Bruce Jenner’s Bucket List

I look for blog topics everywhere I go.  A case in point, while looking through a trash can near the Santa Monica pier for half eaten burritos and/or aluminum cans, a wadded up piece of paper from a yellow legal tablet caught my eye.

If you get a big enough bucket, you can fit quite a few things in it (and on it).  Officially the most fun I've had with my new smart phone. (Collage by the author)
If you get a big enough bucket, you can fit quite a few things in it (and on it). Officially the most fun I’ve had with my new smart phone. (Collage by the author)

I unwrinkled and smoothed it out as much as I could.  After reading it over a few times, I’m convinced that this random piece of trash may in fact be Bruce Jenner’s Bucket List.  Give it the once over and decide for yourself  (I took the liberty of adding a few pictures – the original only had some doodles of hearts, unicorns and Olympic rings in the margins).

 

1. Win Olympic Gold MedalDone 1976

2. Grace the cover of the Wheaties boxDone (Twice, but who’s counting?)

3. Get involved with a zany familyDone – Married Kris Kardashian 1991

4. Become a reality TV starDone – After various attempts, finally hit the big time with “Keeping Up With The Kardashians” in 2007

5. Give Kim all the relationship advice I canI’ve tried, Lord knows I’ve tried.  She’s Kanye’s problem now!

6. Get safely past the menopause years before changing my genderAs a 65 year old gal, I’ll avoid hot flashes and qualify for an AARP discount at The Fashion Hutt!  Since I technically still have my boy parts, I can’t cross this one off the list just yet!

These will be a big hit when I hit for the early bird special down at the clubhouse.  Black balls for formal occasion, high-optic green tennis balls after Labor Day! (Image from hollowtreeventures dot com)
These walker-heels will be a smash for the early-bird special down at the clubhouse. Remember Bruce, black balls for formal occasions and of course, no high-optic green tennis balls after Labor Day! (Image from hollowtreeventures dot com)

7. Become a woman just in time to take advantage of the Bea Arthur estate saleI haven’t seen any flyers posted down at the community center, I hope I didn’t miss it!

8. Find the most sure-fire way possible to get back on the front of the tabloidsDone!  Those rags are gobbling this story up! The only celebrities who have weirder stories than me are Michael Jackson and Elvis, and they’re both (supposedly) dead.

He ate fried peanut butter and banana sandwiches?!  Big Deal!! Try keeping a straight face while Khloe talks about the meaning of life! (Photo by the author while in the checkout line)
Elvis ate fried peanut butter and banana sandwiches?! Big Deal!! Try keeping a straight face while Khloe talks about the meaning of life! (Photo by the author while in the checkout line)

9. Piss off the Wheaties people by going both gluten free and penis freeAlmost done.  I assume I’m close to  achieving this, their people haven’t returned my people’s calls in a few years

10. Get on “The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon”Done!

11. Get on “I’m A Celebrity – Get Me Out Of Here!”Done!!

12. Get on “My Strange Addiction”They haven’t called yet, but I’m thinking they will

13. Talk to Kim about how to get some junk in my trunkMaybe when she’s done breaking the interweb and naming her kids after directions on a compass, she can give me some booty pointers

Septagenarians agree, that's not a bad rack for an old broad, but he needs more bootie if he's gonna be twerking  to Lawrence Welk's Greatest Hits
Octogenarians agree, that’s a decent rack for an old broad, but he needs more booty on the back porch if he’s considering twerking in the day room to Tommy James and the Shondels Greatest Hits (Image from splashnewsonline dot com)

14. Play Pebble Beach from the ladies tees.  Soon, baby…Soon!

15. If I’m going to throw the javelin, I need to learn to throw it like a girl (and not one of those East German chicks from back in my Olympic days).  I saw on that Super Bowl commercial that it’s not politically correct to talk about “throwing like a girl”, but if I’ve learned one thing from this “journey” it’s that just growing my hair long and smearing some Mary Kay foundation over my 5 o’clock shadow doesn’t make me a woman.

16. Learn how to walk in heelsI won the Olympic decathlon, for crying out loud!  How hard can a nice pair of pumps be?!

I think the white socks with blue stripes give these get shoes a patriotic look, but my bunions hurt worse than the seeing the ratings of my new TV show. (Image from english dot cntv.cn)
The white socks with blue stripes give these shoes a snappy, patriotic look!!  FYI;  bunions and athlete’s foot is one hellish combination. (Image from english dot cntv dot cn)

17. Make America proudDone!  That gold medal in ’76 certainly did the trick

18. Make America throw up in its mouth a little Working on it every day.  I can do this, I know I can!

19. Take advantage of these incredible cheekbones! This rouge is tricky stuff.  If I don’t get the hang of it, I’m going to end up looking like Leona Helmsley

Leona Helmsley as she might have appeared as an Olympic javelin thrower (E-Collage by yours truly)
Leona’s rare Wheaties box cover. (E-Collage by yours truly)

20. Start peeing sitting downThis one should be easy, after teetering around in those heels, I’ll take any chance I can get to get off my feet!

Summer Workout Tips From “Coach 1-Point”

With the start of the Olympic games, many of us are not satisfied with simply marvelling at the prowess of the athletes.  We look up from our recliners, our chests covered with salt and vinegar potato chip fragments and ask ourselves why we can’t have the bodies of beach volleyball players or decathalon medalists.  First of all, if you want to keep from getting anymore of those chip crumbs on your gut, you should close your mouth before asking yourself any such questions.  Thank you.

