Freed Spirit Center For Blog Cleansing

A week or so ago, Prawn and Quartered took a brief respite from her “A-Team as a metaphor for life” campaign and described blogging as something of a substitute for formal psychotherapy.  I realize that she is not likely the first person to suggest that there are other sources for therapy beyond laying on a sofa and telling some guy all of your fears while he tries to stay awake.  In fact, I’m almost positive I’ve seen a motivational poster on Facebook espousing a much less expensive form of therapy involving the use of bubble wrap.

The thought stuck in my head (apparently there are a few sharp corners inside my skull and all sorts of crap gets snagged there).  I don’t quite see blogging as a substitute for psychotherapy, not that I’ve ever experienced formal therapy myself.

My personal brand of therapy tends to involve me talking to someone (anyone – who are we kidding here?) while looking at the swirling forms in the bottom of my tumbler of scotch.  As in the realm of professional therapy, the biggest challenge is for the listener to stay awake.

The ice cubes are like my emotions, swimming in a sea of The Macallan. They’re connected to one another, but separate. As time passes, they melt and merge into the scotch, which is like the outside world, only tastier. My uncle never really understood me. (Image courtesy of the author’s kitchen counter and smart phone camera)

For some subliminal reason, I couldn’t stop thinking of blogging as a different type of therapy.

In my opinion, blogging seems especially well suited to take the place of colonic therapy.  Not that I’ve ever had colonic therapy either, but you need to give me a little creative license here.  As long as we’re splitting hairs, I’m not sure putting a garden hose where the sun don’t shine necessarily makes the practitioner a “therapist” either.  Forgive me for putting you readers in such a shitty role in this process, but I keep day-dreaming about it.

In my mind, I travel to California, home of any- and all-flaky ways to cleanse ones mind and body of the toxins of the world.  My trip takes me, via an aged Subaru Outback which now runs on used vegetable oil, to a nondescript town in the northern part of the state.  My stomach tightens briefly when I see the sign, written in hippy-dippy, Grateful Dead script for the Freed Spirit Center for Blog Cleansing, High Colonics and Organic Deli .  We turn off the main drag and soon our ride, smelling of falafel, is bumping along the ruts of a gravel road, winding through the countryside.

The building comes into view, looking reminiscent of a house I once saw in a documentary on the Manson family.  There is a dusty VW bus out front and some well-worn mountain bikes.  A couple of scruffy dogs look up briefly from the porch, but dismiss us when it is apparent that we have no tennis balls.

A woman glides from the front door to greet us.  The dogs don’t pay any attention to her either.  She wears a gauzy pile of pastel colored fabric which may have once served as mosquito netting before being tie-dyed and cut into more manageable sizes.  Her feet are clad in some sort of sandals which make Birkenstocks look like Italian pumps.  Despite looking like what would pass for “eccentric homeless” in just about any other corner of the country, she glows with a healthy vigor which makes me feel even more middle aged and suburban than before.   A little voice cries out in my head, telling me there is not likely any scotch in this place.  I briefly chastise myself for not stashing a few airline bottles of some single malt in my luggage.

She introduces herself.  Her name is Lisa and she’s the blog cleansing coordinator and spirit guide.  I’m amazed by her name, as I was fully expecting something more along the lines of “Summer Meadow” or “Goddess Queef”.  She takes my bag and dismisses the driver as we head into the house.  I cast a quick glance over my shoulder and suppress the impulse to chase after the lumbering Subaru.

No papa-san chairs? Where the hell is Patty Hearst supposed to sit when she visits? (Image from apartmenttherapy.com)

The place is remarkably spare of decor, looking almost institutional in its lack of artwork and papa-san chairs.  To my surprise, there is no trace of incense, just the faint fragrance of Lisa’s patchouli.  As we move through the main hall, I catch a glimpse into a room with a couple of padded tables with hoses and various jugs and funnels lining the shelves on the walls.  I recite a silent prayer that it’s a colonic room and not part of the organic deli.

We move deeper into the house, passing closed doors until Lisa finally pushes one open.  Inside the tiny room is a computer on a desk, with a rather hi-tech, cool looking office chair.  The room is devoid of windows or even a light, other than the blue glow of the computer screen.  As my eyes get used to the gloom, I can make out a bare mattress on the floor and a commode in the opposite corner.

