Welcome to This Week In Normal. In this feature. I’ll be picking out a few news stories every week or so and giving my two cents on each of them. At that rate, this inaugural batch should run me about a dime. Some of you might think that this feature should be called “The Week In Weird”, but unfortunately, I’m pretty sure that name’s taken. Besides, my title is more accurate.
A University of Arizona study revealed that 72% of shopping cart handles were crawling with fecal bacteria. Where I live, we push the carts with our hands, I can only assume, no pun intended, that some people in Arizona are pushing the carts with their naked butts.
A man in England nearly died from fungal pneumonia which he contracted from the bagpipes which he regularly plays. He admitted that it’s important to get your pipes cleaned out regularly – you have to admit that’s probably easier said than done when you’re 78 years old. Also, who’d have guessed that playing the bagpipes could be as bad for your lungs as listening to them is for your ears?
Passengers on a bus from Atlantic City bound for Manhattan were moved to another bus after complaints that the original motor coach was infested with cockroaches. Scores of roaches came out of vents early in the trip. So this particular plan to export vermin out of the Garden State has been foiled. Not to worry, we’ve got other schemes in mind. Don’t believe me? What state are the Nets calling home these days?
A bakery in Clifton, New Jersey has been shut down by the FDA after products which they advertised as “sugar free” and “fat free” were found to have sugar and saturated fat in them, respectively. In the baker’s defense, it’s really really hard to make delicious baked goods without using sugar and butter and maybe a little palm oil. It’s even more difficult to get people to buy them when you do. The FDA spokesperson reportedly advised the bakery to tell its customers that they should have a piece of fresh fruit, put down that damn video game and go play outside.
A prison guard in western Pennsylvania is in trouble. Apparently, after drinking for most of the day and arguing with his wife, he attempted to shoot the wedding ring off of his finger. He badly mangled his finger, but surprisingly, the ring did not come off. Nice shot, Bucko – maybe get a little closer to your target next time. He was arrested for his reckless behavior, but the real trouble will come from his wife, who will not likely ever let him forget what an idiot he was, how embarrassed she is over the whole thing, the blood stains on the kitchen curtains, how thanks to that crappy insurance from his job, they have to pay a $1200 deductible for his trip to the ER, and whether he thought that bullets grew on trees.