My Coaching Application – NY Jets

 

Portrait of the artist as a well paid football coach with furrowed brow
Portrait of the artist as a well paid football coach with furrowed brow

 

Attn: Director of Personnel  – NY Jets

 

Dear Sir,

I am Mr. One Point Perspective, part-time, award winning blogger extraordinaire and full time jack-ass.  I would like to take this opportunity to formally offer my name for consideration as Mr. Rex Ryan’s successor as the head coach of the New York Jets.

As you are undoubtedly aware, the world of professional football is going through some challenging times in recent years.  On the field, teams have taken to using formations of such complexity that many teams have resorted to hiring choreographers.  Celebratory dances alone have nearly been elevated to an art form.  From a play-calling standpoint, things have gotten so confusing that the referees are often the only ones on the field who aren’t either calling audibles or decoding the giant postcards held high on the sidelines by back-up quarterbacks and assistant-assistant coaches.

Off the field, things are stickier than ever.  Player behavior is making headlines for all the wrong reasons.  The public relations quicksand gets deeper by the day.  Who would have guessed that giving millions of dollars to idolized young men who make their living doing violent things could possibly be lead to problems?

These league-wide scandals, in addition to your abysmal record the past several seasons may have disastrous results.  At this rate, there is a distinct possibility that some fans may actually be upset enough to give up their season tickets, mandatory pre-season ticket packages and seat licensing fees.  Without taking action, there is a chance the Jets organization could end up losing a few doubloons over this, not to mention your share of lucrative parking revenues!

The time is now, gentlemen.  Your organization can be a pioneer in making the bold move into uncharted territory by hiring a middle-aged guy from suburbia to be your head coach.  A person with no practical experience in coaching can provide your team with the fresh, unpredictable direction which only a true neophyte can provide.  My attached resume will show that I’ve spent my adult years following several career paths, none of which involve professional football.

I did play football in high school.  Granted, the game was different back in those days, we didn’t wear gloves or Darth Vader visors.  I do recall a few guys on the JV team who tried to sneak gloves out onto the practice field when the weather got cold – they were subjected to some good natured ribbing, let me tell you.

I have participated in a fantasy football league for several years.  The experience has been one of rather limited success, likely due to my drinking too much at the draft parties.  The large amounts of beer and tequila may have been the root cause of my drafting players who were not actually available to play due to incarceration, retirement and in one case, death.  The parties were typically held at my home, so there was no driving under the influence or other scandalous behavior on my part.  I can’t speak for Hacksaw or Tommy Tilt, both of whom have  left the league.  You’d have to speak with their respective wives for full details as to why they withdrew.

Since I have none of the football coaching experience of Rex Ryan, I’ll compare myself to him in a general sense;

  • Rex Ryan has been rumored to have quite the foot fetish and his wife even allegedly appears in several videos, showing off her tootsies.  While I won’t deny being as much of a fan of pretty toes and dainty arches as the next guy, I have the common sense to keep the camcorder in its case except for family birthdays and holidays.
  • Rex has a brother, Rob Ryan, who is a defensive coordinator for the New Orleans Saints – at least he is at the moment.  I also have a brother, and like me, he has no experience coaching football.  He keeps his thinning hair much neater than Rob Ryan’s tangled mane.
  • Rex is known for being outspoken and a straight talker, much like New Jersey Governor Chris Christie.  I’m also widely considered to be a loudmouth, especially when I don’t know what the hell I’m talking about.  Predictably, Gov. Christie is a Cowboys fan and to the best of my knowledge is not interested in coaching your NFL team, as he has eyes on bigger game (or it could be he’s looking at the “sale” sign in the front of Tartaglione’s Cannoli Emporium).
  • I can’t beat the Patriots either, but I’ll damn sure dress better than Belichick on game day.

