It’s All In The Wrist

In most of the USA, it’s illegal to use a cell phone while driving, unless you use a hands-free device.  What’s baffling is that many people apparently believe that driving while holding their cell phone like a French bread pizza in front of their pie holes is somehow less dangerous than holding it up to their ears, and therefore should be considered less illegal.

I’m no cop, and I have no idea if the open-faced sandwich defense will hold water in court, but it makes me wonder if there are similar strategies for using style points to try to keep oneself out of jail for other offenses.

An exhaustive internet search revealed no one holding their cell phone this way.  I was going to hire a model, so to save money, I found one who'd work in exchange for the excitement of being featured on a real life blog.  Isn't he adorable?!  (Photo by the author, thanks Ryan)
You see officer, not actually having the phone up against my ear, I’m able to drive safer.  By holding the phone like a delicious piece of French bread pizza, I’m far better positioned to react to emergencies on the road.  Plus, you have to admit I look absolutely ridiculous, so in that regard, I’m bringing joy to my fellow drivers.” (Photo by the author, thanks Ryan)

Illegal Actvity: Talking on a cell phone while driving

Stylish Alternative: Talking on a cell phone while driving, but holding it like a little diving board for your tongue instead of like a phone.

Verdict: You’re still a tool.  $100 fine.

Macho standards require only holding ones own crotch with the free hand.  (Image from boards dot bengals dot com)
Macho standards require only holding ones own crotch with the free hand. (Image from boards dot bengals dot com)

Illegal Actvity: Hold the pistol vertically with your dominant hand, and brace it with your other hand to shoot at innocent people.

Stylish Alternative: Hold the pistol sideways with one hand while gesturing in a menacing manner with your free hand, possibly throwing gang signs and/or waving a giant foam “We’re Number One!” hand.

Verdict: It’s been proven in courts that the sideways grasp will not get you off the hook for guilt, despite the obvious style points.  Please Note – While alternative grips do not appear to hold sway in Florida courtrooms, the color of the hand doing the grasping may play a role.

Look at this butt-munch!  No style and no regard for the safety of jaywalkers.  (Image from walesonline dot co dot uk)
Look at this butt-munch! No style and no regard for the safety of jaywalkers. (Image from walesonline dot co dot uk)

Illegal Activity: Littering in a public place.

Stylish Alternative: Missing from 3-point land complete with play by play and crowd noises provided by the offender.

Alternative Stylish Alternative – Winter Olympics Tribute: Littering curling-technique where you shove your trash and have it slide across the ground while a friend or two scurry in front of it sweeping like crazy.

Verdict: You’re still a tool – go pick that shit up and throw it away!  Don’t make me come down offa this porch! $50 fine and community service.

Ay!  We gotta dissa statue, we doana mind dee paparazzi, less spilt dissa phona boot, heh?  (Image from theredlist dot com)
Ay! We gotta dissa statue, we doana mind dee paparazzi, less split dissa phona boot, heh Blondie? (Image from theredlist dot com)

Illegal Activity: Yelling “Fire” in a crowded theater.

Stylish Alternative: Yelling “Fuoco!”  in a theater showing a Fellini film festival.

Verdict: The butterfly in the park scene symbolizes the fleeting nature of youth and frailty of human relationships.  You’re still guilty, but with a deeper appreciation for the stark beauty of the inside of a jail cell.  30 days in the foro.

Why settle for amusing readers, when I can shatter stereotypes at the same time?  (Image from mybroadband dot co dot za)
Why settle for amusing readers, when I can shatter stereotypes at the same time? (Image from mybroadband dot co dot za)

Illegal Activity: Public Urination

Stylish Alternative: Going number one while striking a pose as a cherub in a historic city center fountain as your friends laugh nearby.

Verdict: Guilty, but possibly worth a minor bit of internet stardom.  It’s a shame about your photo bombing the background of that couple’s wedding portraits.  $150 fine, not allowed within 500 feet of a school for next 10 years.

