The French Toast Conspiracy

I’ll just gobble down this pile of fat and sugar, then get going shoveling the driveway. (Image from every day with honey cake dot blog spot dot com)

A lot of people shrug their shoulders and say it was just the way these things go.  They figure that despite the best computer models and professional judgement, sometimes things don’t go the way the pretty geniuses said they would.  I choose not to blindly accept the sketchy excuses of these so-called experts.  I look at the bigger picture and try to see what’s really going on.

After careful consideration of all the factors, I’ve come to a conclusion, and it’s a doozie.

Let me step back and set the stage for you.  I live in the greater Philadelphia area.  We’re far enough north to get snow, yet far enough south to squeal like a little Nancy-pants every time there’s any of it predicted.

Latin TV weathergirls are seldom bundled up in fleece jackets.  Too many jet streams like this one though, and it might be time to stop going commando. (Image from the nayshun dot com)

Earlier this week, that’s exactly what happened.  One after another, those oh-so-pretty weather people gestured seductively in front of their green screens, predicting snow all over the viewing area.  Gorgeous talking-heads with names like Cecily and Sheena showed wavy bands of color-coded snow-total predictions.  As far as my little corner of paradise went, all 17 local TV weather people agreed we’d be waking up to somewhere between 2 and 4 inches of the white stuff.  In case the specter of a few inches of snow wasn’t already big news, the weather spokesmodels labelled it “heart attack snow.”  These couple of inches would be so wet and heavy, there would surely be coronaries all across the region.  Shoveling would be lethal to all but highly conditioned athletes and people with really small shovels.

I’m sure readers in the midwest and upstate New York are snickering at those paultry totals, as well they should, but 2 to 4 inches in this area is big news.  As zero hour approached, otherwise rational people descended upon grocery stores as though the end-of-days was imminent.  I gazed in disbelief from the relative safety of the liquor aisle as milk, eggs and bread were snatched up by the locust-like hordes of panicked shoppers.

No Bread, no eggs, no milk. Nothing left in this store but a bin of badly wilted kale, a few gossip rags and some cans of stewed tomatoes. (Image from standeyo dot com)

When I awoke Wednesday morning I was prepared for the worst.  I’d set the alarm an hour early, giving myself enough time to shovel and eventually clutch my chest.  I could only hope my wife would see me lying in the driveway before rigor mortis set in.  I glimpsed between the blinds to see how bad it was.  There was no evidence that a single flake had fallen.  I rubbed my eyes in disbelief and looked again.  Every weed and dog turd in my yard was just as I’d seen it the day before, without so much as a crystal of frost to show for all the hype.

Out of bed and irritated by the piss-poor forecasting, it was futile to try to go back to sleep.  I went ahead and got ready for work, arriving at my job entirely too early.  All day long, the inaccuracy of the forecasts gnawed at me.  I tried calling several of the news stations to grill the weather people for answers.  Not one of them would take my calls.  A tickle of suspicion had begun in my mind by the time I’d gotten my fifth TV station rejection.

On my way home, I happened to swing by the supermarket again.  I’d decided to surprise my wife with a special dinner in celebration of my not having died of a heart attack earlier that morning.  As I strolled towards the dairy section, my heart sank as I recalled the swarm of shoppers there just a day before.  I wracked my mind trying to figure out how I’d make my beloved wife a fritatta without using any eggs.  I turned the corner and saw the shelves of eggs and milk were miraculously replenished.  I later noticed that the bread section was similarly restocked.

While checking out, I saw the manager through the open door of his office.  He was sitting with his feet up on his desk and talking happily.  His head was thrown back as he laughed and flirted with the caller.  I swore I heard him say “Oh Cecily!”.   Suddenly he became aware of my inquisitive gaze.  His face clouded as he swung his feet down and slammed the door.  The pieces were coming together as the gears and chains in my mind churned like a rusty snow blower.

The answer was just beyond my grasp.  Deep in thought, I pocketed my change and headed toward my car, almost running right into an employee pushing a cart loaded with boxes.  I apologized for the near collision and kept walking past the empty spot where the snow shovel and rock salt display had been just a day before.  In the cold air of the parking lot, I suddenly realized that the boxes on the cart weren’t just random stock.  The same smiling face mocked me from the cardboard front of each box.  Even without the doo-rag, there was no disputing that it was none other than Aunt Jemima!

I’d recognize you anywhere, you sweet vixen of maple goodness! (Image from under consideration dot com)

The bread..the eggs…the milk…the syrup…I stood next to my car and it all finally made sense.  Of course!  I’d stumbled onto the French Toast Conspiracy.  In this clandestine operation, a powerful, intricate network of grocery magnates and meteorologists formed a deviously symbiotic relationship.  Unscrupulous media moguls used imaginary storms to build ratings on slow winter news days.  In so doing, they create a frenzy among the unwashed masses, who scramble to their local stores and eagerly buy the ingredients for French Toast.  The scary weather predictions are only interupted for commercials for grocery stores and SUV’s.  The grocers are thrilled to have unloaded the majority of their perishable dairy products.  The news media use their increased advertising profits and buy spiffy embroidered fleece jackets for taping remotes on the brisk fall days heading into next winter.

I had to get this story out, but how?  The mainstream news media couldn’t be trusted.  John Stossel was busy checking to see if “Made in America” really meant anything anymore.  Andy Rooney and Mike Wallace were both still dead.  I knew my only chance to get the facts out was right here, on this seemingly innocuous blog.  You readers have the truth now.  Get out there and spread the word!

