I’m new to this – I admit it.  Like any green horn, I’ve already made my fair share of bonehead mistakes.

A couple of posts ago, I made a classic.

I wrote a piece describing the exciting details of a marital squabble between my wife and me as to whether or not I should shave my head.  The topic was not the mistake (though one could argue that, I suppose).  The mistake was choosing the title “I Blame Vincent Price..”  What the hell was I thinking?!

Yes, Vincent Price’s name and one of his old TV roles is discussed, but the article didn’t have that much to do with him, really.  I posted it and then sat there watching as no one read it for the longest time.  I was actually confused for a few minutes until I realized that I wouldn’t read a story with that title either!

I may not think things through as well as I’d like, but in the future I’m going to have some rules of thumb to follow.  In the spirit of collegiality and because I’m sure my loyal readers will want to once again peak inside my troubled mind, I’ll share these rules with you now.  If you’re a fellow blog writer, feel free to apply these gems to your own writing

  • 1)  Always lead with a sexy, tantalizing title, even if it’s not even marginally related to the mediocre topic
  • 2 )  Throw a few photos in there, again no need to be overly relevant to the actual subject.  We’ll worry about copyright issues once I have more followers than David Koresh.
  • 3)   Give the reader some kind of sexy or scandalous tease to keep their attention (Scroll Down – Warning! Not safe for work!)
  • 4)  Don’t try to be cute, doing things like making David Koresh references; half the readers haven’t heard of him, and the other half wish they hadn’t
  • 5)  Keep it short! (I’m working on this one already, but my love of parentheses doesn’t help)
  • 6)  As long as you’re keeping it short, feel free to leave out the 6 dollar words – nobody likes feeling stupid!
  • 7)  Don’t go nuts on the lists – top ten at the most! Nobody gives a crap about the 11th best idea, and you’re probably reaching by then anyway
  • 8)  Don’t alienate the younger readers.  If need be, go out and do some research – find out who this Taylor Swift gal is and why the kids today wear their trousers so darn low.
  • 9) Don’t be too clingy – women hate guys who are too emotionally needy.  Oops, wrong list!
  • 10) If you don’t think it’s funny, you’re probably right, if you do think it’s funny, you’re probably wrong – don’t quit your day job.