The Week In Normal – Two Point Oh!

My beloved brother bestowed a bottle of this fine limited edition single malt scotch upon my 50th birthday.  I typically enjoyed it out of a glass.  (Image from luxist dot com)
My beloved brother bestowed a bottle of this fine limited edition single malt scotch upon my 50th birthday. I typically enjoyed it out of a glass. (Image from luxist dot com)

A western Pennsylvania man has been charged with drinking multiple bottles of prohibition vintage whiskey while employed as the caretaker of a mansion outside of Pittsburgh.  Apparently, the hooch was hidden in the mansion during prohibition by the man of the house, away from the prying eyes of federal agents.  The 52 purloined bottles of whiskey were valued at $104,000.  While the man initially denied drinking the whiskey, his DNA was eventually recovered from several of the bottles.  I’m assuming that that the genetic evidence was from his lips, which means he was drinking $2000 a jug whiskey right out of the bottle!  That’s straight gangsta yo!

Cheating?!  Is this what they taught you at Lawrenceville Prep?!  (Image from wikipedia dot com)
Cheating?! Is this what they taught you at Lawrenceville Prep?! (Image from wikipedia dot com)

Harvard has been stripped of quiz tournament titles after officials found out that a member of the university’s team had gained unfair access to subjects to be covered in the questions.  I’m surprised – that’s such a state-school thing to do!

I don't know what's worse, the idiots at the IRS spending 60k on a worthless video, or Joe Biden and his entourage dropping a cool mill in 48 hours in the City of Lights.  (Image from wikipedia dot com)
I don’t know what’s worse, the idiots at the IRS spending 60k on a worthless video, or Joe Biden and his entourage dropping a cool mill in 48 hours in the City of Lights. (Image from wikipedia dot com)

The IRS is catching heat for a training video in which employees dressed up in Star Trek costumes then filmed their skit on a set of the Enterprise in an IRS studio….”an IRS studio” ??!  These dopes are spending my money on a studio?…to make Star Trek parody training videos?!!?  I’d be happier if they were selling crack and gambling with the profits.  I’d write a whole post about this, but I’m not enough of a Trekkie and I’m already too much of a taxpayer.

Kids today!  Am I right?!  (Image from tvgasm dot com)
Kids today! Am I right?! (Image from tvgasm dot com)

An ex-NFL cheerleader has been accused of attempting to have sexual contact with a 12 year old boy.  First and foremeost, this is a serious accusation.  That being said, where were the ex-NFL cheerleaders when I was 12?  In her defense, she admitted to approaching the boy, but said she was drunk, and confused him with an adult male who was also at the gathering.  Just to clarify, I was pretty big for my age at 12 – where were the drunk ex-NFL cheerleaders?  Seriously though, maybe she was trying to recapture her lost youth by capturing a youth.

A news chopper flew to the scene in Philadelphia’s Germantown section to report on a suspected dog fighting ring.  Like any news team, they were hell-bent on beating the other networks to the story.  Turns out at least two of the dogs in question were not feeling quite so combative as the chopper hovered nearby.  Some pitbulls find the chance of being caught in the act is a big doggie turn on.

Life On The Border

A man of my years should be flattered.  I mean really – the young woman is very attractive.  She’s got a great smile, an impressive physique, and a devilish look in her eye.  She gazed at me from the border and made saucy suggestions about how I might spend my time with her.

There she is again!  This time, she targeting people who are over 70 and want to learn to speak Balkan.  Is Balkan even a language?  How can anyone over 70 resist her siren song?! (Image stolen from my very own Facebook border)
There she is! She bears little resemblance to what I imagined a linguist would look like, but maybe she’s just a really attractive one.  Maybe she enjoys teaching mature men how to speak foreign languages.  Can anyone over 50 resist her siren song?! (Image stolen from my very own Facebook border)

She seductively stared at me from the right hand margin of my Facebook page and tried to catch my eye – as if her curvaceous form and sassy attitude didn’t already trump yet another pet memorial from one of my junior high social-studies classmates.

“Watch this crazy linguistics video!” she purred.  I may be a little long in the tooth, but I know a come-on when I see one.  Kids today and their zany euphemisms!  I almost had to blush at the thought of what “linguistics” must mean.  I’m not sure if this girl is a centerfold, a zumba instructor or both, but if she was into “linguistics” then more power to her!

“If you don’t know French and are age 50+ you’ll want to see this video immediately” she cooed to me.

She’s going to teach me “French”?  There’s a video?!  I can’t believe they’d let such a flagrant seductress on Facebook!  I must admit that the idea of a girl who’s this interested in men twice her age is a little off-putting.   After brief consideration, I supposed she preferred her playmates to be in bifocals.  Maybe she’d tired of the guys of her own generation who spent all their time at the gym and playing video games.  Those young pups are too busy trying to kill zombies and aliens to invest the time needed to learn how to take a relationship with a beautiful young woman to the next level using “French” and “linguistics”.

Being a crafty old coot, I knew better than to jump too soon.  I let her think I wasn’t all that interested.  Perhaps she’d think that I already knew French.  Patience is one of the most critical things I’ve learned over these past couple of decades – that and the importance of getting enough fiber in my diet.

Before I could make my move, she’d disappeared and was replaced by a real estate ad  for a 2 bedroom condo in the Village.  Who would be crazy enough to think that I’d be in the market for a condo in the Village?  People who are 50+ and don’t speak French are woefully out of place in a locale as trendy as that.  Do some research, advertising people!

When the Greenwich Village condo ad was replaced by one for a South Jersey Subaru dealer, I was worried that my playing hard-to-get had left the raven-haired vixen feeling rejected.  The poor thing had put herself out there so brazenly, and I had ignored her.  I was such a mean, sexy old grouch.  By now, she’d likely given up explaining the three families of French verbs to the wrinkled masses and was drowning her sorrows doing keg-stands with the Grand Theft Auto players from down the hall.

Just as suddenly as she had vanished, she reappeared in my Facebook border.  I was overjoyed to see her.  I tried to play it cool, though.  I knew fawning all over her ad would be the wrong move.  While only casting discrete glances in her direction, I felt like there was something different.  Was it her smile?  Had she lost a bit of the free-spirit in her eyes?  Her cup size and sexually-defiant posture certainly seemed unchanged.  Then I saw it!  She was looking to teach Italian to the over 60 set!

I’d had my chance, and I’d blown it.  She’d moved on to guys who were even older than me.  I can pass for 49 1/2 in the right light, but only a hottie with a severe astigmatism would think I was in my 60’s.  It was over between us before it had ever really started.  The bitter taste of rejection must have pushed this sweet young linguist over the edge.  She’d abandoned her desire to teach French to younger-old guys like me.  She lowered the bar to working on Italian with gents who had Geritol on their breath and a water glasses full of dentures soaking on the nightstand.

It’s all just as well I suppose.  Married men of my age have no business learning foreign languages from swimsuit models.  Still, I had let my mind go down that path and now my humdrum life seems to ache for a new direction.  I’m thinking that maybe I should reconsider a place in the Village.  If my wife says no, then I’ll have to settle for a Subaru.