First of all, you’re welcome. I had to do my monthly duty over at the Nudge Wink Report, so I thought I’d summarize the latest goings on of a few popular TV shows instead of coming up with some sort of intelligent topic to write about. Don’t worry about spoilers though, as I’m actually a week or so behind. If you’re further behind than that, you need to buck up and take your TV viewing a little more seriously and stop wasting time with more meaningful pursuits, like earning a living, raising children or volunteering at the local ebola clinic. Since I know that many of you are visual learners, here’s a photo for you:
Feel free to thank me later. You can click on the Nudge Wink link above, or here to jump over there and see my incredibly shallow summary of a few popular shows, which you may or may not watch.
The receptionist is out on maternity leave and the secretary is busy doing important work, like running the place and getting my car detailed. I’ve been assigned the arduous task of handling the memos. Today’s memos cover reality TV shows.
To: Network programming people
Message:Re-running the same episode but with the Tweeted comments of idiots inserted into the corner of the picture does not constitute new entertainment. You may fool my DVR with this ploy, but I see right through it. If I wanted the opinions of dolts added to my viewing experience, I’d watch TV down at the corner bar. For the record, @pornstarrentacar Tweets “#1ptperspective I agree, man. U blog truth! – this episode sux as bad as 1st time – even Twitter cant help it”
To: TV Creative Consultants
Message: We’ve seen a married couple survive the wilderness, we’ve seen a barefoot hippy dude paired with a military-type guy survive the wilderness, we’ve seen a British guy who allegedly spent his nights out of the wilderness off-camera in luxury hotels survive the wilderness, we’ve seen a guy with nothing but a couple of cameras and a harmonica survive the wilderness, and most recently we’ve seen pairs of naked strangers survive the wilderness. How about making a show about people who don’t survive the wilderness?
To: TV Location Scouts
Message: Alaska is an enormous state, but it’s relatively sparsely populated. We’ve now got shows which include nearly every segment of its population, including state troopers, crab fishermen, gold miners, ice-road truck drivers, dredge gold miners, lumberjacks, vice presidential candidates, mountain men and homesteaders. By my reckoning, the only remaining segments of the population who don’t have their own shows are convenience store clerks and salmon cannery workers. Please begin taping the shows about these last two groups as soon as possible, so we can move on to another state. FYI, I hear Delaware is beautiful at this time of the year and to the best of my knowledge, no one has done a show about chicken farmers yet.
No one, including me, likes to hear an excuse. I’m fairly sure that reading them isn’t much more enjoyable. Yet, here I sit, poised to write a post which is absolutely littered with them.
After a string of several weeks putting up 4 or 5 posts, I’ve fallen off the radar.
In truth, it’s not for lack of effort. I’ve actually got a few things in the works, but none of them are quite ready yet. The last thing anyone out there needs is an under-cooked blog. They don’t digest well and will leave you readers with a funny taste in your mouths – bad funny, like getting hit in the privates, not good funny, like someone else getting hit in the privates.
Here are a few of the excuses I’ve been kicking around, followed by the reasons they suck:
Excuse #1 – I’ve been really busy with work.
This excuse sucks because:Everyone gets busy at work, or worse yet, some readers may be among the scores of unemployed or under-employed and resent the hell out of me for having a job (actually, I have 3 jobs, but bringing that up won’t likely endear me to the unemployed)
Excuse #2 – I’ve been saddled with family obligations.
This excuse sucks because:Everyone gets saddled with family obligations. Feeling put-upon by the responsibilities of family life is one of the main reasons many of us write in the first place! Writers in dry spells will envy my having family issues and obligations. To be honest, my big family obligation was driving my daughter to Pittsburgh to help her move from one college dwelling to another. That’s not exactly like having a painful, dramatic intervention to get Aunt Tilly off the booze and pills. Sorry Aunt Tilly, but making light of your addictions was for your own good (and it filled a void in my post)
Excuse #3 – I had to drive to Pittsburgh and back.
This excuse sucks because: Pittsburgh is a happening city filled with a delicious mix of culture and kitsch. Driving there and back actually got me out of New Jersey for 3 days. By the way, if you ever want to kill your liver and gain 10 pounds all in one weekend, let me know, I have some Pittsburgh attractions you won’t want to miss.
Excuse #4 – I was busy begging people to vote for me to win the “Gluttony” chapter of k8edid’s 7 Deadly Sins Challenge
This excuse sucks because:Even though I was busy begging, and I actually succeeded at winning, I now have 6 more deadly sins to write about and I have to make a good showing or I’ll look like a one-post wonder. (By the way – Thanks for voting everybody, I’ll try not to let you down)
Excuse #5 – I was busy watching the NCAA men’s lacrosse playoffs.
This excuse sucks because:It’s not entirely true. While Pittsburgh has no shortage of trendy bars and restaurants, I couldn’t find any bartenders who wanted to change the channel from tractor pulls or the replay of the Penguins most recent Stanley Cup Championship. Though its popularity is growing by leaps and bounds across all demographics, many people still consider lacrosse the bastion of affluent, snotty rich kids. With that in mind, maybe you’d enjoy watching the guy who will eventually receive a 7 figure bonus for moving your job to Sri Lanka get cross checked into the turf.
Excuse #6 – I was expending all my creative efforts writing my rant for the people in my Survivor pool at work.
This excuse sucks because:Writing this blog is the excuse I gave to my work friends for doing such a lackluster job on the Survivor rant! Let’s be honest, this season pretty much went down the toilet once Colton had to quit with menstrual cramps.
Excuse #7 – The sun was in my eyes.
This excuse sucks because: Everyone knows I do the bulk of my blogging under cover of darkness.
Excuse #8 – I’m a perfectionist – you just can’t rush true art.
This excuse sucks because:Have you read my blogs? Perfectionist? Seriously?!
I just looked at my site stats and saw some remarkable stuff. One interesting thing was that over the month that I’ve been writing, I’ve had one hit each in Indonesia, Malaysia and Romania, two from the UK, three from the Philippines and seven in Egypt. The vast majority of my hits came from the US and Canada. For the record, Canada is nice to have since it takes up a really big part of the map and makes my postings look much more impressive.
It’s clear to me that I’ve pretty much milked North America dry. I’ll really need to bring up my Eastern European and Pacific Rim numbers if I want to get anywhere. If I can build on my already stellar Middle Eastern demographics I’ll be in good shape. This all reminds me about how badly I sucked at playing the board game “Risk” back in my childhood. Maybe it would help my global blog strategy if I finally learned where Kamchatka is.
My first instinct to improve the international hits was a typical rookie mistake; I assumed that I needed my posts to include topics which would cater to people in the regions I was targeting for growth. I’d need stories featuring Buddhism, gypsies and prepubescent Olympic gymnasts. After careful consideration and a quick inventory about how little I actually know about those places and topics, I decided on a different direction as my best strategy. People in those countries don’t want to read about the places where they already are, they want to read about my country and my exciting exploits, told in my witty American style.
If I want to boost my numbers in Indonesia, I’ll need to come across as even more American than I already am. I’ll need to work on fitting in references to hamburgers and monster truck races in my piece about my visit to the Philadelphia Flower Show.
One way to get more Romanians to tune in could be to drop little hints as to who won Survivor 3 years ago so they can know in advance when it airs there. Maybe I can tell a little white lie about the winner of the final challenge doing so by using a monster truck to smash his competition.