Bully For You!

There’s a movement afoot.  The government is trying to outlaw bullying.

There are cynics among us could argue that the United States government knows an awful lot about bullying, having perfected it as an art form over the past couple of centuries.  For the record, I’m not one of those government bashers.  Unlike scores of celebrities and pro athletes, I pay my taxes and drive within 10 mph of the speed limit.  Seriously, I’m a good citizen, there’s no reason to audit me, none…whatsoever.

As long as I’m making disclaimers, let me get this one out of the way.  There have been tragedies, recently and over the course of modern civilization, due to bullying.  Lives have been lost, and lives have been ruined.  The following bit of writing is not making a mockery of those people who have been impacted horribly by bullying.  If you’re concerned about being offended, please stop reading now, you don’t even have to click the “Like” box.

Butch from The Little Rascals. Was he a bully, or just misunderstood?
(Image from thorninpaw.com)

A quick show of hands; has anyone here been bullied?  OK, let me say this;  either quite a few of you are amputees, or you have repressed memories.  Let me help you remember;

If you have or had an older sibling, you’ve very likely been bullied.

If you have more than one older sibling, you’ll almost certainly need counseling for the bullying you suffered – please sign up on one of the clipboards in the back of the auditorium when we break for lunch and someone will get back to you.

If you played organized sports and weren’t the star of the team, you were probably bullied.

If you didn’t play organized sports, you may have been bullied by someone who did.

If you wore glasses as a child and you weren’t a bad ass, please don’t forget the clipboards in the back.

If at any point, you had bad skin, you were likely bullied.  If you never had bad skin, you’re a damn liar, and you should be in the damn liars group, they’re down the hall in 3-A.

If you spoke with a lisp, a funny accent or had braces, you were likely bullied.

If you had a pulse, grew up in America and actually had social interactions of some sort, you were likely bullied.

Obviously, we’re going to need a bigger auditorium, and more clipboards.

Scott Farkus! He was a bully AND he's a ginger with braces. Surely he's been on both sides of the bully dilemma. (Image from Jean Shepherd's "A Christmas Story" - MGM)

Let’s have a little experiment.  Open the newspaper, or for you tech savvy types, your browser, and take a look at the movers and shakers.

Oh! Here’s one!  He’s one of the most powerful, rich and influential men of our time, Mr. Bill Gates.  Let’s take a look at Mr. Gates for a moment and envision him as he may have appeared as a child.  Now, let’s ask ourselves a hypothetical question: Was he the victim of bullying at some point in his childhood?  I’m going to go ahead and speculate that perhaps he suffered a wedgie or three in his early years.  Some of the more cynical among us might even speculate that it’s possible that Windows Vista is not so much an operating system as it is a gigantic F-U to the bullies of his childhood, who had to learn how to find their email all over again.

Here’s another guy, Mr. Steven Spielberg.  He’s got Academy Awards and the adoration of all of Hollywood.  He picks up his satellite phone and even creatures from other galaxies snap to attention.  Take a good long look.  Consider his career, he’s made movies like “Jaws” and “E.T.- The Extra-Terrestrial”.  Do we think perhaps Mr. Spielberg may have been bullied just a little, many years ago?  I’ll take the lead and guess that the answer is yes as well.

How about mega-best selling author, Mr. Steven King, or Oprah Winfrey?  What about Donald Trump?  For the record, I don’t necessarily think that Mr. Trump was ever a victim of bullying, but there are quite a few readers who would enjoy the thought of him getting a “swirly” with that hair of his.

So what if many of these people were actually bullied as children?  Even if we assume they were, what if they weren’t?  Would Bill Gates have been driven to do the things he did later in life?  If he had NOT been bullied, I’d likely be writing this blog on a stone tablet with a chisel and posting it in my front yard.  Would “E.T.” have touched our hearts so deeply if Spielberg had sailed through his early years without a single titty-twister?  Would Jonas Salk have invented the polio vaccine or written Braodway musicals if he had never gotten that wet-willy in 3rd grade?

You can see where I’m going with this.  Before you nay sayers, start saying “Nay” (so obvious, why not say something else – change it up a little?), let me finish.  I realize that Adolph Hitler was probably bullied as a child, I mean, look at that hair and his choice of mustaches.  I’m sure Charles Manson and Rick Santorum were bullied as well.  I accept that maybe bullying played a part in the creation of those people too.  Maybe it didn’t.  Maybe the evil of the world and the goodness of the world is there and it’s going to come out regardless.  For the record, I’m not condoning bullying – you leave your little brother alone mister, or you can forget about any dessert or parole!

So the government is going to outlaw bullying entirely.  They’ll effectively rid our culture of potential monsters and the youth of America will be able to grow up in an environment free of the unpleasantness of bullying.  Perhaps they can do something about skinned knees and splinters too.  Also, I never scored the winning run, goal or basket during my entire tenure in youth sports – can somebody legislate the pain away for me, please?

Right off the top of my shiny, hairless head, I can think of  a couple of major flaws with the premise of the government’s anti-bullying movement.