My noteworthy personal attributes include:

  • I haven’t managed a whole team of players, but I did have a hand in raising three children, none of whom have served any significant time in prison.
  • Mike Vick and I go way back – Oh the dog-fighting yarns we could tell!
  • I’m okay with sharing a stadium with another team as long as those Giants fans promise to pick up after themselves.
  • I appreciate the history of your great franchise – for example, I’m pretty sure that Weeb Ewbank did not host The Newlywed Game.
  • I look really good in green

In closing, I’d like to thank you for your consideration.  Again, I urge you to take the trailblazing step of handing the reigns over to a complete novice, before another team steps up and does it first.  To be completely fair, I intend to send similar applications to parties in Atlanta, San Francisco and Chicago.  Since I already live in Jersey, I’ve decided to give you first dibs.

 

Respectfully,

One Point Perspective

 

P.S.: I understand a position has also opened up in Buffalo.  I don’t want to be an NFL coach badly enough to apply for that gig.

 

These Grapes Are Sour…Or Not

I didn’t draw this, it from Ayem @deviantart.com

In the realm of fantasy football, it’s a given that if you win, you can consider yourself a strategic genius, with a better understanding of the nuances of the game than those chuckleheads at the water cooler.  If you lose, it’s simply because the entire structure of fantasy football is based on nothing more than dumb luck.

I’m beginning to think that I’m going to feel the same way about Freshly Pressed.  For those readers who are not particularly familiar with it, Freshly Pressed is sort of the front page of WordPress.  Having a piece posted there will give a huge number of readers a good look at you.  After a day or so, there’s a new crop, but for one Warhol-esque moment, you’re a star.  Some folks get their pieces posted there regularly, and others never seem to.  Without sounding bitter, though I know I will, I’ll admit that I’ve never had a post Freshly Pressed.

Supposedly, the posts featured on FP (as the blog savvy like to call it), are hand-picked by mystical blog editors at WordPress.  I don’t know if this is true.  If it is, I think this group of critics may have a communal weakness for pretty pictures and food.  A recent inventory of the 19 blogs featured on the first page of FP showed that roughly a third of them were non-writing intensive subjects.  Three of them were straight-up recipes for various desserts and cocktails.  One was a craft project with step by step instructions, one was the photography of the contributor.  Finally, one was an assortment of paintings and prints by famous and less famous artists from hundreds of years ago, all of a similar subject matter.

While any self-professed writer would scoff at the idea of competing with pages from cook books and craft projects, the idea of the last one really goes beyond absurd.  This blogger cut and pasted a bunch of other people’s artwork about a specific subject and posted it, with no text other than the title.  It wasn’t the blogger’s fault – people post blogs of far more inane subject matter which require even less effort or content.  The finger of blame must be pointed directly at the FP editors, assuming they actually exist.

Let’s compare and contrast shall we?

A writer has been struck by a notion.  He starts putting thoughts down on virtual paper, eventually forming his ideas into sentences and his sentences into paragraphs.  He forms his paragraphs into a logical sequence.  He finds a photo from the internet, cuts, pastes and inserts it into his post, with some sort of credit to the photographer.  Once finished, he re-reads and edits the post repeatedly trying to weed out typos and awkward sentences.  When he has finally decided the post is ready, he hits the “publish” button and hopes for the best.  Maybe this time, the FP gods will smile upon him.

Another person sits at his PC.  He figures out a topic he likes, let’s say it’s brides and grooms.  He then scans the internet, looking for paintings, lithographs and drawings of brides and grooms from the last four or five hundred years.  He cuts and pastes 25 or 30 of them into a post, gives credit to the artists and/or museum the drawings came from and hits “Publish”.  Other than those footnotes of credit and the 5 or 6 words of the title, he has not typed a word.  Though to be fair, he probably did type “brides and grooms” into Google Images at some point.

The writer doesn’t get Freshly Pressed on a blog site with the word “Word” in its name, and the web searcher who has clipped photos of other people’s art, is right there on the front page, smack in the middle of FP royalty.

So, as I continue to write and occasionally illustrate my posts with hopes for being Freshly Pressed someday, I’ll cling to my fantasy football logic that it’s merely dumb luck when someone gets FP’ed.  In the event that I actually do end up with a Freshly Pressed post, I’ll surely consider it to be due to my incredible talent and work ethic.  I just hope and pray my beautiful work of writing doesn’t pale in comparison to the cookie recipe next to it.