Please Read This Blog In A Responsible Manner

I found this on the side of a tequila bottle. Sadly, it was nearly empty by the time I could focus my eyes to read it.

I saw a news story the other day regarding some legal maneuvering over a nasty accident in New Jersey.  Someone had driven into someone else while texting and hurt them badly.  Certainly this type of foolishness is happening with increased frequency and is not to be tolerated.  Common sense and civility dictates that someone who is operating a motor vehicle should not be reading or typing while doing so.  It’s a well known fact that a large percentage of people can’t even drive safely while doing nothing else whatsoever.

What struck me about the news story was not that the driver was at fault – that was fairly clear.  The amazing part was that the lawyers for the prosecution were trying to spread the liability to the person with whom the driver was exchanging the texts!

As it happened, the court decided that the person at the other end of the texting chat was not liable for injuries.  Once in a while, the legal system proves itself not to be totally insane, but the damage in my mind was already done.

I started thinking about my writing.  I recently reached a modest milestone in blog hits and my mind couldn’t help but drift into the dark place of “what if’s”.  While my blog has supplied me with a creative outlet, I don’t think it’s worth losing my house over.  For the sake of the legal covering-of-my-ass, please observe the following guidelines while reading my posts:

  • Do not operate heavy machinery while reading.  This includes, but is not limited to: jumbo jets, dump trucks, jet boats, nuclear power plants and cruise ships.
  • Do not operate light machinery while reading. This includes, but is not limited to: snow blowers, weed whackers, Mini Coopers, butane lighters and electric pencil sharpeners.
  • Do not make important life decisions based on anything I’ve written.
  • In the event of a water landing, do not attempt to use my blog posts as floatation devices.  Though they are often light in character, the blogs do not float.
  • Do not try to amuse others by attempting to re-tell one of my hilarious blogs, my wit is sharp and if mishandled, may result in nasty puncture wounds.  Give them the link and let them read it themselves.
  • In the event that laughter lasts more than four hours, seek medical attention.
  • Do not incinerate – high heat may cause blogs to explode.
  • If reading my blogs on a smart phone, do not attempt to walk, drive or pretend to be paying attention at an office meeting.
  • If reading my blogs in bed, please do not attempt to use your sex swing at the same time, and refrain from smoking until after the blog is completed.
  • Do not pass on the right or drive on the shoulder under any circumstances, irrespective of whether you read my blog or not – it just pisses me off.
  • It is permissible to drink alcohol while reading my blog, as it tends to improve the humor, but let’s try to be a little more mature and skip the keg stands and jello shots.
  • Reading blogs while bungee jumping has caused seizures in laboratory animals
  • Keep hands and feet away from moving blog parts – seriously, are you that stupid?

No animals were harmed in the writing of this blog

The author is in no way responsible for the time you’ve wasted reading this drivel – he bears no blame for the important things you failed to accomplish by choosing to sit on your fat ass reading when there were other, more significant things to do.

Anything you say can, and will be used against you in a court of law, but please leave me and my little blog out of it.

Act III, Final Scene

She glanced around the room, looking at her feet and then the framed prints on the wall.  She felt like she’d never really seen the images before, despite so many years in the house.  She avoided his face, knowing how deep the pain was she would see in his eyes.

She tried to make small talk, about the yard, the weather.  She knew she sounded like an idiot, but couldn’t stand the silence.

After an eternity, he finally spoke.

“Look,”  he said, “I’m exhausted.  Shut the door behind you”

Glad for the excuse to leave, but terrified she’d never be back, she twisted the cold brass knob.