Hey! It’s Me – Up Here On The Balcony!

I want to apologize to all of my loyal readers, contest entrants and other lemmings.  I’ve been having a tough time getting things done over the past couple of days.  It’s all because I’ve been swamped in acting-papal duties ever since Benedict wussed out and quit.

That's me up on the balcony.  You can't beleive the amount of pigeon crap up here.  (Image from wikimedia dot com)
That’s me up on the balcony. You can’t believe the amount of pigeon crap up here. (Image from wikimedia dot com)

Every time I sit down to try to get some work done, the Pope-Phone rings.  It’s always one cardinal or another whining with some pressing question about switching to gluten-free communion wafers or fixing typos in the New Testament – turns out there are some ancient language experts are saying that “…thy neighbor’s wife” is a poor translation and was supposed to be “…little boys”.

The whole red shoe deal has presented a fiasco all its own.  We decided to throw Gucci a bone and give Prada a downgrade to second string.  Then Gucci found out that I take a mens size 15 and they got – wait for it – cold feet.  For you international readers, American mens size 15 shoes translate to a European size 273.5 – give or take.  In the meantime, I’ve got an old pair of red Chuck Taylor high tops which will have to do.

Careful followers of current events will point out that Benedict only stepped down officially a day or so ago.  The truth of the matter is that once he filed his papers, he’s been a lame duck Pope.  Rumor has it, the last few days Benny only came to the office to pilfer paper clips and boxes of sacrimental wine.  He’s just going through the motions – you can see the lack of “snap” in his blessings.

Ever since they found out about the retirement, the college of cardinals have pretty much ignored him in the cafeteria.  They’ve all been busy jockeying for position.  There have been several incidents of those guys getting caught trying on the pointy hat and checking out the view from the throne seat in the back of the Pope Mobile.  I myself have never been in it, but I was amazed to hear that they don’t have an E-Z Pass in there!  The ashtray must be full of quarters – those robes have almost no pockets.

This is the Pope Mobile from Mercedes.  There was big pressure to use Fiat or Lamboghini, but hey, he's a Pope, not a contortionist, am I right?  (Image from telegraph dot co dot uk)
This is the Pope Mobile from Mercedes. There was big pressure to use Fiat or Lamborghini, but hey, he’s a Pope, not a contortionist, am I right? (Image from telegraph dot co dot uk)

The whole gang will get together and try to come up with a new guy, but in the meantime, they’ve tagged yours truly as temporary Pope.  Other than the shoes – if that ever gets resolved – it’s going to be a rather thankless job.  I won’t show up in the history books or get credit for any of my edicts.  In fact, the official Vatican spokesperson won’t even acknowledge my existance.

Regardless, I’ll be glad when I see that puff of white smoke, so I can get back to writing blog posts and watching “The Borgias” on cable.