Addendum:    I finally got a call back from one of those TV weather people.  She heard about my story and wants to interview me.  She’s requesting that I come alone to a remote corner of Fairmount Park in Philadelphia.  I know this sounds a little shady, and I should be suspicious, but when I heard the voice of that lovely weathergirl on the phone, how could I not believe her?  I hope she doesn’t wear that embroidered fleecy thing, it really hides her stunning figure.

Snow White, Some Dwarfs and A Million Pieces of Coal

It’s clear that Hollywood is pretty well tapped-out when it comes to new ideas.  Heaven forbid they consider coming to WordPress and looking for some fresh writing talent.  Instead, they’ve rehashed a fairy tale and added a generous batch of special effects to spice it up.   I know my loyal readers will point out that I recently did the same thing with the Three Little Pigs in my erotic opus, Forty Seven Shades of Pink.  In my defense, no one is paying me buckets of cash to write anything, original or otherwise, and I didn’t actually use any special effects except the pigs being able to dress themselves in lingerie.  Let’s face it, they could already talk and build houses so that’s not exactly a quantum leap in believability.

It’s all in the wrist: you swing your broadsword thusly and…Boom! Nothing but a pile of coal where the knight used to be. (Image from Hotnerdgirl.wordpress.com)

I don’t have too many clear memories of my early childhood, largely because it was a long damn time ago.  I’m told that my parents and grand parents read me fairy tales from time to time.  Though my memory is admittedly a tad vague until early puberty,  I’m pretty sure I would have recalled the part in Snow White wherein evil doers are sliced in half with swords and immediately turn into a million chunks of digital coal.  I certainly would not have forgotten a witch who looks like Charlize Theron, spins in the woods and turns into a swirling flock of ravens like some bad-trip, M.C. Escher print.

In the spirit of full disclosure, I haven’t actually seen the new Snow White movie, and I likely won’t.  I’ve seen the trailer a couple of times, and that’s more than enough for me.  The special effects certainly looked dazzling enough, but to be honest, when you’ve seen one evil henchman reduced to a scattered pile of black rocks, you’ve pretty much seen them all.

Fairest of them all?! I mean it’s really, really close! Hottest of them all? Well, yeah, it’s still realllllly close. Do I have to choose? Maybe we could get that guy out of the picture so I could focus?  Thanks, dude…why don’t you take 5 and go grab a coffee or a danish, I got this.  (Image from justjared.com)

Compared to most fairy tales, the traditional storyline of Snow White is not particularly reliant upon special effects.  There’s an evil witch with competition issues and a talking mirror.  The mirror tells her about a more beautiful woman, named Snow White (we’ll save the speculation about Hitler youth ideals for some other blog).  The wicked witch can’t deal with being the second fairest of them all.  She fails in putting a hit out on Snow White who escapes into the woods, eventually shacking up with seven miners who happen to be dwarfs.  The queen hunts her down and slips her a poison apple which puts Snow White in a coma.  Aside from the talking mirror, there’s absolutely no reason for special effects in the story.  I’m pretty sure I’ve seen  talking mirrors on sale at Bed, Bath and Beyond, in case you’re interested in getting one of your own.  Bear in mind, those sassy bitches are on the clearance rack for a reason.

The new movie, if the title is accurate, focuses more on the early part of the story and the huntsman’s role as failed hit-man.  Certainly there is room for the character to deal with the turmoil of his task.  Again, no real reason for additional special effects, unless the film makers decided to go with the miniature angel-huntsman on one shoulder and the little devil-huntsman on the other, but I didn’t see that in the trailer.  A quick consult with some blog writers and we might have had the angel-devil on the shoulders scene, but nooo, those big wheels out in Hollywood couldn’t be bothered.

See? We could put these on the Huntsman’s shoulders, or on the Queen’s. As long as these she-devils/angels aren’t fairer than Charlize. These two might not be tied for 4th, but they could make the top ten, depending upon the kingdom. (Image from reviews.partycity.com)

Obviously, Snow White as a story doesn’t really need special effects, gratuitous or not.  Another part of the problem is the special effects themselves.  With the advent of computer generated imagery, the wonder of special effects is no longer wondrous.  Once upon a time, movie-goers would speculate for days about “how’d they do that?”, scanning the edge of the screen for tell-tale silouettes of wire or looking for the zipper on the back of the Godzilla suit.  Today, we don’t even bother wondering how the magic happens.

I know how to use my computer like a typewriter to write these dopey blogs and to look at porn research online.  There are hundreds of thousands of twelve year olds people who can do so much more with a computer than me.  They can do things like make Spiderman swing from buildings or create dog-beasts from thin air to chase the last few Hunger Games contestants to the final fight scene.  Hell, computer experts can even see about getting me an upgrade on my airline tickets (though they can’t consistently get me an emergency exit row or bulkhead seat).  I would love to say how much I appreciate their facility with the keyboard and mousepad, but as long as Spidey doesn’t break up and freeze into a pixilated mess of red and blue, midswing, I don’t even notice their work.

Sorry Hollywood, adding a bunch of eye candy and razzle dazzle is no way to fool us into thinking we didn’t already know this story line since we were 4 years old.  Now when “Jack and Jill, Terror Hill” comes out, I may have to change my stance and go see it.  Rumor has it the scene where Jack breaks his crown is incredibly gruesome, plus we finally get to find out what a crown is.