Facebook Decoder Ring

I click on Facebook more often than I should. I admit to having a burning desire to know what that girl from my 5th-grade Earth Science class is up to now that she’s in her mid-50’s.  From what I understand, she’s unhappily divorced and living with her elderly parents and a three-legged cat named Squiggy. For the detail seekers amongst you, Squiggy was diagnosed with a rare feline circulatory disorder just over a year ago. Despite the prayers and smiley-face emoticons sent his way, Squiggy lost the wheel anyway.  For his part, he doesn’t appear to miss the leg too much, though it’s hard to tell from the pictures.

Squiggy lays on the floor in the most hazardous spots.  It's only a matter of time before he's going to get tangled up in Dad's walker.  (Image from echeng dot com)
Squiggy lays on the floor in the most hazardous spots. It’s only a matter of time before he’s going to get tangled up in Dad’s walker. (Image from echeng dot com)

That’s the thing with Facebook – you can’t always tell what’s really going on.  There are posts and photos galore, but sometimes it’s hard not to imagine that there’s more to the stories.  With this in mind, I’m developing something called the Social Network Objective Reinterpretation Tool, or SNORT.  When completed, this tool will be able to take a standard Facebook post and reinterpret it to give the reader the  poster’s actual message.  The results look promising so far, but I’ve still got a few bugs to work out.

Here are a couple of quick SNORT interpretations.

Original Post:  “I’m going to miss my son/daughter when I drop them off at college for the first time next week.”

SNORT version:  “That’s right bitches, my kid is going to college!  You whispered behind my back that he looked “a little slow” at that birthday party back when he was turning 6, even though I had already explained that it was because he was taking allergy medicine.  I knew you didn’t believe me.”

Maybe he'll make the dean's list, or maybe he'll find a market for those allergy meds.  (Image from quickmeme dot com)
Maybe he’ll make the dean’s list, or maybe he’ll find a hot market for those allergy meds. (Image from quickmeme dot com)

Original Post:  “Congratulations to my daughter Savannah and the rest of the Pikesville 8-and-under swim team on another great season!  Go Pikers!!!”

SNORT version:  “Savannah can swim, just not fast enough to get a medal.  I hope this post soothes the sore feelings about my forgetting to bring brownies to the Tri-County qualifier meet.”

Original Post: (Inspirational Poster).

SNORT version: “I’m feeling like this quote from some guy I’ve never heard of is right along the lines of how I’m feeling today, but there’s a strong possibility that I posted it because I like pictures of unicorns and rainbows.”

Why ruin this illustration with an attempt at a witty caption?  (Image from demotivational posters dot com)
Why ruin this illustration with an attempt at a witty caption? (Image from demotivational posters dot com)

Original Post:  “If you’re against child molestation, you’ll repost this.”

SNORT version:  “If you were a child molester, posting something like this would be a good way to make people think that you weren’t.”

Original Post: “This is a test…this will determine my future on FB
Don’t often do this but….It occurs to me that for each and every one of you on my friends list, I catch myself looking at your pictures, sharing jokes and news, as well as support during good and bad times….[blah blah blah blah for a ton more words, then ends with the following:]… So, if you read this, leave one word on how we met. Only one word, then copy this to your wall so I can leave a word for you.”

SNORT version:  “A clever vehicle constructed to help people with failing memories remember how they ever came to  know their “friends” on Facebook in the first place.  Sadly, the use of a one word clue for the real-world connection is often insufficient to give the original poster enough information to actually recall meeting the friend.  For instance, ‘church‘ is nowhere near as descriptive as ‘we used to go sniff glue together out behind the church’.”

Original Post:  “Joe Blow is listening to Nickleback on @Okeydokey Internet Radio – you should too!”

SNORT version:  “Joe Blow’s taste in music is nearly as horrific as his taste in TV reality shows.  If you join him, all your friends will see what hideous taste you have.”

Several major college football teams have changed the names of the positions in their defenses due to no one wanting to play "Nickleback".  (Image from nashvillescene dot com)
Several major college football teams have changed the names of the positions in their defenses due to no one wanting to play “Nickleback”.(Image from nashvillescene dot com)

Original Post:  “Joe Blow is watching the “Say Yes to the Dress” marathon on TLC.”

SNORT version: “Joe Blow’s taste in reality TV is even worse than we had originally thought.   If you want to watch this crap, it’s your business, but letting everyone on Facebook know about it is just a bad idea.”

Original Post: (Biblical quotes, requests for prayers and/or offerings of blessings)

SNORT version: “I may not attend services with any regularity or behave in a very pious manner, but I’m hoping Jesus is on Facebook.  If he is, I’ll try to friend Him .”

