Top NSFW Searches – Valentine’s Edition

Nothing says Happy Valentine’s Day quite like some unsolicited smut.  Don’t ask me how I managed to get this into a heart shaped box, but now that you’ve opened it…

If you haven't read my "47 Shades of Pink" then you just don't love me.  Illustration by the author
If you haven’t read my “47 Shades of Pink” then you just don’t love me. This drawing has no relevance to the topic, but gives me a reason to “Shades of” “pink” and “Barnyard” in my tags and draw even more pervs. Illustration by the author

Over the days leading up to Valentine’s Day, the search topic which has sent the most people to my blog is “detailed penis drawing“.  Apparently drawing hearts isn’t how everyone decorates their cards.  Either that, or they’re hell bent on rendering Cupid just right.  I’m fairly confident that those faceless web surfers out there have been disappointed by having their search land them smack dab ( umm okay – bad choice of analogies) in the middle of my award-winning blog post* which featured an interview with politician/e- exhibitionist Anthony Weiner’s weiner.

Classic dick drawings never go out of style.   (Illustration by the author - no, I'm not proud)
Classic dick drawings never go out of style. (Illustration by the author – no, I’m not proud)

It’s funny if you think about it.  I mean, the internet has no shortage, so to speak, of pictures of naughty bits.  If you want to see what a schwantz, some knockers, a va-jay-jay, or a booty looks like, you’re in the right place.  There are many folks who would testify that even if you don’t wish to see any such anatomy, the internet will be more than happy to show you anyway.

Someone who is actively searching for detailed drawings of a ding-a-ling is probably not expecting to find one with a jaunty cap, cigarette holder and an ascot.  A quick creative aside, I had considered drawing Anthony’s pecker wearing a “dickey” instead of an ascot, but as it happens dickey is funny to say but not all that amusing to look at.  Besides, an ascot gives an air haughty sophistication, and goes incredibly well with a tufted smoking jacket.

I’m not particularly choosey about who reads my blog, in fact, I don’t even care if readers speak English.  I get the occasional notifications of new followers and I’m happy to have each and every one of them.  That being said, I’d like to take a moment to welcome the latest ones, including pp-looker, durtydurtydude, mindifistare?, holdstillwhileIgetmysktechpadandcharcoal, and of course package-chekker34.

I’d write more, but I’ve got a card to make for my wife.

*In the spirit of full disclosure, I’m pretty sure that post didn’t win any awards, which was unfortunate, because I had one hell of an acceptance speech written.  I also had a snazzy smoking jacket picked out to wear the the ceremony!

Don’t Put That In Your Sister’s EZ Bake Oven!

Now that kids all over the country have had a chance to dig into their new toys, manufacturers are dealing with the occasional fall-out from products which offer less (or more) than parents bargained for.

It seems the good folks at Hasbro have just such a pubic relations issue with their new Play Doh cake decorator extruder-thingy.  Rather than describe the issue, I’ll just post a little pic of it below and see if you can guess the problem.

Take a look at the picture and see if you can figure out the problem people are having with it.  If you guessed that it's made in China of inferior plastic containing lead, you might want to look again.
Take a look at the picture and see if you can figure out the problem people are having with it.  If you guessed that it’s made in China of inferior grade plastic, you might want to look again.

You couldn’t see what the issue with the toy is?  Me either!  I did an online search and found some customer complaints, maybe looking at them will shed some light on the problem.

  • “Why did Santa bring this?  Mom already has one in her sock drawer” –  Becky K. – Joplin, Missouri
  • “Tell your sister she has to share, Johnnie! You both get to play with the extruder-thingy”  – Nancy R. – Medford, Oregon
  • “Don’t bother looking at the directions kids, Daddy knows how to use that thing”  – Brad H. – Toledo, Ohio
  • “You’ll shoot your eye out, kid!”  – Department store Santa – Jacksonville, Florida
  • “Dad! I can’t find the cake extruder-thingy and Mom won’t come out of the bedroom to help me look for it”  – Jimmy P. – Des Moines, Iowa
  • “Mom! Timmy wants to fill it with lemonade and try to write his name in the snow!” – Brittany M. – Grand Rapids, Michigan
  • “Mommy, why did you think this toy needs batteries?” – Filbert H. – Baton Rouge, Louisiana
  • “Daddy, why did my new Play Doh cake decorating set come with Anthony Weiner campaign literature?” – Giselle T. Brooklyn, New York

I’m sure that Hasbro doesn’t see a problem either, but you know, the customer is always right.  Parents need to accept that even without a cake decorator extruder, that’s one of the first things a lot of kids are going to make out of Play Doh anyway.

