The Week In Normal – Two Point Oh!

My beloved brother bestowed a bottle of this fine limited edition single malt scotch upon my 50th birthday. I typically enjoyed it out of a glass. (Image from luxist dot com)

A western Pennsylvania man has been charged with drinking multiple bottles of prohibition vintage whiskey while employed as the caretaker of a mansion outside of Pittsburgh.  Apparently, the hooch was hidden in the mansion during prohibition by the man of the house, away from the prying eyes of federal agents.  The 52 purloined bottles of whiskey were valued at $104,000.  While the man initially denied drinking the whiskey, his DNA was eventually recovered from several of the bottles.  I’m assuming that that the genetic evidence was from his lips, which means he was drinking $2000 a jug whiskey right out of the bottle!  That’s straight gangsta yo!

Cheating?! Is this what they taught you at Lawrenceville Prep?! (Image from wikipedia dot com)

Harvard has been stripped of quiz tournament titles after officials found out that a member of the university’s team had gained unfair access to subjects to be covered in the questions.  I’m surprised – that’s such a state-school thing to do!

I don’t know what’s worse, the idiots at the IRS spending 60k on a worthless video, or Joe Biden and his entourage dropping a cool mill in 48 hours in the City of Lights. (Image from wikipedia dot com)

The IRS is catching heat for a training video in which employees dressed up in Star Trek costumes then filmed their skit on a set of the Enterprise in an IRS studio….”an IRS studio” ??!  These dopes are spending my money on a studio?…to make Star Trek parody training videos?!!?  I’d be happier if they were selling crack and gambling with the profits.  I’d write a whole post about this, but I’m not enough of a Trekkie and I’m already too much of a taxpayer.

Kids today! Am I right?! (Image from tvgasm dot com)

An ex-NFL cheerleader has been accused of attempting to have sexual contact with a 12 year old boy.  First and foremeost, this is a serious accusation.  That being said, where were the ex-NFL cheerleaders when I was 12?  In her defense, she admitted to approaching the boy, but said she was drunk, and confused him with an adult male who was also at the gathering.  Just to clarify, I was pretty big for my age at 12 – where were the drunk ex-NFL cheerleaders?  Seriously though, maybe she was trying to recapture her lost youth by capturing a youth.

A news chopper flew to the scene in Philadelphia’s Germantown section to report on a suspected dog fighting ring.  Like any news team, they were hell-bent on beating the other networks to the story.  Turns out at least two of the dogs in question were not feeling quite so combative as the chopper hovered nearby.  Some pitbulls find the chance of being caught in the act is a big doggie turn on.

This Week In Normal

Welcome to This Week In Normal.  In this feature. I’ll be picking out a few news stories every week or so and giving my two cents on each of them.  At that rate, this inaugural batch should run me about a dime.  Some of you might think that this feature should be called “The Week In Weird”, but unfortunately, I’m pretty sure that name’s taken.  Besides, my title is more accurate.

I can’t believe she’s doing that! Doesn’t she know how DIRTY those carts are?!?(Image from jokeroo dot com)

A University of Arizona study revealed that 72% of shopping cart handles were crawling with fecal bacteria.  Where I live, we push the carts with our hands, I can only assume, no pun intended, that some people in Arizona are pushing the carts with their naked butts.

Seriously, you can tell me; does this hat make me look stupid?  (Image from 1000 funny pistures dot com)

A man in England nearly died from fungal pneumonia which he contracted from the bagpipes which he regularly plays.  He admitted that it’s important to get your pipes cleaned out regularly – you have to admit that’s probably easier said than done when you’re 78 years old.  Also, who’d have guessed that playing the bagpipes could be as bad for your lungs as listening to them is for your ears?

Roaches?! On a bus?!! Next you’ll be telling me there are rats in subway tunnels! (Image from favim dot com)

Passengers on a bus from Atlantic City bound for Manhattan were moved to another bus after complaints that the original motor coach was infested with cockroaches.  Scores of roaches came out of vents early in the trip.  So this particular plan to export vermin out of the Garden State has been foiled.  Not to worry, we’ve got other schemes in mind.  Don’t believe me?  What state are the Nets calling home these days?

Nope! No fat or sugar in out baked goods. Also, that red stuff is made out of berries, so they count as a serving of fresh fruit. (Image from science daily dot com)

A bakery in Clifton, New Jersey has been shut down by the FDA after products which they advertised as “sugar free” and “fat free” were found to have sugar and saturated fat in them, respectively.  In the baker’s defense, it’s really really hard to make delicious baked goods without using sugar and butter and maybe a little palm oil.  It’s even more difficult to get people to buy them when you do.  The FDA spokesperson reportedly advised the bakery to tell its customers that they should have a piece of fresh fruit, put down that damn video game and go play outside.

The article does not go into detail about the wife’s failed attempt at reconciliation using a nail gun. (Image from the sun dot co dot uk)

A prison guard in western Pennsylvania is in trouble.  Apparently, after drinking for most of the day and arguing with his wife, he attempted to shoot the wedding ring off of his finger.  He badly mangled his finger, but surprisingly, the ring did not come off.  Nice shot, Bucko – maybe get a little closer to your target next time.  He was arrested for his reckless behavior, but the real trouble will come from his wife, who will not likely ever let him forget what an idiot he was, how embarrassed she is over the whole thing, the blood stains on the kitchen curtains, how thanks to that crappy insurance from his job, they have to pay a $1200 deductible for his trip to the ER, and whether he thought that bullets grew on trees.