Comet Speaks Frankly

I simply adore these team portraits.  The spirit of collegiality and comradery takes me back to my prep school days.
I simply adore these team portraits. The spirit of collegiality and comradery takes me back to my prep school days.

Comet sits in a leather wing chair next to the hearth of a crackling fire.  A snifter of cognac in his left hoof.  He wears a tufted smoking jacket with reading glasses perched on the end of his snout.  On his crossed legs, sits a signed first edition of “A Christmas Carol”  He turns to us and speaks:

One might presume that a reindeer such as myself, whose primary vocation in this era involves pulling a sleigh, might be something of a luddite.  I can assure you, this  is simply not the case.  Admittedly, my profession  qualifies me as a beast of burden.  Our task, though laborious, involves flying without the assistance of jet engines or even flammable fuels.  It is unrivaled by modern technology.

In any case, flying through the skies in these modern times is not as simple as it once was.  A handful of years ago, our biggest obstacle was the occasional flock of geese.  These days the skies are crowded with everything from jumbo jets to country singers in ultra-lights.

The FAA saw fit to intercede. Our sleigh has been fitted with strobe beacons and Rudoph’s nose has been supplemented with right-of-way lights on his port and starboard sides.  The poor fellow has gone from being the star of the team to looking like a billboard for bad taste!

In any case, I’ve enjoyed this little interview.  Now if you’ll excuse me, I’d like to return to my reading.

Here is a list of the links to my fellow Blogfestivus writers.  Some of them are quite talented, but there are a couple who are just riding the coat-tails.  You know who you are!

Blogdramedy (Ring Leader, reindeer enthusiast, generally cool chick)

Steve BetzRewind ReviseLenore DianeShouts from the Abyss

Fit it or DealLynn Schneider BooksSo I Went Undercover

Joe Owen’s BlogMC’s WhispersLittleWonder2  –

Blog It or Lose It!Voice in MeApprentice, never master

A Year of Daily PostsDiary of a Sensitive SoulDot Knows!k8edid

Please Read This Blog In A Responsible Manner

I found this on the side of a tequila bottle. Sadly, it was nearly empty by the time I could focus my eyes to read it.

I saw a news story the other day regarding some legal maneuvering over a nasty accident in New Jersey.  Someone had driven into someone else while texting and hurt them badly.  Certainly this type of foolishness is happening with increased frequency and is not to be tolerated.  Common sense and civility dictates that someone who is operating a motor vehicle should not be reading or typing while doing so.  It’s a well known fact that a large percentage of people can’t even drive safely while doing nothing else whatsoever.

What struck me about the news story was not that the driver was at fault – that was fairly clear.  The amazing part was that the lawyers for the prosecution were trying to spread the liability to the person with whom the driver was exchanging the texts!

As it happened, the court decided that the person at the other end of the texting chat was not liable for injuries.  Once in a while, the legal system proves itself not to be totally insane, but the damage in my mind was already done.

I started thinking about my writing.  I recently reached a modest milestone in blog hits and my mind couldn’t help but drift into the dark place of “what if’s”.  While my blog has supplied me with a creative outlet, I don’t think it’s worth losing my house over.  For the sake of the legal covering-of-my-ass, please observe the following guidelines while reading my posts:

  • Do not operate heavy machinery while reading.  This includes, but is not limited to: jumbo jets, dump trucks, jet boats, nuclear power plants and cruise ships.
  • Do not operate light machinery while reading. This includes, but is not limited to: snow blowers, weed whackers, Mini Coopers, butane lighters and electric pencil sharpeners.
  • Do not make important life decisions based on anything I’ve written.
  • In the event of a water landing, do not attempt to use my blog posts as floatation devices.  Though they are often light in character, the blogs do not float.
  • Do not try to amuse others by attempting to re-tell one of my hilarious blogs, my wit is sharp and if mishandled, may result in nasty puncture wounds.  Give them the link and let them read it themselves.
  • In the event that laughter lasts more than four hours, seek medical attention.
  • Do not incinerate – high heat may cause blogs to explode.
  • If reading my blogs on a smart phone, do not attempt to walk, drive or pretend to be paying attention at an office meeting.
  • If reading my blogs in bed, please do not attempt to use your sex swing at the same time, and refrain from smoking until after the blog is completed.
  • Do not pass on the right or drive on the shoulder under any circumstances, irrespective of whether you read my blog or not – it just pisses me off.
  • It is permissible to drink alcohol while reading my blog, as it tends to improve the humor, but let’s try to be a little more mature and skip the keg stands and jello shots.
  • Reading blogs while bungee jumping has caused seizures in laboratory animals
  • Keep hands and feet away from moving blog parts – seriously, are you that stupid?

No animals were harmed in the writing of this blog

The author is in no way responsible for the time you’ve wasted reading this drivel – he bears no blame for the important things you failed to accomplish by choosing to sit on your fat ass reading when there were other, more significant things to do.

Anything you say can, and will be used against you in a court of law, but please leave me and my little blog out of it.