One Point’s Guide To Tough Times

This is a perfect example of a good place for Josh to cut down on spending.  Just order one coffee at a time and go to places with free refills.  (Photo from hoopshabit dot com).
This is a perfect example of a good place for Josh to cut down on spending. Just order one coffee at a time and go to places with free refills. (Photo from hoopshabit dot com).

Josh Smith is upset. He’s gone on the record and stated the obvious: His making a mere 6.9 million dollars next year is going to be tough on his family.

No Shit!! Amiright?!

If like me, you have absolutely no idea who
Josh Smith is, allow me to let you know what I’ve discovered so far.  He’s a 28 year old professional basketball player with career earnings of 90 million dollars or so.  If he started playing professionally at age 18, my massive calculator brain estimates he’s averaged 9 million a year as a pro.

Josh is far from the first young multi-millionaire who’s been faced with financial duress due to slashed wages.  As a public service to these struggling men and women, I’m offering some budget advice.  Even if you’re not a professional athlete or movie star, you may find a few gems in here.  Following just a couple of my financial hints may help you avoid having to sleep on a steam grate near the bus station for another winter.

Everyone knows that buying in bilk can save you money, especially on essentials like caviar, fancy crackers and jet skis. (Collage by the author)

  • Shop at warehouse stores for caviar.  You could save a ton of money!  Down on aisle 17 they usually have great deals on variety packs of crackers to smear those delicious fish eggs on.  Also…look! A Jet Ski!
It's great saving money on vehicle insurance.  Does this private jet really only have one toilet?
Does this plane really only have one toilet?
  • Consider taking Flo from Progressive’s advice and bundle car, home and private jet insurance policies to save on premiums.
This lovely young woman works with me.  To answer your questions, No I neither work in a basement nor a strip club.  The black bar was added to give this illustration a more naughty vibe
This lovely young woman actually works with me. To answer your questions;  no, I work in neither a basement nor a strip club. The black bar was added to give the photo a more naughty, Bob-Crane-home-movie kind of vibe.
  • If visiting a strip club, refrain from “making it rain” with large denomination bills.  Try using rolls of nickels instead.
Kanye knows better than to wear leather pants with chinchilla after Labor Day!  (Photo from rapgenius dot com)
Kanye knows better than to wear leather pants with chinchilla after Labor Day! (Photo from rapgenius dot com)
  • Consider hiring a professional financial manager to help with stretching those six million nine hundred thousand dollars.  I realize doing this will put your Uncle Curtis out of work, but he’s had a good 9 year run – hopefully he can get his old job back working for the county.  He’ll look good driving that truck with his fur on.

You could start a trend Josh.  Rumor has it Labron is out taking a Kia Sorento for a test drive right now!  (Collage by the author)

  • Trade in your gas-guzzling Bentley and opt for a more economical Toyota Prius.  If headroom is going to be an issue, splurge the extra few bucks to get one with a sunroof.
  • Don’t forget to have the people at the arena to validate your parking pass!

Make sure you pack some wet naps.

  • Brown bag your lunch for road games.  Out of town restaurants can be budget busters!  Packing some wet naps may also save you big bucks at the dry cleaners – you know how messy lobster can get!

 

kk on beer

  • Stay away from Kardashians!  (This won’t necessarily save you money, but it’s good advice anyway).  Take a look at that photo – it’s nothing but trouble; Kimmy’s keister AND evil, delicious imperial stout. This will cost you – If not in money, then in dignity.

 

 

Dr. Palmer posing with the elusive giant chocolate lab he bagged on a recent excursion in the south of Jersey.

  • Avoid exotic pets.  Many athletes and movie stars learn too late about the potentially steep veterinary bills and liability insurance costs related to owning jungle cats, primates or birds of prey.  Besides, you run the the risk that a certain American dentist may come kill your pet with a bow and arrow.

 

Drivin with your homey Flo.  Yo Flo, remind me to get my parking validated.  (Collage by the author)
“Drivin’ with my homey Flo-me. Yo , Yo, Yo, Flo-me – Remind me to get my parking validated.”
  • Encourage your family members to get out there and look for work.  Your wife/girlfriend/baby mama may well have some untapped earning potential.  Remember, if she gets a job near the sports complex, you guys can car pool in the Prius!

1PP Jock

  • Avoid the big-name-jock-strap-trap!  A recent issue of Consumer Reports found that start-up independent manufacturers offer supporters with nearly identical performance as the big name garments – without the big name price!  The graphics on this jockstrap are off the hook!  It’s a shame to cover it up with your game shorts, but the league has standards.
  • It’s never too late to start investing in your future.  I suggest cutting a six figure check to One Point Perspective Enterprises.  There’s no guarantee of dividends, but there’s also no guarantee of a return on your investment!
I plan on cashing that first check and buying myself some snazzy headbands.
I plan on buying myself some snazzy headbands once that first check clears.
  • Finally, if things get really bad, you should consider writing a blog.  It won’t likely make you any money, but it might give you enough perspective to understand that 6.9 million dollars aint too bad for a year of shooting hoops.

 

 

 

 

 

HOW CAN I POSSIBLY COMPETE?!

Oh yeah?! Well, my diaper is authentic, and since I laid eyes on you it got a little heavier. (Image by lalalere s666 photobucket)

I’m trying to build a following without resorting to doing “blue” material or creating alternate names and following myself.  Still the competition is tougher than I thought.  A quick perusal of the net gave me a cold, hard shot of just how tough my opponents can be.  I mean, how can I possibly hope to woo readers when Yahoo is splashing headlines like these all over the internet?:

“Clooney’s girlfriend sizzles in gold dress” – You’re kidding!  George Clooney was spotted with a beautiful woman?!  She was impressive in a gold dress?!!  I’m gobsmacked!

“Aniston earns star on Walk of Fame” – Jennifer Aniston?!  That means she’s joined nearly 2500 other notables including The Incredible Mr. Limpet himself – Don Knotts, NYPD Blue tough cop Dennis Franz and late night funster Arsenio Hall!  Wow!  That IS news!

“Huge payday for hoops MVP” – What?!! The Most Valuable Player in the NBA is being reimbursed a massive amount of money?!? The logic is staggering!

“Gas theft rises with prices” – Let me see if I understand this one: gas costs more, therefore, it’s more valuable, and people are stealing things which have value.  Again, I’m at a loss for words.

As if the splashy headlines themselves weren’t stealing enough of my potential readers, Yahoo has recently posted stories which can’t help but captivate my potential readers for valuable internet minutes. These include such topics as:

Danica Patrick’s High School Yearbook Photo – From what I found online, Danica is approaching the big 3-0 years of age.  So, if my crotchety, old-person math is right, she just graduated high school like 12 years ago.  I don’t want to ruin it for you, but she looks really different today – her hair is the same, her face is the same, but now she’s wearing a snazzy racing outfit.

Rush Limbaugh apologizes for ‘insulting’ student – Apparently he was trying to be humorous and said something derogatory about a Georgetown Law school student.  Rush Limbaugh tried to be humorous and failed miserably?!?  I’m amazed, he’s usually such a wit – just ask Donavan McNabb (Oh wait, that might not be a good example).  Supposedly Rush also insulted the President of the United States.  The big news is that he apologized.

The World’s Ugliest Fish – That’s right folks, step right up, we have here a fish which is uglier than all the other fish.  It’s amazing because most fish seem so cute in a cold, slimy sort of way!

Dating Advice for the Jobless – I’m gainfully employed and married, but I’m sorry, I’ve got to go read that one right now, this stupid blog can wait till I’m done.  Obviously Yahoo is an even stronger competitor for my readers’ attention than I had previously thought.