The mad-witty diva at Blogdramedy posted an interesting piece the other day which posed some supposedly stupid questions. Ever eager to prove that I’m not stupid, I started answering each of the questions in the comment section of her blog. I quickly realized several key points. One was, there was a good chance that only a handful of people would ever see my answers, since a great many readers had already seen the piece and weren’t likely to re-read it just in case there were new comments made. I also had a small lightbulb flicker on in my head signifying my realization that I didn’t have crap to write about unless the Dallas Cowboys had some new embarrassment pop up (A fella can always hope). Finally, I recalled Blogdramedy’s offer to host a guest-post by yours truly. We had collaborated previously on a blog involving the names which paint manufacturers pick for their colors. The piece was well received, the New York Times simply RAVED about it (or maybe not). In any case, the whole prospect of answering stupid questions seemed like a good idea. The planets had aligned themselves for a perfect storm of self-indulgent, quasi-creative writing.
(In the spirit of full disclosure, I have to admit that after seeing my post on Blogdramedy’s site, I found a couple of things which I had to change, so the following has been edited slightly. I know I couldn’t possibly find pics to illustrate this as well as she did – so I’m thinking I’ll serve it dry, without gravy)
Here then, are her questions and my answers.
1. Why do people say that life is like baseball?
Life can be compared to baseball for many reasons. For one thing, both life and baseball are incredibly boring. Cynics will tell you that in baseball, as in life, young people participate in it while the old shits just watch it while complaining how it used to be better. In addition, both baseball and life have been over-analyzed to the n’th degree. Speaking of over-analysis, there are those who may choose to compare the dugout to the grave, the pitcher’s mound to Mt. Ararat and the ball to earth itself. In reality, life and baseball are not alike because, as I learned from a riddle in 3rd grade, “How can a man with 4 balls walk?”
2. When did Kim Kardashian decide that hooker chic was a good look for her?
Kim Kardashian in fact, has not embraced hooker chic. Despite being the world’s oldest profession, hookers have long wished for a style they could call their own. With the advent of reality TV, people were exposed to many new faces of frequently vacuous personalities. The appearance of the Kardashian tribe, including Kim, did not go unnoticed. A woman-of-the-night named Kitty Fontana, who was working in Nevada at the Chicken Ranch, was the first to propose to her fellow flesh-workers that they might increase business by dressing like Kim K. The ploy worked, and sales jumped. The hookers also noticed an increase in customers making kinky requests, like telling them in the middle of the Siamese Basket Trick things like “Kim you idiot! Shut the hell up!” So there you have it: Kim doesn’t dress like a hooker; Hookers dress like Kim!
3. Do you think that Mitt Romney is more concerned that Jesus was married or gay?
This is a tricky one, and it’s meant to be. It’s an interesting premise. After all, Jesus could well have been either…OR BOTH! I’ve taken a few art history courses, and I have to admit, in some of those paintings, he looked like maybe he was a little light in the sandals, if you know what I mean. By the same token, he was known to hang out with Mary Magdalene (who sadly walked the earth long before prostitutes had Kim Kardashian for a fashion role model). It’s a scary proposition that the candidate for the presidency would spend any time worrying about such nonsense when there are turkeys to pardon and ribbons to cut. The true answer is that Mitt doesn’t give a rat’s heinie about what the Son of God did behind closed doors. Mitt’s campaign handlers, eager to keep him from putting another loafer-clad foot in his pie hole, cooked up the question to bamboozle the general public and paint Mitt as a deep-thinking intellectual. Point Handlers. MSNBC to volley for serve on the next point.
4. Why do people at fast food joints ask “you want fries with that?”
Asking people if they want fries with that is a left-over tradition from the very early days of fast food. Fast food originated, like damn near everything else, in China. The industrious Chinese of the Maac Dynasty first sold their version of fast food in the year 957 BC. The Chinese are known for eating all sorts of things which we fickle Americans would turn our noses up at, such as insects and vegetables. One of the most popular items was the Maac-raap (Pronounced Ma Crap), which was a wonton pancake wrapped around a variety of ingredients. The dish was easy to eat on-the-go, whether you were invading Mongolia or building a wall. One of the optional fillings was actually house flies, which when stir fried, add a zesty, protein-filled crunch to each bite. Due to western misinterpretation of the the Asian dialects, “flies” became “fries”. This worked to the benefit of everyone invloved as fast food workers were often too pressed for time to ask patrons if they wanted “shoe-string potatoes cooked in lard with that?”
5. Does your zodiac sign really explain everything about you?
This question is open to individual opinion. Personally, I was born under the sign of Capricorn the Goat. While I do not have a scraggly beard hanging off of my chin, I’m tempted to grow one. I must admit to enjoying the occasional tin can for a snack and it’s no treat finding shoes to fit my cloven hooves. Despite those goat-like attributes, try to explain my fascination with Norwegian fetish porn or the early music of Tommy James and the Shondels. There’s just no zodiac symbol for that crap.
6. Is love really all you need?
Love is a many splendored thing (That’s not my line). It won’t keep you warm in the winter or fill your belly during a famine. While love may be one of the things you really need, it won’t get you to work on time, you’re gonna need a car for that. On a related question, why has no one compared love to baseball? I’ll tell you why, because baseball is a game and love is a battlefield (Pat Benatar, that was for you – it still hurts).
7. Do you think Elmer Fudd ever got over his speech impediment?
“Speech impediment” is a modern concept. Elmer Fudd lived in a time when people didn’t concern themselves with “labels”. They got up, wooked the swing shift at the Boeing pwant, dwank a couple of dwafts with the boys down at the wocal tapwoom and on the weekend, they hunted wabbits. They wived theah wives wiffout wegahd to how they pwonounced the wuhds they spoke. They wuh the gweatest genewation.
8. Do you think the band “Earth, Wind and Fire” left “Water” out on purpose?
Absolutely, they left water out on purpose! Contray to popular belief, it wasn’t a matter of snubbing water or favoring the other elements. In truth, they had expected fans to actually identify the individual elements with certain band members. Jimmy “Earth” Monroe was known for his funky bass playing and keeping things grounded with his licks. Perry “Fire” Winslow played a blistering tenor sax. Freddy “Beans” Wallace was known for his fondness of Mexican cuisine and his frequent flatulance emptied more than a few tour busses. Sadly, fans didn’t go along with the bands’ plan, preferring to just enjoy the music without bothering to learn who the actual musicians were. As an example of this fact, I made up the three names listed above, and I’m guessing that no more than 7 of you even noticed. A bonus bit of trivia: The original name the of the band was “Rock, Paper and Scissors”. I made that up too.
So concludes my answers to B-Dramedy’s supposedly stupid questions. If you’re reading these words, you’ve likely just wasted several valuable minutes of your life hoping to find a chuckle. So who’s calling who stupid now?