For one thing, government leaders don’t actually give a rat’s rear end about bullying.  The entire issue of bullying was just their “hot topic” of things to pretend to care about between elections.  Odds are they’ve already moved onto the next “big issue” threatening the American dream.  My guess is that the issue will be the increased use of pesticides in hair-care products currently being manufactured in 3rd world countries by out-sourcing American corporations.  Outraged bald Senators will clamor to appear to be spear-heading the issue.  The media will find some unfortunate souls with scarred but insect-free scalps to profile in hard-hitting news stories.  The whole thing will quickly fade, shortly after haircare and pesticide lobbyists descend upon the halls of power, not unlike rich, generous locusts with great hair.

Another flawed aspect of the anti-bullying legislation which no one seems to see as a problem, is that kids are pretty much immune to grown-up law.  There’s a story in the news every week about some 7 year old killing his babysitter, or a 9 year old pimping out his 6 1/2 year old sister.  Nothing ever happens to these kids.  The courts, which admittedly can’t even consistently convict guilty adults, are powerless at dealing with kids.  So the powers that be have put the onus of stopping bullying on school administrators, coaches and parents.  These people are trying to run schools, win games and keep up with mortgage payments – and that’s just the school administrators.

Mark my words America, by this time next year, we’ll all be too busy scanning the tiny print on our styling gel ingredients looking for roach poison to notice that little Jimmy is getting a purple nurple from that Thompson kid from up the street.

Wango Tango Mr. President!

"Never before have I turned on you,
You looked too good to me,
Your beady eyes, they cut me in two,
And I just can't let you be, "
"Free-For-All" - copyright Universal Music Publishing Group
Photo from Climatelab.org

A recent article described the concern the Secret Service has with a possible threat to the man in charge.  The potential subject is identified as one Theodore “Ted” Nugent, of Detroit, Michigan.  Nugent, once known as the Motor City Madman, is a big proponent of the NRA and any Presidential candidate who is not named “Barrack”.

Apparently Mr. Nugent had some disparaging things to say about Obama.  He included an analogy about having a coyote in ones living room, urinating on the sofa.  He went on to say that it wasn’t the coyote’s fault for peeing on the sofa, but rather, the onus of blame laid squarely on the shoulders of the homeowner for not shooting the varmint.

Secret Service agents, allegedly fresh from reckless fun with sex-workers in South America, got right to work, trying diligently to figure out if Nugent was comparing the President to a coyote, its urine or a sofa.  In the meantime, several Colombian prostitutes, speaking under the condition of anonymity, have supposedly told Fox News that “coyote” is slang for poor tipper.  They went on to say, that a “coyote who pees on the sofa” is in fact a little-known deviant sex act involving dwarfs, upholstered sex toys and men wearing sunglasses and earpieces.

Nugent, meanwhile, has been uncharacteristically quiet.

Agents have decided to look at Nugent’s body of work for clues.  Though Mr. Nugent actually penned a manifesto a few years ago, Secret Service representatives have decided instead to focus their investigation on Nugent’s songs.  The following is a brief outline of some of the leads the agents are looking into:

“If You Can’t Lick ‘Em…Lick ‘Em” –  With incredible accuracy, it seems that Nugent’s choice of a title for this song may have predicted some of the alleged Secret Service shenanigans in Colombia.  His apparent powers as a psychic have given agents even more to worry about.

“Free-for-All” – Clearly this song outlines Nugent’s disapproval of a Democratic President who will be entirely too generous with the coffers of the treasury, wasting money on any number of public assistance programs and reinforcing the “something for nothing” mentality of the party.

“Stranglehold” – Security experts believe that this song may have about been Nugent’s concerns regarding a Democratic President’s imposition of Big Government on the American people – stifling free enterprise, effectively putting people’s individual liberties and basic American rights in a stranglehold.

“Cat Scratch Fever” – This song may well have forewarned Nugent’s America of the possible pussy-fication of our country with gun control, rampant political correctness and hot breakfasts for under-privileged children.

While the Secret Service will not come out and state that Nugent’s body of work is categorically a threat to the President’s well being, they continue to investigate.  Nugent’s documented discussion of decapitating Obama and members of his cabinet notwithstanding, agents appear to be keeping the main thrust of their investigation on song titles at this time.

Breaking Political News !!!

According to an article I just read, a veteran Republican senator just called President Barrack Obama “stupid” in a Twitter post.

A member of Team Obama quickly responded, comparing the Twitter writing style of  Senator Grassley to that of a 6 year old child.

I'm rubber and you're glue, what bounces off of me sticks to you! My Mom says you show people this finger when you don't like them - so here's my finger. How's that for healthcare reform, you Ka-ka face? (Image from Soulguzzler.com)

Sentor Grassley’s office reportedly countered that Obama and his staff were “Doo-Doo Heads”.

Obama’s camp was quiet for a few minutes, but there are unconfirmed reports that a burning bag of dog feces were left on the steps outside Senator Grassley’s Virginia home.

Reports of subsequent toilet papering of the trees outside the White House have yet to be substantiated by the Secret Service.

Several senior Republican’s have been working on a formal rebuttal – undisclosed sources say the rhetoric is along the lines of  “I know you are, but what am I?”.

Obama himself has been unavailable for comment, as he is at Camp David this week, reportedly building a tree fort.  Rumors of Democrats having a strategic sleep over have not been confirmed.