One Point’s Guide To Tough Times

This is a perfect example of a good place for Josh to cut down on spending.  Just order one coffee at a time and go to places with free refills.  (Photo from hoopshabit dot com).
This is a perfect example of a good place for Josh to cut down on spending. Just order one coffee at a time and go to places with free refills. (Photo from hoopshabit dot com).

Josh Smith is upset. He’s gone on the record and stated the obvious: His making a mere 6.9 million dollars next year is going to be tough on his family.

No Shit!! Amiright?!

If like me, you have absolutely no idea who
Josh Smith is, allow me to let you know what I’ve discovered so far.  He’s a 28 year old professional basketball player with career earnings of 90 million dollars or so.  If he started playing professionally at age 18, my massive calculator brain estimates he’s averaged 9 million a year as a pro.

Josh is far from the first young multi-millionaire who’s been faced with financial duress due to slashed wages.  As a public service to these struggling men and women, I’m offering some budget advice.  Even if you’re not a professional athlete or movie star, you may find a few gems in here.  Following just a couple of my financial hints may help you avoid having to sleep on a steam grate near the bus station for another winter.

Everyone knows that buying in bilk can save you money, especially on essentials like caviar, fancy crackers and jet skis. (Collage by the author)

  • Shop at warehouse stores for caviar.  You could save a ton of money!  Down on aisle 17 they usually have great deals on variety packs of crackers to smear those delicious fish eggs on.  Also…look! A Jet Ski!
It's great saving money on vehicle insurance.  Does this private jet really only have one toilet?
Does this plane really only have one toilet?
  • Consider taking Flo from Progressive’s advice and bundle car, home and private jet insurance policies to save on premiums.
This lovely young woman works with me.  To answer your questions, No I neither work in a basement nor a strip club.  The black bar was added to give this illustration a more naughty vibe
This lovely young woman actually works with me. To answer your questions;  no, I work in neither a basement nor a strip club. The black bar was added to give the photo a more naughty, Bob-Crane-home-movie kind of vibe.
  • If visiting a strip club, refrain from “making it rain” with large denomination bills.  Try using rolls of nickels instead.
Kanye knows better than to wear leather pants with chinchilla after Labor Day!  (Photo from rapgenius dot com)
Kanye knows better than to wear leather pants with chinchilla after Labor Day! (Photo from rapgenius dot com)
  • Consider hiring a professional financial manager to help with stretching those six million nine hundred thousand dollars.  I realize doing this will put your Uncle Curtis out of work, but he’s had a good 9 year run – hopefully he can get his old job back working for the county.  He’ll look good driving that truck with his fur on.

You could start a trend Josh.  Rumor has it Labron is out taking a Kia Sorento for a test drive right now!  (Collage by the author)

  • Trade in your gas-guzzling Bentley and opt for a more economical Toyota Prius.  If headroom is going to be an issue, splurge the extra few bucks to get one with a sunroof.
  • Don’t forget to have the people at the arena to validate your parking pass!

Make sure you pack some wet naps.

  • Brown bag your lunch for road games.  Out of town restaurants can be budget busters!  Packing some wet naps may also save you big bucks at the dry cleaners – you know how messy lobster can get!

 

kk on beer

  • Stay away from Kardashians!  (This won’t necessarily save you money, but it’s good advice anyway).  Take a look at that photo – it’s nothing but trouble; Kimmy’s keister AND evil, delicious imperial stout. This will cost you – If not in money, then in dignity.

 

 

Dr. Palmer posing with the elusive giant chocolate lab he bagged on a recent excursion in the south of Jersey.

  • Avoid exotic pets.  Many athletes and movie stars learn too late about the potentially steep veterinary bills and liability insurance costs related to owning jungle cats, primates or birds of prey.  Besides, you run the the risk that a certain American dentist may come kill your pet with a bow and arrow.

 

Drivin with your homey Flo.  Yo Flo, remind me to get my parking validated.  (Collage by the author)
“Drivin’ with my homey Flo-me. Yo , Yo, Yo, Flo-me – Remind me to get my parking validated.”
  • Encourage your family members to get out there and look for work.  Your wife/girlfriend/baby mama may well have some untapped earning potential.  Remember, if she gets a job near the sports complex, you guys can car pool in the Prius!

