Happy Anniversary, Darlings!

I got a little message on my WordPress dashboard.  Apparently, today is my anniversary here in blog-land.  It’s hard to believe that it’s been a year already, but at the same time, it seems like I’ve been here so much longer.

If you haven't read my "47 Shades of Pink" then you just don't love me.  Illustration by the author
If you haven’t read my “47 Shades of Pink” then you just don’t love me. Illustration by the author

I did a quick Google search and it turns out that the correct gift for the first anniversary is paper.  Considering I read and write blog posts on a computer, the thought of paper as an anniversary gift for you is both ironic and sweetly sentimental.  While it is our anniversary, I’m expecting nothing in return, since you probably didn’t know till I just told you.  Please don’t go out and get me some last minute piece of crap made out of paper – we’ll both regret it and I’d like to think we’re better than that.

The colored pencil drawing which accompanied my "Lust" entry in K8edid's 7 Deadly Sins contest.  I didn't win lust, but the drawing featured some sassy espadrilles! Illustration by the author
The colored pencil drawing which accompanied my “Lust” entry in K8edid’s 7 Deadly Sins contest. I didn’t win lust, but the drawing featured some sassy espadrilles! Illustration by the author

So, anyway onto my gift to you.  It’s really not so much a gift as it is a contest to win my love.  As much as I’d rather send each and every one of you an anniversary gift, now that I’ve built up a small but loyal cadre of followers, the cost of printing and shipping could easily run into the tens of dollars.

Tihs is actually a composite with typeface and the drawing.  You don't get the typeface, just the fat guy in the diner.  For the record, his name is not Willie Prader, it's Mr. Light.  Illustration for the winning gluttony entry in the 7 Deadly Sins contest.  Illustration by the author
This is actually a composite with typeface and the drawing. You don’t get the typeface, just the fat guy in the diner. For the record, his name is not Willie Prader, it’s Mr. Light. Illustration for the winning gluttony entry in the 7 Deadly Sins contest. Illustration by the author

One thing I’ve learned over our whirlwind courtship has been that not every post I’ve presented you with has been fully appreciated for the gem I’d thought it was.  In fact, a few of my posts have been barely acknowledged by you, darling.  It’s alright, I understand.  I know how busy you get with your other life away from me.  Those pesky kids, that demanding boss and your needy spouse.  I realize that my thirst for acceptance and blog adoration is going to end up on the back burner.  It’s okay – don’t apologize.

Illustration of the Easter Bunny in the off-season during my exclusive interview with him in a dive bar in the Florida panhandle.  Santa was also there as well as a leprechaun.  Things looked a little dicey for a while there, but I got out without a beating.
Illustration of the Easter Bunny in the off-season during my exclusive interview with him in a dive bar in the Florida panhandle. Santa was also there as well as a leprechaun. Things looked a little dicey for a while there, but I got out without a beating.

Since it’s our anniversary, I thought that maybe you could do a little something for me.  Don’t worry, it doesn’t involve lingerie or role play.  I just want to try to show you those gems one more time, and see if maybe you find them a little better the second time around.  Who knows, they may have aged like fine wines (or they may have turned to vinegar).  Give them a read and tell me which one is your favorite.  You can tell me in a sentence or wax poetic if you so desire.  Do it in the comments section of this very post, so the others can see how crazy you are about me.

The illustration for my sloth entry in the 7 Deadly Sins contest.  The thumb is not easy to draw especially for lazy people like me.(Illustration by the author)
The illustration for my sloth entry in the 7 Deadly Sins contest. The thumb is not easy to draw especially for lazy people like me.(Illustration by the author)

I’ll read your comments and pick my two favorites.  You’ll be notified and then you can choose which one of my dopey drawings you’d like a copy of.  I’ll make a quality copy of it and mail it to you (in the continental US please, I already mentioned the tens of dollars – sheesh!).  You can frame it or line the bottom of the parakeet cage with it.

These were all done before 3/18/2012 and none received more than 10 likes – most received only one or two.  I wasn’t hurt, just a little disappointed.

