Valentine’s Gift Ideas For The Terminally Cheap

It's that time of year again, gentlemen.  You'd better get going on the gifts, or that plaque in the cononal arteries is going to be the least of your problems.  (Image from wikipedia dot org)
It’s that time of year again, gentlemen. You’d better get going on the gifts, or that plaque in the coronary arteries is going to be the least of your problems. (Image from wikipedia dot org)

As I sit down to write this, it’s already the 9th of February.  There are only 5 days left before we dudes need to bestow gifts upon our sweethearts (4 days if you want to watch the Olympic mixed-doubles curling quarter-finals tomorrow).  Sadly, it’s also the time of year when we guys must face certain financial realities, such as:

A) The credit card bills are in and once again we’ve over-spent for Christmas/Chanukah/Pagan Winter-Solstice Goat Roast.

B) We are not getting near the tax return we had anticipated this year, largely due to our not having really made any money in the first place.

C) Our sure-thing Super Bowl bet taking the “over” on how many times Peyton Manning would call “Omaha” didn’t work out so well.

Fear not, loyal readers – Romeo One Point is here to give you lots of ideas for inexpensive gift options.  These gems will have your special lady feeling like a million bucks, without your having to lift any cash from her secret sock-drawer stash to subsidize them.

Be careful using the quill and ink mister, or you'll get ink all over your lacy sleeve!(Image from lazytechguys dot com)
Be careful using the quill mister, or you’ll get ink all over your fancy lace sleeve!  (Image from lazytechguys dot com)

Poems : The ladies love poetry.  The good news is that hard-core literary types assure me they don’t even have to rhyme.  Romeo One Point Helpful Hint – Avoid poems with references to Nantucket, Dallas or Dundee, even if you and your special lady have some special connection to these locales.

You could download something online, but I prefer a more personal touch that only an assorted box of crayons can bring.(Image from homemadegiftguru dot com)
You could download something like this online, but I prefer the more personal touch that only an assorted box of crayons can bring.  (Image from homemadegiftguru dot com)

Gift Card for Sensual Massage: – These are great!  Put it on a piece of card-stock and try to make the printing legible.  Romeo One Point Helpful Hint – Avoid using expiration dates – there’s a good chance she’ll lose the card or write a grocery list on the back of it before she’ll ever redeem it.  Bonus Hint – Avoid the phrase “Nudity Required” – It sends the wrong message.

Just flip it over to the blank side, and let your creative freak flag fly! (Image from Etsy dot com)
Just flip it over to the blank side, and let that creative freak flag fly! (Image from Etsy dot com)

Homemade Cards: These worked great back in grade school.  If you don’t have any lacy paper doilies laying around the house, a few coasters from the local diner will work great.  Fold them in half, then cut them in sort of a comma shape.  Unfold it and voila; a heart!  Now do the same thing a little bigger with a piece of red construction paper.  If you don’t have any red construction paper, try using the envelope from the last Netflix delivery.  Glue the small heart onto the red one, making sure to cover the Netflix logo.  For a special touch, use a crayon and worse spelling than usual to scribble your sentiments on it.

I'd advaise you to cover the entirew pretzel with chocolate otherwise she'll know they're those oat bran ones.  (Image from sallysbakingaddiction dot com)
I’d advise you to cover the entire pretzel with chocolate otherwise she’ll know that you used those oat bran ones. (Image from sallysbakingaddiction dot com)

Chocolate Covered Pretzels (without a trip to the grocery store):  Most of us have some chocolate laying around.  I myself uncovered several Hershey’s Kisses in the cushions of the sofa just yesterday and most of them still had the outer foil intact.  You’ll also need some pretzels.  Pretzels are a little harder to come by in most male domains, but there may be a bag of those nasty “healthy” ones in the back of the cabinet.  In an ironic twist, they were originally bought for you by none other than your valentine herself, back when she was trying to get you to go on that gluten-free diet.  Melt the chocolate in the microwave or a double boiler (whatever that is), then carefully dip each pretzel in until it’s covered.  Arrange them on a clean plate and serve with plenty of beverages.  Talk about your poetic justice!

As if it isn't enough to dedicate a blog to her, imagine how excited she'd be if the post got Freshly Pegged! (Image from the incredible Peg-O-Leg's Ramblings)
As if it isn’t enough to dedicate a blog to her, imagine how excited she’d be if the post got Freshly Pegged! (Image from the incredible Peg-O-Leg’s Ramblings)

Dedicating A Blog Post:  This one is a slam dunk.  Proclaiming your true loving feelings by dedicating a blog post is the modern equivalent to shouting it from the mountaintops, without all that difficult climbing.  Romeo One Point Helpful Hint – If your blog posts are usually about video game strategies or debating the validity of whether a real pizza can have pineapple on it, you might want to consider a different topic for this one post.  Your readers will understand, they’ll probably wish they had thought to write a cool blog post and dedicate it to their special someone (assuming they’re not a bunch of single losers who live in their parents’ basements and don’t have special someones).