1PP Jock

  • Avoid the big-name-jock-strap-trap!  A recent issue of Consumer Reports found that start-up independent manufacturers offer supporters with nearly identical performance as the big name garments – without the big name price!  The graphics on this jockstrap are off the hook!  It’s a shame to cover it up with your game shorts, but the league has standards.
  • It’s never too late to start investing in your future.  I suggest cutting a six figure check to One Point Perspective Enterprises.  There’s no guarantee of dividends, but there’s also no guarantee of a return on your investment!
I plan on cashing that first check and buying myself some snazzy headbands.
I plan on buying myself some snazzy headbands once that first check clears.
  • Finally, if things get really bad, you should consider writing a blog.  It won’t likely make you any money, but it might give you enough perspective to understand that 6.9 million dollars aint too bad for a year of shooting hoops.

 

 

 

 

 

An Open Letter To IBS Health Team

As many of you know, I posted a blog this morning which poked fun at two of my recent “followers”.  In an effort to expose the new WordPress followers for what they are, I pretended to salute them, while actually bringing to light their lack of following credentials – if there even is such a thing.  Allow me to explain:

Anyone who writes on WordPress has likely noticed a big upsurge in new followers, even when we haven’t posted anything lately.  If you write, you do so to express yourself.  Having people enjoy your work enough to follow you is an important ingredient in the process.  Sadly, a look into my new followers will often reveal serial followers who are not following for the joy of reading my witty banter, but are instead trying to increase internet exposure for their own causes.  Whether the cause is a disease or a company selling insulated windows is irrelevant.  The point is that the “following” is not being done for to the intended reason of appreciating someone else’s work, but rather for some sort of ulterior motive.  The lack of purity in the followers’ motives detracts greatly from those of us who’d like to enjoy some recognition for our efforts.  WordPress’ spambot patrol seems powerless to stop it or simply doesn’t care..

One of the two “followers” I profiled was IBShealthteam.  For the uninitiated among you, IBS is Irritable Bowel Syndrome.  True to my form, I poked fun at the syndrome and the image used on its Gravatar.

The first comment I received from IBShealthteam read:

Thank you !  Evangelical about getting the message across, what can we say !  We do read the blogs we follow by the way, is a team of us who like to follow the many great blogs out there of which yours is one we all enjoy.    We genuinely just want to help and enjoy reading great blogs of that we are guilty!

I was pleasantly surprised by the comment and appreciative of the group’s apparent ability to take a joke.  As seasoned WordPress writers know, when someone comments on your blog the very first time, you are unable to reply directly and must approve the comment first.  Since I was busy at work, I chose to wait until later to approve and reply.  I wasn’t even going to bust their chops about the Ewok-style  grammar.  At some later point, the following comment was posted:

We have just read a blog which mocks our own and while we initially took it in good humour (we even liked it!) the author has since failed to moderate our comments which light heartedly challenge his assertions about our blog.

Firstly we must address his main point, that we follow blogs for the sake of it.  We are a ‘team’ of writers, a blogging collective’ if you will, and each of us follows blogs we like under this name.  We follow the blogs which we enjoy, not for any potential gain.  We are a blog for IBS sufferers, we are not selling anything, nor do we aim to make money.  Our website has ads to cover the cost of the site, nothing else.

This particular blogger  took great pleasure in attacking our following bloggers whom we enjoy.  We repeat we are not a company.  We respect the bloggers that take the time and effort to produce great work, so to any of you that we have followed, please know that is the reason for our follow.

Secondly – the author demeaned the IBS condition in a crude and ignorant manner.  We have a sense of humour, we understand that not everyone understands the condition, but as we repeatedly state IBS covers far too many symptoms, from mild bloating through to debilitating pain, and anxiety.  We took it in good humour originally, however the authors inability to allow our perfectly reasonable comments to be published has angered us deeply.

Finally, we respect everyone’s opinion and right to express it.  However we feel that it is imperative to allow a fair response.  To write a blog, with no intent other than to mock others is not in our opinion right or proper.  We have been taken back by the warmth and kindness of the majority of other bloggers, it is such a shame that this one individual chooses to mock those who simply wish to help others.