“Try the chair, ” Lisa says.

I sit in it and am amazed at how comfortable it is.  I swivel it to the computer.  Once the chair is facing the screen, the rotation stops and the chair locks there.  I hear Lisa over my shoulder, her voice has lost some of its health food co-op softness.

“You need to start the purging process,” she says, “Start typing, and don’t stop to worry about quality or topic.  Bare your soul and don’t concern yourself with what people will think when they read it.”  She continued, ” Don’t waste time commenting on the state of the world or kids today with their wacky iPods and gizmos – Andy Rooney is gone and need not be replaced.”

Didja ever notice how hungry you get for a middle eastern sandwich treat after certain kinds of cars go past you? Why hasn’t it crossed my mind how well a nice single malt would go with one of those sandwiches? (Photo by gossip.whyfame.com)

I try to glance up at her, but her hand gently but firmly turns my face back toward the computer.  I place my hands on the keyboard and tentatively type a few words about myself.  I keep it fairly light, describing the year and place of my birth, as I’m self conscious about Lisa looking over my shoulder.  I stop typing for a moment and cautiously turn my head to face her, but she’s gone.

Suddenly, her voice coos in my ear from speakers in the headrest of the chair.  “David,” she says, “you must write much more than that and don’t think this standard demographic stuff is going to effectively work as purging.  You will be able to use the commode once an hour and the mattress is available for you to sleep briefly every 30 pages.”

I smirk to myself and start reading between the lines to figure out how to satisfy the requirements without actually doing the work.  I’m starting to feel creative and energized at the idea of putting one over on these “therapists” when Lisa’s voice comes back into my ear.

“Don’t bother trying to make stuff up either, we’ve read your blog about art school psychology and we’re well aware of your penchant for creating wildly exaggerated scenes from your childhood.  By the way, ” she continued as a chill passed through me, “I just finished going through your bag and I’m surprised you didn’t pack yourself any scotch.  Not that it would have mattered, alcohol is strictly prohibited at the Freed Spirit Center”

I turn back to the computer, shaken to the core.  I start typing, slowly at first, about my childhood, my eczema, my shyness, my tendency to cry too easily as a child and too slowly as an adult.  The words pour out of me with greater ease and soon the first 30 pages are done.  I don’t even glance at the bed, as my pages cover the awkward teenage years, the awkward college years and the awkward years of my 20’s and 30’s.  Sweat trickles down my temples as the words spill out through my fingers.  The dams of my subconscious are a distant memory now as my thoughts and feelings can’t be stopped from rushing out of me onto the glowing screen.

I speed through my life, all the way up to resenting Lisa’s laundry basket attire and and my lack of foresight in the scotch department.  I describe my distaste for cars which smell like fried food instead of exhaust.  Finally, after outlining my thoughts and fears for my ever-shortening future and doubts about life after death, I stagger from the computer and collapse on the mattress.  Even with my eyes closed, I can still see the words of my massive blog-purge dancing around in my brain.  The lack of windows has left me disoriented, my internal time clock has lost its main spring.

When Lisa opens the door, I flinch and cover my eyes from the painful glare of the mid day sun.  She informs me that two days have passed since she last saw me in person.  I don’t doubt that she’s been looking at me through some sort of spy cam throughout the process.

She strolls over to the computer as my eyes continue to get used to the daylight.

“I’m glad you embraced the blog-purging dynamic”, she says, “You’re not the first one to come here and resist the truth and effort required to truly rid yourself of toxins via blogging ” she said, looking at me with something bordering on compassion.

“How do you feel, now that it’s over?” she asks.

I think about it for a moment.  I’ve been so busy typing, that I’ve lost touch with my feelings for the here and now.  After a moment of consideration I tell her.  “I feel empty” I say, surprised by the croaking sound of my own voice.

“That’s fairly common” says Lisa.  “We have a nice vegan meal prepped for you out in the deli.  Before you eat, you can take a shower.  Earth Sun will back with the Subaru in a couple of hours to take you back to the airport”

With that, she turns and faces the computer.  Before I can utter a sound, she deftly deletes every word I’ve written.  She turns to me and sees the look of shock on my face.

“We may look like counter-culture oddballs to you, David” she says,  “but we still flush when we’re done.”