For those of you from outside the Delaware Valley, this is a mummer.  Out of towners have been known to mistake them for fashion challenged homeless people (Image from myspace dot com)
For those of you from outside the Delaware Valley, this is a mummer. Out of towners have been known to mistake them for fashion challenged homeless people. (Image from myspace dot com)

Illegal Activity: Public Intoxication (See Public Urination Above)

Stylish Alternative: Attempting to distract arresting officers with avant garde poetry and interpretive dance performance.

Verdict: The pirouette attempt could be construed as malicious intent; Tased, $300 fine, time served.

Classic dick drawings never go out of style.   (Illustration by the author - no, I'm not proud)
Classic dick drawings never go out of style. (Illustration by the author – no, I’m not proud)

Illegal Activity: Smoking where prohibited.

Stylish Alternative: Wearing a smoking jacket, ascot, jaunty cap and using a cigarette holder.

Verdict: You’re still a dick (literally in the case of the recycled illustration)  $50 fine and increased chance of emphysema.

A Deal’s a Deal

The pre-nup didn’t mention beheading specifically. I’d like to think our relationship is more civilized than that. (Image from weddingcakes.com)

You’ve probably noticed.  I haven’t been cranking out the hits as often lately.  I know, I know, calling those posts “hits” is a bit presumptuous of me.  Even so, I’ll admit that things have slowed down a little.  I’m sorry.  I realize that I’ve surely disappointed you, and to be honest, I’ve disappointed myself a little too.  As adults, we have to realize that things don’t stay the same forever, things change and that’s just part of life.

I thought this might be a good time to bring up the pre-nup we signed and the vows we shared when you first started following me.

Please don’t try to play dumb with me.  I’ve got my copy right here.  If you choose to skip the fine print or to keep shoddy records, you have no one but yourself to blame.

Anyway, it says right here in the third paragraph that you pledge to follow me in good times and in bad, in periods of bountiful, hilarious posts and in times of minimal writing with infrequent pity-chuckles.

A few lines down it grants you permission to follow others, which I think was pretty progressive of me, especially since I’m writing just for you (those other followers don’t mean anything to me, you’re the only one who matters – you know that, right?).

To continue, if we scan down to the bottom of page one, there’s the clause for unfollowing.  You have the right to unfollow me, but I’m granted 2 weeks advance notice and the right to appeal your decision via repeated, whining emails and, at my discretion, small bribes.  This is only fair, as it gives me ample time to try to scratch out a new, funny post in a pathetic attempt at recapturing the magic which we shared just a few weeks ago when our relationship was fresh and new.

I realize that introducing legal documents into our relationship makes for some potentially hard feelings.  I didn’t want to have to do this, but dammit, I’ve been hurt too many times!  Besides, these papers don’t really leave you in a bad position; you’re still free to come and go as you please.  The rider regarding clicking “like” isn’t even in there anymore!

I think we need to put these papers aside for a minute and clear the air a little bit.  You might not realize it, but my dopey posts only look like the rambling thoughts of a stooge.  I actually go to great lengths to capture the innocent child-like literary voice of a simpleton for your amusement.  It’s hard work, darn it!   What do you bring to the table?  A promise to follow me?!  That’s it?!  I’m doing all the work and all you have to do is read?  Hell, you don’t even have to do that – just stay on as a follower and let me go on thinking that you still care!  I’ll try to amuse you when and if you deem my post worthy of your attention.

I’m sorry.  I lost my head for a minute there.  I’m just in a dark place right now.  I had this Justin Bieber piece almost done and The Good Greatsby beat me to the punch.  All that time and research down the toilet.  Now I’ve got photos of that little gnome Bieber in my media library, what the hell am I going to do with those?  That and the 7 Deadly Sins competition is tougher than I thought.  After I won the very first sin, it only increased the pressure to win again or risk being branded a one-post-wonder.

He’s mocking me. His recycling can has more followers than my blog. (Image from fanpop.com)

It’s a lot of pressure, because…well…because I want to do my best for you.  Because you believed in me and followed me when no one except those other 6 people did.  I know this line is corny, but by golly, you make me a better writer.  I want to make you laugh and write me cute little comments to make me feel better about my strange view of life.  Honestly, you don’t even have to write the comments if you don’t want to  (Actually, the paragraph requiring you to make comments was struck down by the judge weeks ago).