Anonymous Salutation in the Rants and Raves Section of Craigslist: Let’s face it, not all guys are good enough writers to write their own written blogs writing, like I can write!  No problem, fellas – Just go to Craigslist and tell the local region how great your lady is!  Romeo One Point Helpful Hint – Be sure NOT to put your special gal’s name or picture in the post.  I know you’re crazy about her and want to tell the world, but trust me on this one.  Besides, by keeping it anonymous you can always take credit for a better salutation if the opportunity arises.

I hope I’ve given you guys some great ideas.  I’ve got a bunch more, but I’m running out of time in the gift-creation department myself.  After a pretty thorough scavenger hunt, I’ve come to the conclusion that there isn’t a single pretzel left in this damn house – I’ve looked everywhere.

I dedicate this blog post to my lovely, long suffering special lady.  Without her unconditional love, support and guidance, I’d be lost in this world.  Happy Valentine’s Day, Baby!  You’re the greatest! (The homemade gift card is in the mail – No nudity required).

Life On the Trail – True Tales from the Easter Bunny

Hippity Hoppity my fluffy white ass.  The trail is a bitch.

I’m down at the Pinewood, sipping on a short, dirty glass of cheap Canadian.  My beer back-up is looking a little flat.  This place is a long way from the Ritz, but you’d still think they’d wash the glasses a little more often.

The Round Man is sitting next to me.  Got himself swiveled on the stool while he’s chatting up some bimbo.  He’s jolly alright, but for all the hype about his taste in behaviors, he definitely leans more toward the naughty girls than the nice ones.  Next to him are three of the wee ones – two of Round Man’s best workers plus Irish.  That little dude is a mean SOB when he’s gettin’ his drink on.  I’m glad he’s four seats away from me.  You never know when some drunk college kid will come in and call him Chuckie or Lucky Charms or something and next thing you know, the cops are comin’ in and somebody’s gonna need stitches.  Still, I gotta admit, the three of ’em look cute sitting up there on barstools with their little feet so far off the floor.

The trail can wear a bunny down, make him cold, drive him into questionable locales. (Illustration by the author - That's right, I'm a freakin' Renaissance Man!)

We don’t always hang out like this, but sometimes I like to chill out with a few of my buddies who understand life on the trail.  There used to be better attendance at these get-togethers, but some of the usual crew’s drifted apart.  The T-Fairy prefers a different kind of bar, and that’s fine by me – to each his own right?  Jackie Frost, may he rest in peace, is gone but not forgotten.  Freakin’ global warming pretty much did him in.

Let’s not get it twisted, I aint no retiree in a Bunny suit down at the mall gettin’ my pic snapped with your brat for five bucks a throw.  I’m talking the real deal here – these ears aint clip-ons.

Like I said at the start, life on the trail’s a bitch.  I smell like freakin’ Hershey, Pee-Ay 6 months out of the year from all the crap I’m delivering.  Don’t think it isn’t a little weird to be spending a large part of my life carrying around giant, hollow chocolate replicas of myself.  Then droppin’ em off only to have the parents of these kids eat the ears off a day or two later.  It’s a heavy load knowing I’m guiding the youth of the world down the path toward obesity and diabetes.

I had to get therapy for that crap.  I finally gave up on talking to the shrink.  He blamed my issues on my father.  That was the last straw for me.  My father!?  How much of a presence in your life can your father be when you have 237 brothers and sisters?  Besides, the mental health waiver on my insurance sucked.  I’d rather spend that co-pay money on shots and beers and get my counseling from the Round Man and maybe one of his naughty girls if she has a friend.  You know what I mean?

Don’t get me wrong, the trail isn’t all sore paws and nightmares about waking up with my ears bit off.  I’ve had some good times too.  Some wild crap goes on out there.  This one time, outside of Dubuque, Iowa, this chick walks in on me when I’m hiding eggs and filling baskets.  She’s half in the bag and reeks of Malibu rum.  Anyway, she must be on her way to the head when she sees me standin’ there with a handful of Marshmallow Peeps, and she just goes nuts.  You know the whole “I can’t believe you’re really really real!”  song and dance.  She goes on to tell me how she always hoped I was real, but findin’ out -well that’s somethin’ special.  Then a little light goes on in her drunken head and she realizes that she aint wearing much more than her hubby’s Drake University T-shirt and a pair of fuzzy socks.  Well…one thing leads to another and let’s just say I didn’t do nothin’ to hurt the stereotypes about the bunny nation, if you follow my drift.

Stories like that, they happen, but it aint the usual.  The usual is more like people with hi-tech security systems and Rottweilers.  Bratty kids whose parents have convinced them that Easter aint nothin’ but Christmas in the Spring.  Chocolate and malted milk candy eggs can weigh a rabbit down, but they don’t compare to Nintendo Wii’s and bikes.  I got a couple dentists I play golf with in the off season and they aint too happy with that trend – believe you me.  My chiropractor – he’s happy as crap.

So in a few days we’ll close up shop and I can try to relax and enjoy the off-season.  Me and the Round Man are gonna hit the links and maybe do some fishing.  The trail aint no easy time, but fishin’ for wahoo and throwing back a few frosties can help me forget my tender paws and aching back for a while.

Uh oh.  Looks like a couple of frat boys are startin to bust on Irish a little.  It might be time to hit the bathroom until the smoke clears.  I’ll see you kids next year, okay?