The Bitter Truth

My fingers were crossed. Psych! Those aren't even my fingers, it's clip art from bigstockphoto!

Yesterday, I posted my humble Versatile Blogger Award acceptance speech and fulfilled all the requirements for winners, including listing 7 little known facts about myself.

Being something of a prankster and pathological liar, I couldn’t help but sprinkle a few stinking lies in the seven facts about myself.  I requested that readers of the post give their opinions as to which ones they thought were true and which were not.

As of this moment, there have been 41 views of that piece and exactly three people have made guesses.  To be fair, I asked that anyone who actually knows me in the real world restrain from blurting out the answers, lest I brand them as “tools”.  I find it a little difficult to believe that of those 41 readers, only three of them don’t know me in the real world.  For one thing, I’m fairly confident that I don’t actually know 38 people who read all that much.

This is only the second or third time I’ve asked for audience participation in a post.  The previous efforts were also met with the similar soundtrack of a solitary cricket chirping in an empty auditorium.  When you’ve had several consecutive days with higher than usual number of hits on your blog as I have, it’s easy to get carried away and think that people are reading your stuff and getting you.  Maybe they are getting me, but are so awestruck by the brilliance of my sarcasm that they dare not attempt a public exchange of ideas with me for fear of looking less than intelligent.  I know when I comment on posts, I give careful consideration to my chosen words for just that reason.  Sadly, on my award post, the response requested was basically true/false – so we can eliminate fear of ridicule as an option.

In fairness to those few brave, loyal readers who went to the trouble of guessing, here are the answers.  Thanks to all three of you for participating.

1.  I was born in Vienna, AustriaFalse – I was in fact, born in the town which is the home of Northern Illinois University on a bitter cold January morning many decades ago.  I’m sure I stumped a few people on this one, as my sparkling command of the English language is more consistent with those who hail from other parts of the world.

2.  I am a physical therapist who works with special needs kidsTrue – Satirical leanings and a rapier-like-wit are actually assets in my career.  For the record, I also work with adults in other settings.  Just to clarify, I would never ridicule one of my patients, but the rest of you dolts are fair game.

3.  I have a fondness for dessert winesFalse – Very false.  I am no stranger to spirits of all sorts, but I’d prefer a strong, hoppy India Pale Ale, any number of tequila’s, boutique bourbons, or single malt scotch over some nasty, sweet dessert wine.  You can save that swill for someone who eats dessert.  This one should’ve been easy, as I have never been seen wearing an ascot – ergo – no dessert wines for me.

4.  My son is a jet-setting professional poker playerTrue – He’s abroad as I type this, flying hither and yon to play in tournaments and make more money than his old man.  If you sit at a Texas Hold Em table with him, don’t come crying to me later looking for cab fare and your retirement savings back.

5.  My younger brother met Kurt VonnegutTrue – Worst of all, I don’t think he’s a fraction of the fan that I am.  He actually meets all kinds of famous people all the time anyway, so I don’t think it meant much to him even if he was a fan.  I’d ask him, but his mellow attitude about it would just infuriate me.

6.  I see my mother on TVTrue – Mom is an actress and she shows up on my TV from time to time.  She hasn’t been acting too much lately, as she and Dad are bogged down with blog reading assignments.  As you may have read in an early post of mine, she and my father have a history of squandering her residual checks on cruises and dog-sweaters.

7.  My basement is filled with survival gear and back issues of Guns and AmmoFalse – While I’ve written, and will write again very soon about the Nat Geo series “Doomsday Preppers”, I am not a survival expert (Not yet, but that show is getting to me…stay tuned).

Those are the 7 little known or false facts.  In the fun spirit of lies, here are a few bonus lies:

8. I’m a massive fan of operaFalse – If I wanted to see some fat lady sing in a foreign language, I’d take public transportation in Philly.

9. Yardwork is a passion of mineFalse – Paying non-English speaking gentlemen to do yard work on my behalf is a passion of mine.

10. I’m a pet loverFalse – My gimpy dog left me a prize this morning which, due to a slight slope in the floor, extended the entire length of the hall.  I am convinced that this accident was no accident at all.

11. I prefer movies about space travelFalse – In fact I avoid movies with the word “Star” in the title.  I don’t know an Ewok from a Tribble, and I’m fine with that.

12. I love writing listsFalse – Good opportunity to wrap up this drivel.