Many Thanks

IBS Health Team

Clearly my lack of a quick reply had ruffled some feathers.  I tried to be understanding and decided to let it go.  At that point, I had only replied to one or two of my long term followers, but didn’t care to get into a pissing contest with anyone new.  Like most people, my work responsibilities trump blog chatter.  I don’t live in constant fear that my words might upset someone, it happens sometimes.  I was ready to just let it go.  Then this gem was posted in the comments section:

Other comments were approved after the ones we originally posted (the timeline clearly shows you had time to approve those), please spare us further comment, we all do this in our own spare time to try and help people with IBS – everyone here has no further interest in being a target of your sarcasm and ridicule.

In case you think we take IBS too seriously  I would just also like you know I watched my young cousin die of leaukimea, I am aware of where ‘IBS’ ranks in the scale of things, and have perspective on the severity of the condition, it does not mean we should not try to help.  I hope you have the courage to actually allow this to be published, so far your actions would make that seem unlikely.

We are all going to take some time away from wordpress, you have soured the experience for us, which is sad given how many kind and genuine folks there are out there.  We hope that you find the time and  imagination to create clever original blogs which do not simply mock others, the internet has certainly given rise to the brave ‘keyboard warriors’, you appear to be one of their number. 

From all the team we would like to say  ‘Ordinary riches can be stolen; real riches cannot. In your soul are infinitely precious things that cannot be taken from you.’ Oscar Wilde

Okay.  That’s enough little missy.  Now please sit down and shut up.  Listen to what I have to say and try not to shit yourself!  This is my blog.  Actually, let me re-phrase that: THIS IS MY FUCKING BLOG! 

Over the past year and a half I’ve written about lots of topics, including but not limited to:

  • bullies
  • coffee enemas
  • obesity
  • fecal matter on grocery carts
  • being a temporary replacement Pope and dealing with priests abusing little boys
  • 18 decapitated heads lost in an airport
  • G-spots on 84 year old dead ladies
  • internet dating and the woman accused of manslaughter in order to do so (Freshly Pressed on that one)
  • Santa’s embarrassing Nazi reindeer griping about bringing toys to “unpure kinder”
  • heroin flavored ice cream (Ben and Jerry’s started following me on Twitter after that one)
  • an NFL player who tried to use urine from his rottweiler to pass a drug screen

It’s hard to believe that someone as sensitive as you would want to read such horrid topics.  Certainly no one would blame you for passing on my brand of humor – it’s just not for everyone.  But here’s the funny thing;  YOU FOLLOWED ME!  No one forced you to click that little button.  Surely after reading the sordid tale of my college dog crapping out a condom you would have rethought your choice.  Nope…still there.  My take on visiting the urologist was graphic and icky and sprinkled with weiner and butt jokes – but you stayed right there following along like a good soldier.

As a follower, you were sent each one of my posts.  I suppose you enjoyed reading them, even though until earlier today, you never commented on a single one.  Not a peep.  You never clicked “like” on a single one either.  In fact, after deciding to follow me, you didn’t appear anywhere on my blog ever in any way, shape or form, until today.  It’s hard to imagine that I could have misinterpreted your silence.  What the hell was I thinking?!

I’m sure that IBS is no picnic.  I’m also positive that the world is a shitty place (no pun intended).  I’m also fairly sure that the state of the world is dealt with by at least one of us with humor.

I was sorry to read of the untimely passing of your nephew.  I’m sure the pain of your loss was deep and lingers to this day.  I work with special needs children and I have attended many funerals of some of my favorites.  I’ve cried with their parents and comforted their siblings and classmates.  I passed on more prestigious and lucrative positions in my profession to work with these kids and do my utmost to help them live their lives to the fullest.  I was reluctant to take time away from those kids today in order to entertain your trivial pissing and whining.  I’m sure you can understand that.  Sometimes people ask me how I can work in such a setting.  I tell them that the kids are great to work with, because they are.  I sometimes admit to them that when things get tough, I go home and write a blog.

Feel free to thank me anytime for all the free publicity I’ve given your cause today – but just remember, not all of my followers actually read my blog.