I saw what you wrote on Facebook - you're allowed into heaven now. (Image from popejokes dot com)
I saw what you wrote on Facebook – you’re allowed into heaven now. (Image from popejokes dot com)

Original Post: “Hey everybody, click this link to see my latest blog post.”

SNORT version:  “Thanks to this blog, I can tell people that I’m a struggling writer and not a middle-aged loser.”

Obviously interpretations like that last one are examples of the kinks in the program which still need to be ironed out.  I’m thinking once I get this working well, I can create an app with it and sell millions of them.  Once I’m rolling in the bucks, I’ll quit my dead-end job and maybe get myself a Trans-Am and some hair-plugs.

I’ll Have a Venti Mocha Latte Where The Sun Don’t Shine

The upcoming season of TLC’s “My Strange Addiction” will be featuring a husband and wife who are addicted to coffee enemas.   The couple each average four of the 32 ounce enemas every day.  Personally, I limit my daily coffee intake to one 20 ounce cup, and to date, I have never poured it up my butt, not even by accident.

That TLC show just RUINED my favorite coffee mug for me!  Thanks, you A-Holes! (Image from like cool dot com)
That TLC show just RUINED my favorite coffee mug for me! Thanks, you A-Holes! (Image from like cool dot com)

To answer your logical question as to whether Mr. and Mrs. Coffee are located in Florida or California, it’s Florida.  If these Arabica-enema junkies strike you as especially odd, the show will also be profiling a woman who enjoys eating her cat’s hair.  While the micro-fiber sofa usually has a good snack-sized supply of Mr. Whiskers’ sheddings, she prefers licking it directly off of his disgusting pelt.  In the event that this lady ever teams up with the one from “Hoarders” who has 37 cats, they might form a sort of Jack Sprat-style alliance.

Mr. Whiskers (Not his real name)  (Image from free fresh wallpapers dot com)
Mr. Whiskers – not his real name – requested anonymity as he was concerned about Morris and Tony the Tiger finding out.  He was so upset about the show airing that he dropped a deuce in the potted palm out in the foyer.  (Image from free fresh wallpapers dot com – black eye bar courtesy of the author’s mad Microsoft paint skills)

The coffee enema woman declined to give her last name but had no problem showing the cameras her face and discrete self-applications of back-door caffeine.  She reported killing time during enemas by doing sudoko puzzles and catching up on Tweets.  Inquiring minds need to know if she is only reading the Tweets or if she’s espresso-ing herself.

As both a huge fan of coffee and a world-class avoider of enemas, I’m troubled by the java smuggler story.  I’m more than a little concerned that my personal love of a good cup of joe might now be misinterpreted by others.  A case in point; I was just over at the local doughnut joint asking the man in the turban for a caramel latte and an extra large black coffee to go.  He made a face which may have been due to my limited mastery of the Hindi-Urdu dialect, or it could have been something else.  Was it possible that he’d presumed I had some dark purpose in mind for these two hot beverages?  I left the store, making a show out of taking a big sip out of the scalding extra large.

“Mmm-mmm!  That’s good coffee!” I called out to no one in particular.

Still, I sensed that there may have been a few people there who didn’t fully believe me.

With no place left to turn, I came to you, my loyal readers to purge my soul, if not my colon, with my thoughts on the world being Chock Full o’ Nuts.  It’s a sad day when one dopey TV show taints the identity of us coffee lovers.

  • This disturbing practice gives the phrase “Something’s brewing” a whole new meaning.
  • It’s just one more thing to make tea drinkers feel superior.
  • Those people put the “uck!” in Starbucks.
  • There’s no truth to the rumor that they’re considering changing the slogan to “Good to the last plop
  • Care for a cup of demi-ass?
  • Constipation may require a French Press
  • Leaving yourself without sufficient access to a toilet after your coffee enema could result in latte in your culottes – also known as cu-lattes
  • This could also lead to cappucino in your chinos
  • Aficionados are known to spend a few bucks extra for Jamaican Poo Mountain coffee
  • That’s funny!  Jim NEVER has a second cup of coffee at home – I wonder if it’s because I use my lower G.I. system as a decanter

I could go on and on, but I’ve got to get cracking on my post about the cat-lady with the eating disorder.  It’s only a matter of time before she hacks up a hairball and then everybody will be writing about it.

Please enjoy the oh-so-topical video clip I’ve entered from Youtube below.  It’s my very first attempt at a video link – let’s hope it works as effectively as a quart of decaf going the wrong way up the exit ramp.

When Life Gives You Lemons, Make Lemon-Scented Garbage

I was watching TLC the other night and saw several commercials for “Craft Wars”.  For those of you who have enough of a life to have avoided seeing the commercials or TLC itself, allow me to describe what this craft competition show will apparently be about.