Luckily for all of you armchair jocks and hot body wannabees, good old “Coach 1-Point” is here with some helpful tips.

If you’re going to work out, then dammit, take it seriously. As they say in the ads, “Make Herr’s Yers”. Cutting corners on the quality of your Salt N Vinegar chips will hurt you in the long run. (Image from Walmart.com)

Nutrition

You need to know that those chips are not the best way to go.  If you insist on the chips, then for an additional push in your workout, hold the bag away from your body, so you have to reach further for each handful.  Salt and vinegar chips are better than other varieties, since they start to macerate your lips and tongue before you can get all the way to the bottom of the bag.  Having a mouth that feels like you gargled with battery acid is nature’s way of telling you to put a chip-clip on that bag and save the rest for your next workout.  By golly, those things are sure salty – so remember to keep yourself hydrated!  I suggest diet tonic water in your gin and tonics as an easy way to avoid empty calories.

Remember kids, leaving off that cherry will greatly reduce your dietary intake of red dye #2, and skipping the whipped cream will cut down on your having a two-tone mustache when you’re done drinking! (Image from smoothierecipe.tv)

There have been some commercials lately which espouse the benefits of drinking chocolate milk after exercising to replenish vital nutrients.  I’ve started working out a little, and the chocolate milk afterwards really does seem to make a difference.   Since my initial burst of enthusiasm, I’ve slacked off on the exercise itself, and now I just continue the chocolate milk component of my regimen.  I’m thinking the addition of some Amaretto or Bailey’s, and maybe a small scoop of vanilla ice cream would make it even better.  Fit-Body Super Hint: Stick with a small scoop of ice cream – you can’t expect to look like a world class javellin thrower if you put extra big dollops of Ben and Jerry’s in your post-workout Kahlua/chocolate milk energy shake!

Stretching

Any athlete knows about the importance of stretching before and after exercise.  Keeping the body limber will limit injuries and help you get the most out of your workout.  Many stretches are best performed lying on the floor on ones back or stomach.  The stretch can be controlled this way and prolonged to tolerance by the comfort of the position.  Most people would agree that while a gentle stretch feels tolerable for a little while, but a more agressive stretch can be downright unpleasant.  I’ve found that minimizing the force of the stretch has enabled me to actually doze off during it.  My wife, who doesn’t have the expertise on exercise which I possess, has accused me of napping when I’m supposed to be working out.

How can she run through the snow with such agility? Easy! She’s a highly conditioned canine athlete who spends hours every day “stretching” on the floor!

1 Point Workout Key: Success in stretching needs to include being on a comfortable floor which your spouse is not trying to vacuum.

Alternate Exercises

Most of us know that a long run or trip to the local healthclub can be both boring and time consuming.  “Coach 1-Point!” you cry, “I just can’t find time in my busy, workaday world to work out!”  First of all, don’t use the word “workaday” – you probably work 8 hour shifts in an office building if you’re lucky enough to have a job.  My blog statistics show you’re unlikely to be slaving away in a steel mill or mining diamonds in South Africa.  The good thing to know is that many of your typical daily activities can be substituted for formal exercise.  For instance, doing a load of laundry burns roughly the same calories as when an Olympic athlete does their laundry.  Power 1-Point Uber Workout Advice: To add a super-challenge to your workout, skip the machines and beat your clothes on rocks down by the river.

Don’t think of this as drudgery – think of it as a two handed kettle-bell weight. For more resistance, do the sheets from the guest bedroom! (Image from teentraveltalk.com)

Accessorize Accessorize Accessorize !

Anyone who’s been paying attention to all of the stories about the Olympics knows that having the right warm-up suit and gear is critical.  I suggest getting a permanent marker and crossing out “China” and writing “USA” on the tags to keep from having negative media attention (Unless you’re from China – but according to my blog stats, you probably aren’t).  You’ll need to choose your accessories wisely, as some of that stuff will put a dent in the old wallet.  Those prosthetic legs cost more than your car, and don’t even get me started about the sneakers the Dream Team wears!  Your best bet is to emulate the swimmers.

Wearing these over your eyes will only look appropriate in the pool or at ComicCon. For the most style points everywhere else, keep them around your neck. In the event you have multiple chins, you may want to just carry them in your hand or wear them on your forehead. (Image from sablewateroptics.com)

You can score a snazzy pair of goggles, a swim cap and a chamois for less than the price of dinner out at a French restaurant.  Also, you can buy a pair of spandex bike shorts instead of the high tech bathing suits to save another couple of bucks.  If you go with the bike shorts, steer clear of the ones with the butt pads sewn into them, they will not help your look.  On another swimming related topic, you may want to skip shaving down.  Though body hair can slow your times by as much as a thousandth of a second, it can also help to hide some of the imperfections.  A creative man-scaper can actually give the illusion of washboard abs, simply by shaving the belly hair in horizontal bands.  For the ladies, consider a one-piece suit with the added aerodynamic benefits of a Spanx insert.  Mega-Power Disclaimer: In the event that these helpful workout hints don’t give you the results you had your heart set on, you can always go with the blazer and hat ensemble popular at the closing ceremonies.

Check back in for more helpful hints and remember our corporate tag line – “It only takes 1-Point to win!”

Prior to beating three loads of laundry on those rocks behind me, I dropped 3 1/2 pounds just by manscaping. (Individual results may vary – 1pointperspective recommends you get clearance from your physician before undertaking any exercise program including, but not limited to, jumping over sleeping spouses on the floor)