In most of the USA, it’s illegal to use a cell phone while driving, unless you use a hands-free device. What’s baffling is that many people apparently believe that driving while holding their cell phone like a French bread pizza in front of their pie holes is somehow less dangerous than holding it up to their ears, and therefore should be considered less illegal.
I’m no cop, and I have no idea if the open-faced sandwich defense will hold water in court, but it makes me wonder if there are similar strategies for using style points to try to keep oneself out of jail for other offenses.
Illegal Actvity: Talking on a cell phone while driving
Stylish Alternative: Talking on a cell phone while driving, but holding it like a little diving board for your tongue instead of like a phone.
Verdict: You’re still a tool. $100 fine.
Illegal Actvity: Hold the pistol vertically with your dominant hand, and brace it with your other hand to shoot at innocent people.
Stylish Alternative: Hold the pistol sideways with one hand while gesturing in a menacing manner with your free hand, possibly throwing gang signs and/or waving a giant foam “We’re Number One!” hand.
Verdict: It’s been proven in courts that the sideways grasp will not get you off the hook for guilt, despite the obvious style points. Please Note – While alternative grips do not appear to hold sway in Florida courtrooms, the color of the hand doing the grasping may play a role.
Illegal Activity: Littering in a public place.
Stylish Alternative: Missing from 3-point land complete with play by play and crowd noises provided by the offender.
Alternative Stylish Alternative – Winter Olympics Tribute: Littering curling-technique where you shove your trash and have it slide across the ground while a friend or two scurry in front of it sweeping like crazy.
Verdict: You’re still a tool – go pick that shit up and throw it away! Don’t make me come down offa this porch! $50 fine and community service.
Illegal Activity: Yelling “Fire” in a crowded theater.
Stylish Alternative: Yelling “Fuoco!” in a theater showing a Fellini film festival.
Verdict: The butterfly in the park scene symbolizes the fleeting nature of youth and frailty of human relationships. You’re still guilty, but with a deeper appreciation for the stark beauty of the inside of a jail cell. 30 days in the foro.
Illegal Activity: Public Urination
Stylish Alternative: Going number one while striking a pose as a cherub in a historic city center fountain as your friends laugh nearby.
Verdict: Guilty, but possibly worth a minor bit of internet stardom. It’s a shame about your photo bombing the background of that couple’s wedding portraits. $150 fine, not allowed within 500 feet of a school for next 10 years.
Illegal Activity: Public Intoxication (See Public Urination Above)
Stylish Alternative: Attempting to distract arresting officers with avant garde poetry and interpretive dance performance.
Verdict: The pirouette attempt could be construed as malicious intent; Tased, $300 fine, time served.
Illegal Activity: Smoking where prohibited.
Stylish Alternative: Wearing a smoking jacket, ascot, jaunty cap and using a cigarette holder.
Verdict: You’re still a dick (literally in the case of the recycled illustration) $50 fine and increased chance of emphysema.