TV Doctor! Paging TV Doctor!

On a recent episode of a TV show, a doctor in 19th century New York had a man arrive on his doorstep who was obviously in some sort of distress.  The doctor had no way of knowing, but the man had lost quite a few of his toes after an interlude with a rather sadistic shoe salesman.  The diagnosis didn’t matter as the doctor knew just what to do.

The man of medicine turned to his wife and yelled,  Get me plenty of clean towels and hot water!”

"We don't have much time!  Get in your AMC Gremlin and drive to the laundramat - I've got a load of whites in  the dryer - they should be done by now!"  (Image from museum dot tv)
“We don’t have much time, Sally! Get in your AMC Gremlin and drive to the laundromat – I’ve got a load of whites in the dryer – they should be done by now!” (Image from museum dot tv)

Viewers like myself were amazed that despite the patient’s having no outward sign of having endured a nasty bunch of amputations, the doctor inherently knew the treatment would require clean towels and hot water.  Viewers unlike myself probably didn’t notice and just wished they could enjoy the show without my constant piping up and taking issue with the dialogue and continuity.

There’s an interesting fact: TV doctors only have one of two choices when it comes to addressing any medical emergency.  The first and most popular choice is the old standby of clean towels and hot water, or as it’s also known, the shave-and-a-haircut treatment option.  Even the worst doctor would not treat a patient with dirty laundry and cold water, (there were exceptions made during the Tide epidemic of the late 1950’s).

The second treatment choice for TV doctors is a more recent development.  TV physicians turn to whoever is helping them and urgently ask for something really technical, including a couple of medical abbreviations to jazz it up.  Any modern TV doctor worth his salt will assess a situation and quickly demand something along the lines of “100 cc’s of epi and a goniometer, stat!”.  Viewers will instantly recognize the authenticity of the dialogue because it was filled with stuff they don’t understand.

"You!  Get me a doo-hickey and a whatsis, stat!  Also, you got to stop letting your family tell you how to live your laff - you're a grown woman and it's tamm to stop bein pushed around by these people to satisfahh their own twisted ideas!"   (Image from dr-phil-blog.newsok.com)
“You! Get me a doo-hickey and a whatsis, stat! Also, you got to stop lettin your family tell you how to live your laff – you’re a grown woman and it’s tamm to stop bein pushed around by these people to satisfahh their own twisted ideas!” (Image from dr-phil-blog dot newsok dot com)

The last mandatory ingredient for successful treatment in TV medical emergencies then, is the third person.  When clean towels and hot water are all that’s needed, the third party can be almost anyone, even a child or a well trained collie.  In the case of more technical orders, the third person needs to have enough medical training to know what the doctor’s talking about, but not enough expertise to question he’s going to do with two speculums, an enema bag and a syringe full of morphine when the patient appears to be suffering from nothing more than a really bad hair day.

If no third party is available, the patient will most certainly die.  Lacking clean towels and hot water, the doctor’s only choice is to reach out and gently close the eyelids of the deceased.  In the event of a closed-eye death, he or she can pull a sheet over the face.  In either case, it’s then time to say something really meaningful.

Roll credits.

Yo Wassup G-Spot!

Good news, I found the G-spot. Turns out we’ve been looking in the wrong place, it’s actually located at the intersection of Route 206 and Monmouth Road just outside of Mt. Holly, New Jersey! For the record, “topless” is not spelled “t-a-p-a-s” – Boy, was that ever an embarrassing discovery!

First, a quick hats off to Carrie Rubin of The Write Transition for bringing this nugget of medical news to my attention.  Apparently, a physician in Poland claims to have located the exact location of the infamous “G-spot” of an 83 year old deceased woman during the dissection of her remains.

OK – now go back and re-read that last sentence over again and explain how any card-carrying wise-ass could fail to find at least 20 good jokes in there.  To Ms. Rubin’s credit, she merely used the G-Spot reference as a teaser to get lots of us readers all charged up, then quickly changed her topic to something much more family friendly.  She does that a lot, and I fall for it every time.  Her recent post about periods turned out to be a discussion of punctuation!  She’s a crafty one!

For the righteous and snooty among you, the following attempts at humor will be about dead people, Polish people, sexual topics and worse.  If you don’t have the stomach for it, just hit “like” and go thumb through the Readers’ Digest over there on the coffee table while us grown-ups share a few ribald laughs!

Here now, in no particular order, are 20 quips about the story.

20.  The article fails to mention that the physician has been looking for this particular patient’s G-spot since she was 32 years old.

19. The article also fails to mention that it was actually another woman’s G-spot, and no one thought to look for it in an 83 year old woman in the morgue.

18. The “physician” was actually a confused, near-sighted veterinarian looking for a missing Schnauzer named Mitzi, and like most of us, he found the G-spot quite by accident.  Mitzi’s whereabouts remain unknown.

17. Sadly, when she died, she took the recipe for ice cubes with her, and now Poland must drink its vodka warm.

16. The physician, in an interview, replied to one reporter’s question by answering “Well actually, her toes were already curled before we started the dissection.”

15. The woman’s grieving husband stated he didn’t care so much about the location of the G-spot, but he wondered where she left the checkbook.

14. The physician, when questioned about his skills as an anatomist, stated that he did in fact know his ass from his elbow.

13. There have been no confirmations of pre-production talks for “Sex and the City – Krakow Nights”.

12. G-spot or not, she’s still frigid.

11. Great! Found my G-spot just in time for purgatory!

10. Ironically, the woman was not Dr. Ruth Westheimer, who despite being 83, is very much alive, (and with a few shots of peppermint schnapps might have shown the physician right where to look).

9.  Upon discovering the G-spot, the doctor yelled “Eureka!” at which the point the cadaver said, “Whaddya expect?  I’m dead!”

8. There have been no confirmations that the physician had to employ a special device from “The Love Toy Connexion”.

7. Stiff anti-smoking laws prevented the doctor and his subject from sharing a cigarette afterwards on hospital property.

6. There have been no confirmations that the male dominated review board of the Polish Journal of OBGYN had plans to issue a statement which essentially states “Who cares?”

5. The Polish physician admitted that he had located the G-spot earlier, but was confused because it was marked with an “X” in the text books and not a “G”

4. Shortly after locating the G-spot, the doctor became distracted by soccer highlights on a nearby TV, lost it and had start looking all over again.

3. The doctor’s wife, when reached for comment stated “No way, not MY Stosh!  He’s too busy practicing medicine to ever find a G-spot!”

2. Turns out there’s no correlation between G-spots and liver spots.

1. The physician reported that he would have found the G-spot years sooner, but every time he’d gotten close, he’d finish up and fall asleep.

Alright, it turns out that I’m nearly as guilty as Ms. Rubin on the false advertising accusation, as those 20 were not all good jokes.  Please, gentle readers, feel free to give me a one liner of your own.   Don’t forget to unclick the comment email notification box, or suffer the wrath of receiving emails about all 5 comments I’ll be getting.