“Hi Tori! By the way, I’m a big fan of your work. Oh…Okay, well anyway, this piece is my interpretation of a happy jack-o-lantern. It will make a great door hanging or as seasonal decoration. The crooked grin gives it a touch of whimsy!” (Image from blog.craftzine.com)

Three contestants are given crafting supplies including all the hot-glue sticks and glitter they could ever hope for.  Then, the host says “Your time starts…NOW!”  The crafter-contestants, who by their very existence make me feel like a superior life form, all scramble across the set to get to the bins of crap that they’ll be making “crafts” out of.  This is essentially the same format that’s used on shows like “Top Chef”, “Design Star”, “Chopped”, “The White Room Challenge” and countless others.  As if watching these scrap-booking, swatch-pasting zealots isn’t bad enough in and of itself, the whole thing is hosted by massive has-been mega-talent, Tori Spelling!  The description above was gleaned from my having viewed a 30 second commercial several times, while I was busy watching some other inane offering on TLC.

It’s truly effortless to sit here and complain about what passes for entertainment these days.  I mean, they make it so easy.  So I sat down to write my rants about just that, but then a deeper thought occurred to me.  With the recent celebration of Father’s Day, I was reminded of what my Dad used to say;

“Turn off that damn idiot box and go cut the grass, dammit!”

Oh wait, wrong Dad quote.  He also used to say;

“If you’ve got a problem with it, then come up with something better or shut the hell up!”

Good point, Dad (My Dad didn’t actually curse that much, but I sure as shit do).  I put on my thinking cap and came up with some programming  ideas of my own.  I’m going to email these ideas to TLC, NatGeo, HGTV, Bravo and A&E.  They’ll be welcome to use any and all of my ideas without having to pay me a dime, but I do want the title “Creative Consultant” and a link to my blog in the opening and closing credits.  Here we go:

The Rolls Royce of Eternal Rest – this baby is a serious upgrade.(Image from Jawdrops.com)

America’s Next Top Mortician – Three morticians are given a challenging stiff to prepare for a viewing and funeral.  They will each have a fixed number of hours to fully prepare the corpse for interment.  Some of the challenges will include pushy, unrealistic family members who want Aunt Bessie to look “more life-like”, ill-fitting clothes for the deceased, and convincing the family they should pay for the up-graded casket.  Finally, what final-rest competition would be complete without the hearse-obstacle course?

Janitors Got Talent – Everyone knows at least one janitor who insists on singing or telling jokes while pushing brooms and emptying trash cans.  Here’s a chance for janitors to shine like freshly scrubbed porcelain!  Each contestant will have to demonstrate their unique talent while brushing toilets, running a floor buffer and refilling the soap dispensers in the women’s bathroom.

Cryo-Bank Tellers  24/7 – This gritty, up-close slice of reality will follow the challenges of round-the-clock employees at a St. Louis sperm bank as they deal with the crazy demands of such a bizarre work environment.  Hand held cameras will follow them throughout the facility with copious amounts of digitized blurring of clients faces, specimen jars and more!  At least once every episode, one of the tellers will lament “The sign on the door said ‘Unoccupied’, Geez I hate when that happens!”  Hilarity meets revulsion when new staff members are pranked and directed to put their lunches in the wrong refrigerator!

Bus Wars – Broad Street Local – Parking Wars meets Cash Cab as Philadelphia’s public transportation passengers are asked impossibly difficult trivia questions.  Contestants are frustrated, angered and embarrassed to realize they can’t possibly win any money.  Tempers flare when the contestants realize that the host/driver has ignored their stops while waiting for one of them to answer the question!

You turbo-charge this thing, put a chain guard on it and go to work. (Image from social.kidspot.com.au)

American Baby-Nose Pickers – Poor little Tyler and Brittany can’t do it themselves with their little bitty fingers!  Whether they use the squeeze ball, a Q-Tip or their own massive adult fingers, Moms and even Dads just can’t rest until that little hanger is out of their babies’ honkers.  The contestants will have to face tough challenges like booger-eating older siblings and the nausea of onlookers.  Tension builds as we close in on the final weigh-in!

My Biggest Fat Gypsy Rose Lee Loser – Theatrical directors and personal trainers team up to direct a community theater production of “Gypsy”, starring the morbidly obese who compete to lose the most weight while dancing and singing the hit numbers from 1959’s Broadway smash!  Wardrobe issues and self-esteem are on a collision course in this emotional competition!  Contestants are pushed to the brink when they have to keep their appetites and salivary glands in check while singing the lyric “..have an egg roll, Mr. Goldstone..”

That’s all I’ve got for now.  I’m going to go ahead and send the link for this blog to all those networks.  Keep your eyes peeled in the months to come, I think I’ve got a few winners here.  Listen up network execs, as promised, these ideas are there for the taking, and all I ask is the “Creative Consultant” tag and a plug for my blog.  Be warned though, my next batch won’t come so cheap!