Lemme Tell Ya How To Spend That Money

I’m certainly not the first person to shake my head in amazement at hair-brained scientific studies which waste crazy amounts of government money finding out that donuts make us fat or that, on average, dogs like to turn around 2.7 revolutions before lying down.  Though I admit to wondering whether dogs south of the equator turn counter-clockwise like the whole water-down-the-drain thing.

It’s understandable that we have issues with public monies in the form of grants and such getting used for frivolous studies when there are tens of thousands of us who could have used that money to get iPhones and European sedans.

Let’s not waste any more time pissing and moaning about stupid “scientific” misuses of tax payor dollars.  I’d rather focus on the wasting of other dollars.  Money which I never really had any claim to in the first place; funds raised by foundations and groups for the pursuit of one holy grail or another.

I read about the most recent expedition of teams of scientists flying to the furthest reaches of the South Pacific trying to find Amelia Earhart’s crash site.  When and if someone finds it, everyone will be like “Oh! Thank Goodness!  Now we know conclusively that her plane went down and she died”  Does anyone really doubt that happened?  Does it matter to anyone whether she was killed in a crash?  Is there really any chance that she survived and lived off of poi and roasted sea gull until being rescued by local fishermen, who sold her into the lucrative white slave markets of Tonga?

What about the romance angle?  Earhart was flying with navigator Fred Noonan.  They left Papua New Guinea on July 2, 1937 and were never seen again.  Isn’t it possible that the two of them just wanted to get away from it all and build a happy love nest on some small atoll?  How has no one ever pursued that angle?

Okay, so we know she got in the plane, here’s a photo. We know she was over a desolate part of the world with few islands and mostly vast expanses of open water. We know she disappeared. Hmmm…what could have happened? It’s a mystery I tell ya! (image from scholastic.com)

The big appeal of the Earhart disappearance is that no one knows for certain, and these people really want to know, definitively, what happened.  I can understand the itch of not knowing and needing to to know something.  Still, there are plenty of other mysteries which we don’t have an answer to, but have generated a fraction of the funds toward solving.

I’d like to propose that they spend less of that private money on finding Amelia Earhart and more of it on finding Big Foot.  We already have plenty of evidence that Amelia existed, and have lots of facts about her exploits, except the very last thing she did.  Bigfoot, on the other hand, has been much more elusive.

There have been reports of Bigfoot’s existence for a great many years in cultures around the world.  He’s known by different names in different parts of the world, including Sasquatch, Yeti and Shaq.  This creature has lived in our world for thousands of years, and yet we have no evidence of him.  No fur, no definite tracks, no bones or remains, not even a single turd.

I showed this pic to a few ladies I know, and the consensus is that this female Sasquatch might have had a little work done. Just too perky for a mature Bigfoot female in their collective opinion. I’m more curious why she decided to have her picture taken in front of a backdrop of fake woods when she lives in a real forest. (Image from bigfootevidence.blogspot.com)

Let’s let those facts sink in for a moment shall we?  There is no trace of Bigfoot really.  These giant creatures have lived in the wilderness for all these centuries and have managed to pick up after themselves and refrain from carving their initials in a single sequoia.  They’ve been so fastidious about not leaving a mess behind that some folks point to the lack of a physical evidence and question whether Bigfoot even exists.

We humans, on the other hand, can’t even make ourselves a cup of coffee and have a morning sit-down without leaving carbon footprints which are visible from outer space.  Considering the wreckless pace at which we’re driving the planet toward becoming a globally-warmed, trash-island-having, toxic waste site, we need to find Bigfoot and soon.  Without his secrets for clean living, we’re doomed.

As long as we’re on the subject, in thousands of years, the Loch Ness Monster has polluted less water than the average 30 minute jet-ski rental.  This is likely due to the fact that, unlike Bigfoot, the Loch Ness Monster doesn’t actually exist.  I mean come on, people, you can’t really believe that nonsense, right?

Castro Gives Me Gastro

"Dead men tell no tales, right Chica? Whaddya say?"
(Image from subverted nation.net)

Reading the news lately has been interesting.

The other day I read an article about Fidel Castro poking fun at President Barrack Obama.  Apparently, Castro found great amusement in Obama’s plan to wear a “guayabera” shirt at some Latin American summit.  I found this to be an amazing story on a couple of levels.

For one thing, Fidel Castro died years ago, didn’t he?  It blows my mind that dead people can come out with these statements and grab all sorts of headlines.  Though in theory, I suppose dead people making statements is actually pretty big news, since the vast majority of them say so little.  Castro was never exactly the quiet type to begin with, so I guess you’d have to expect him to still be a little bit of a loud mouth even in death.

The other astounding aspect of the story is that up till now, I thought the guayabera was only a mythical half dog, half honey badger which roamed the American Southwest and parts of Mexico killing livestock and drawing pentagrams with their blood.  Apparently one of the stories I’d seen on the cover of those gossip rags had actually been true and guayaberas really had been caught.  The thought that there are enough of these incredibly scarce critters to use to make Obama a shirt tells you how out of touch I am with both political and mythical beast news stories.

I really don't see a shirt here. You're gonna have to dry clean it, and it's not going to breathe like a woven natural fiber would. (Image from skepdic.com)

I didn’t read enough of the story to see why Barrack needed one of these animal pelt shirts, but since he’s the President, I’m sure he has a very good reason.  Considering the never-ending game of one upsmanship in Washington, it’s only a matter of time before certain high ranking members of congress start showing up in the halls of power wearing Sasquatch loafers with the little tassels on them.

It’s kind of surprising that Pam Anderson and her PETA hippy sorority haven’t shown up with water balloons filled with red paint crying about the inhumane treatment of the guayaberas and the cruelty of skinning such a rare creature for something as frivolous as a shirt for a head of state.  So many American men had fantasized about her a few decades ago, most of them are shaking their heads today in silent thanks that they don’t have to listen to her yabbering about how wrong it is to rectally electrocute cows.  Time sure gives you perspective doesn’t it, fellas?

So yeah, Castro’s corpse is talking smack about my president.  Pretty mouthy for a dead guy.  I’m considering going back and reading the rest of the story, provided I don’t get distracted by something else first.  I’ll keep you kids posted.