A Weiner By Any Other Name

Despite his condom cap and dark glasses, we'd know him anywhere!  (Illustration by the author - no, I'm not proud)
Despite his condom cap and dark glasses, we’d know him anywhere! (Illustration by the author – no, I’m not proud)

By now, most people have heard about New York City mayoral candidate and former congressman Anthony Weiner’s recent relapse. Once again, he’s lost his footing on the slippery slope of posting naughty photos of his private parts. By a stroke of luck, I’ve been granted an exclusive interview with the star of the show, Mr. Weiner’s penis, Edgar Winston Weiner.

1PP: Edgar, thank you for joining me.
EWW: My pleasure, One Point, but please, call me Chumley – it’s been my nickname since Anthony saw his first Tennessee Tuxedo cartoon back in his childhood.

1PP: I think America is more than ready to hear your views.
EWW: I appreciate you giving me this forum. I’m sure there are a few wise-asses who’ll think it’s funny that a penis is being interviewed by someone named “1PP”, but I was tired of waiting for Pierce Morgan’s people to call. I want my side of the story out there.

1PP: Let’s get to the meat of the matter, what’s it like to be the object of so much attention, again?
EWW: Look pal, if you’re gonna get cute with the questions, we can end this interview right now. My PR people warned you about trying to be funny with word-play. I’m in a difficult position here, and if you’re going to go for cheap laughs with meat references, I’ll take my bag and leave.

1PP: My apologies. It was a Freudian slip, I guess.
EWW: Fair enough. Back to your question. It’s been hard on me. I mean, like most penises, I live my life in the dark most of the time. I’m not really accustomed to the spot-light.

1PP: How do you answer those who’ve speculated that you’re the brains behind the operation?
EWW: I’m glad you asked. Certainly I’ll admit to having a fair degree of influence over Tony, but these sexting fiascos are pretty much his doing. Can you imagine me taking snap shots and texting them to bimbos? I mean, look at me; I have no fingers! Seriously, look at me! How do I look? How about from this angle? Hold it a sec…how about now?

1PP: Umm. You look…ummm…can we get back to the interview? Please, sit back down.
EWW: Sorry. I’m trying to rebuild my image, but it’s an uphill battle.

1PP: Yeah…umm…well…Back to the questions. Speaking of your image, do you feel people are unable to look at you without a jaundiced eye?
EWW: I think lots of people have that problem. They can’t just look at me and see a penis; to them, I’m that penis. It’s embarrassing. I mean, I’ve got a life too. It’s not easy trying shield your family from the scrutiny of the media.

1PP: Tell us about that.
EWW: Well, you know, I’ve got the twins. I always try to keep them nearby, and sometimes it’s tough to protect them from the hurtful things that people say. For the record, I’ve done my very best to keep them out of this. I admit though, on at least one occasion, they were inadvertently featured in a photo.

1PP: Yes, that must be difficult for you. Have you discussed your feelings with Anthony, to try to help him avoid these incidents.
EWW: I’ve tried, God knows I’ve tried. Tony isn’t always easy to get through to – he’s a driven man. He’s running for mayor, for crying out loud! On some level though, I feel like he’s still an 11 year-old boy trying to impress that Blattstein girl behind the snack bar at the city pool. For the record, I told him it was a bad idea even back then – the water was especially cold that day and we could have been caught. Her mother was right around the corner, waiting on line to buy snow cones. Sorry – that’s still a difficult memory for me. I wish I could turn back the hands of time.

1PP: I think we’ve all had moments of regret, when we wish we could undo bad things we’ve been a part of…
EWW: Maybe the Blattstein girl is in the phone book. If not, Tony could get himself on the internet and do one of those searches. He could send her a pic, show her what my A-game looks like. How’s this pose? Whaddya think?

1PP: Umm…I thought you were referring to going back and not showing yourself to people.
EWW: Oh…oh yeah! Yeah, that’s what I meant.

1PP: Did you have anything to do with Anthony’s choice of the name “Carlos Danger” in his attempt to protect his anonymity?
EWW: Glad you brought that up. As you can imagine, Tony had a tough time growing up with that last name of his. I mean, I had the same last name, but look at me, the name fits right? Really…look at me. Anyway, I understand him wanting to try to use a different name for discretion and all, but I was never a fan of “Carlos Danger”. I thought it sounded a little corny, you know? It was too B-grade porn star for my tastes.

1PP: What’s next for you and Anthony?
EWW: That’s the 64 dollar question, isn’t it? We’re hoping he somehow manages to win the mayoral race. I try to use positive visualization to help him along. I picture myself standing proudly at attention on the podium as the band plays. Between you and me, I’ve got my eye on a cabinet post. Something in public relations, maybe. From what I hear, the mayor gets his own photographer, and the lighting in his office is supposed to be really nice.

1PP: Well, I wish you and Anthony the best of luck. One thing seems clear to me, no matter what happens with the campaign, I’m pretty sure we’ll see you again.
EWW: Thanks, One Point. Is there any chance I can get a copy of the illustration? You can text it to me.