An early Facebook rant : My Anti-Social Networking

My explanation of my wife’s dislike of me shaving my head :  I Blame Vincent Price

House Hunters International – A little like crack, without the high : Ruminations on House Hunters

Bad hangovers mixed with vivid imagination is a recipe for bad things : Hangovers Dissected

Another Facebook rant – this time about pet memorials : RIP Skippy – We Miss You!

Just a little about yours truly and my wisenheimer ways : My Life As A Wise-Ass

I’ll comb through the accolades and name the winners on March 1st.  Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to hit “Publish” and pray that I get at least two entries.

Happy Anniversary!

Excuses Excuses Excuses

No one, including me, likes to hear an excuse.  I’m fairly sure that reading them isn’t much more enjoyable.  Yet, here I sit, poised to write a post which is absolutely littered with them.

After a string of several weeks putting up 4 or 5 posts, I’ve fallen off the radar.

In truth, it’s not for lack of effort.  I’ve actually got a few things in the works, but none of them are quite ready yet.  The last thing anyone out there needs is an under-cooked blog.  They don’t digest well and will leave you readers with a funny taste in your mouths – bad funny, like getting hit in the privates, not good funny, like someone else getting hit in the privates.

Here are a few of the excuses I’ve been kicking around, followed by the reasons they suck:

Excuse  #1 – I’ve been really busy with work.

This excuse sucks because: Everyone gets busy at work, or worse yet, some readers may be among the scores of unemployed or under-employed and resent the hell out of me for having a job (actually, I have 3 jobs, but bringing that up won’t likely endear me to the unemployed)

Would it help if I mentioned that one of my jobs is working at a soup kitchen handing out croutons and extra napkins? (Image from untoldentertainment.com)

Excuse #2 – I’ve been saddled with family obligations.

This excuse sucks because: Everyone gets saddled with family obligations.  Feeling put-upon by the responsibilities of family life is one of the main reasons many of us write in the first place!  Writers in dry spells will envy my having family issues and obligations.  To be honest, my big family obligation was driving my daughter to Pittsburgh to help her move from one college dwelling to another. That’s not exactly like having a painful, dramatic intervention to get Aunt Tilly off the booze and pills.  Sorry Aunt Tilly, but making light of your addictions was for your own good (and it filled a void in my post)

Excuse #3 – I had to drive to Pittsburgh and back.

This excuse sucks because: Pittsburgh is a happening city filled with a delicious mix of culture and kitsch.  Driving there and back actually got me out of New Jersey for 3 days.  By the way, if you ever want to kill your liver and gain 10 pounds all in one weekend, let me know, I have some Pittsburgh attractions you won’t want to miss.

Excuse #4 – I was busy begging people to vote for me to win the “Gluttony” chapter of k8edid’s 7 Deadly Sins Challenge

This excuse sucks because: Even though I was busy begging, and I actually succeeded at winning, I now have 6 more deadly sins to write about and I have to make a good showing or I’ll look like a one-post wonder.  (By the way – Thanks for voting everybody, I’ll try not to let you down)

Excuse #5 – I was busy watching the NCAA men’s lacrosse playoffs.

This excuse sucks because: It’s not entirely true.  While Pittsburgh has no shortage of trendy bars and restaurants, I couldn’t find any bartenders who wanted to change the channel from tractor pulls or the replay of the Penguins most recent Stanley Cup Championship.  Though its popularity is growing by leaps and bounds across all demographics, many people still consider lacrosse the bastion of affluent, snotty rich kids.  With that in mind, maybe you’d enjoy watching the guy who will eventually receive a 7 figure bonus for moving your job to Sri Lanka get cross checked into the turf.

When the dude in the red shorts reorganizes your company and you end up on the soupline, you can look back fondly on this humiliating hit. (Image copyright – Hung Tran Photography)

Excuse #6 – I was expending all my creative efforts writing my rant for the people in my Survivor pool at work.

This excuse sucks because: Writing this blog is the excuse I gave to my work friends for doing such a lackluster job on the Survivor rant!  Let’s be honest, this season pretty much went down the toilet once Colton had to quit with menstrual cramps.

Excuse #7 – The sun was in my eyes.

This excuse sucks because: Everyone knows I do the bulk of  my blogging under cover of darkness.

Excuse #8 – I’m a perfectionist – you just can’t rush true art.

This excuse sucks because: Have you read my blogs?  Perfectionist?  Seriously?!