You’ve probably noticed. I haven’t been cranking out the hits as often lately. I know, I know, calling those posts “hits” is a bit presumptuous of me. Even so, I’ll admit that things have slowed down a little. I’m sorry. I realize that I’ve surely disappointed you, and to be honest, I’ve disappointed myself a little too. As adults, we have to realize that things don’t stay the same forever, things change and that’s just part of life.
I thought this might be a good time to bring up the pre-nup we signed and the vows we shared when you first started following me.
Please don’t try to play dumb with me. I’ve got my copy right here. If you choose to skip the fine print or to keep shoddy records, you have no one but yourself to blame.
Anyway, it says right here in the third paragraph that you pledge to follow me in good times and in bad, in periods of bountiful, hilarious posts and in times of minimal writing with infrequent pity-chuckles.
A few lines down it grants you permission to follow others, which I think was pretty progressive of me, especially since I’m writing just for you (those other followers don’t mean anything to me, you’re the only one who matters – you know that, right?).
To continue, if we scan down to the bottom of page one, there’s the clause for unfollowing. You have the right to unfollow me, but I’m granted 2 weeks advance notice and the right to appeal your decision via repeated, whining emails and, at my discretion, small bribes. This is only fair, as it gives me ample time to try to scratch out a new, funny post in a pathetic attempt at recapturing the magic which we shared just a few weeks ago when our relationship was fresh and new.
I realize that introducing legal documents into our relationship makes for some potentially hard feelings. I didn’t want to have to do this, but dammit, I’ve been hurt too many times! Besides, these papers don’t really leave you in a bad position; you’re still free to come and go as you please. The rider regarding clicking “like” isn’t even in there anymore!
I think we need to put these papers aside for a minute and clear the air a little bit. You might not realize it, but my dopey posts only look like the rambling thoughts of a stooge. I actually go to great lengths to capture the innocent child-like literary voice of a simpleton for your amusement. It’s hard work, darn it! What do you bring to the table? A promise to follow me?! That’s it?! I’m doing all the work and all you have to do is read? Hell, you don’t even have to do that – just stay on as a follower and let me go on thinking that you still care! I’ll try to amuse you when and if you deem my post worthy of your attention.
I’m sorry. I lost my head for a minute there. I’m just in a dark place right now. I had this Justin Bieber piece almost done and The Good Greatsby beat me to the punch. All that time and research down the toilet. Now I’ve got photos of that little gnome Bieber in my media library, what the hell am I going to do with those? That and the 7 Deadly Sins competition is tougher than I thought. After I won the very first sin, it only increased the pressure to win again or risk being branded a one-post-wonder.
It’s a lot of pressure, because…well…because I want to do my best for you. Because you believed in me and followed me when no one except those other 6 people did. I know this line is corny, but by golly, you make me a better writer. I want to make you laugh and write me cute little comments to make me feel better about my strange view of life. Honestly, you don’t even have to write the comments if you don’t want to (Actually, the paragraph requiring you to make comments was struck down by the judge weeks ago).