Clean and sober goin’ on 80-some years now. Nothing worse than a reformed boozer though, right? Running with the boys was a blast, but speed kills. Who’d know that better than a flying reindeer?
One time in France, I was on a bender with Dancer. We’d been to the Folies, saw Josephine Baker do the Banana Dance. I was drinking gin and had show girls fondling my antlers. We ended up in a smokey club and I started hitting the absinthe. Thats’s when things got weird. I was so twisted, I saw a little man in green calling me a “horny arse”. I closed my eyes to escape the apparition, and when I opened them, he was gone.
Bouncers and bartenders were pushing us outside and yelling at us. The show girls had disappeared. I would have thought they were illusions too, except for the silk stocking I found hanging from my antlers in the jail cell. Dancer was piss drunk, and amused by everything.
As the absinthe high faded and Dancer slept off the champagne, I sat there thinking. I had 7 other deer, a fat guy and millions of kids counting on me. We had no GPS or Rudolph back then. A sleigh full of toys falling out of control because of stoned reindeer would not make a pretty landing.
I walked out of that cell on changed hooves. It’s been nothing stronger than oats and Arctic raspberries for me ever since.
Below is a list of the links to my fellow Blogfestivus writers. I hope they appreciate the effort I’m expending here. I’m delivering them the gift of readers and potential followers, all tied up with a pretty bow. Hey! Stop picking at that bow!
Blogdramedy (Ring Leader, reindeer enthusiast, generally cool chick)
I recently found myself commenting on two seperate blog posts, about two very different topics within a few days of each other and making references to Gilligan’s Island on both comments. It occured to me that I learned many of life’s important lessons from watching any number of crappy sitcoms, and Gilligan’s Island is certainly no exception.
1. Given the opportunity, people will use technology for the dumbest possible reasons. Long before we learned this the hard way through internet porn and Facebook, Gilligan and the Professor were using the available technology of coconuts, bamboo and palm fronds to the fullest extent of the materials’ potential. Rather than use the technology to fix the boat, or make a water purification system, they chose to create things like automatic hammock swingers and for making the Howell’s a stock ticker which printed the Dow Jones on banana leaves.
and on a related note:
2. When faced with dire circumstances and a poor prognosis, people may focus on the wrong priorities. Long before people squabbled over the rights to use a given pop song as the theme for a presidential election instead of frivolously wasting time on silly things like issues, Gilligan and company had paved the way for wasting time and resources. The gang on the island would use their valuable energy to put on a show. They’d build a stage and props so that 4 of them could entertain the other 3. This sort of thing is still fairly rare in the real world, but in the realm of show biz it’s commonplace. Still, we can learn from it. The next time there’s a natural disaster, instead of sending medical aid and supplies, we should send footlights, greasepaint and boomboxes for musical accompaniment.
3. Running fast doesn’t always get you there quickly enough.Instead you need to speed up the tape and make it even faster. To clarify, Gilligan and crew didn’t originate this concept, the Munsters did it years earlier, whenever Herman scared someone. Irrespective of who invented this incredible strategy, the truth of the matter is this; there’s no point in being careful to trying to accomplish things in an orderly, logical manner. Instead, just run around and around really fast and people will become distracted by your foolishness and laugh at you.
4. Having your heart in the right place counts more than actually accomplishing something and/or forgiveness is a noble thing. Gilligan screwed up the group’s chances of getting rescued multiple times. Though the Skipper would take off his hat and smack him with it, eventually, he would realize that Gilligan’s heart was in the right place and all would be forgiven. So don’t worry about succeeding, just try your best for all the right reasons and some big Sandusky-looking guy will forgive you and call you his “lil buddy”. Nothing creepy about that.
5. Change is not good – change sucks the big one. Despite their time stranded on an island, not one of the castaways changed. Ginger remained a primadonna, the Howells continued to value money and status over everything else, Maryann stayed the sweet, innocent farmgirl she’d always been and The Professor never got horny, no matter how hot Ginger looked in that shimmery, skin-tight dress. Let this be a lesson to you. If those people didn’t change why should you? Keep being the same knucklehead you’ve always been, it suits you. Besides, you only risk a drop in the ratings by trying to improve yourself.
6. As long as we’re on the topic of change, there’s no reason to change your clothes either. A long sleeved red shirt and bucket hat is a good wardobe for the tropics. Find a fashion which works for you and stick with it exclusively – don’t be mixing and matching like Ginger and the Howells, stick with your first choice. Personally, I’ve been wearing these MC Hammer genie pants for going on 20 years and they still turn heads, so I know this one is a stone cold fact, yo.
7.Diversify, diversify, diversify!People looked at Thurston Howell III and envied his massive piles of money. A closer look revealed that that while the rest of the castaways were looking for pretty shells and running away from headhunters, TH-III was rocking out voice work for the politically incorrect, but always humorous Mr. Magoo. Life lesson, if you aren’t happy with your station in life, get your ass to work at a second job! Once you’re rolling in cheddah, go score some rich debutante like Lovey, then ride that gravy train straight down Easy Street.
8. Despite being seperated from loved ones and presumed dead, you can still have lots of fun.As detailed above, the wacky castaways wasted relatively little time trying to get rescued and finding food and shelter. Instead, they focused on playing golf, putting on skits, and getting into all sorts of zany hijinx. Gilligan’s Island taught us to be happy, regardless of the circumstances. Now go back out there to your own miserable little island and try to have yourself a few good chuckles. Be sure to wrap things up within a half hour or so, minus commercials and the credits.