Blitzen’s White Christmas – Blogfestivus Series

Zis iz zee original photo, before it vas edited by zertain parties.
Zis iz zee original photo, before it vas edited by zertain parties.

Zee Christmas holiday hess no longer zee pureness it vonce had, yes?

Ven I vas young buck, vee flew through zee night to bring presents to zee kinder.  Vee flew right past zee homes of zee unpure und vee left entire continents in zee dark – zoe to speak, yes?

Und now?  Now vee must fly much furzer und bring zee presents to zoe many more kinder, even zee schwartzas, yes?  Vee must fly zoe far und land on roofs vissout zee chimneys, und vee must carry toys which mine elves make for zee unpure kinder.

During zee great var, I tried to get Zanta to zee the light.  If vee could heff helped zee cause a little bit, zee vorld might be verrry different today, yes?  But that Zaint Nick, he vould not budge.  He vished to remain neutral.  He vas like Svitzerland mit a big vite beard.  Zo jolly, but zo spineless, yes?

Und now?  Now zee ozzer reindeer, zay do not vish for ozzers to zpeak to me.  Zay vill not zay it out loud, but zay too vish for zee purer Christmas.  Zee reindeer und even zee elves know zat zee holidays….

Vait!  I am not done vit mine interview!  Take zat tape recorder back outta zee case!  I heff more to zay about…

Ahh!…I zee clearly now.  You are viss the media, und vee know who controls you…Vee are finished talking, yes?

Ach!

Below is a list of all the other Blogfestivus participants – though after the gem I posted above, they may be busy distancing themselves from anything to do with Blitzen or reindeer  (Personally, I think this sociopathic Nazi version of Blitzen presented a golden opportunity for humor).

Blogdramedy (Ring Leader, reindeer enthusiast, generally cool chick)

Steve BetzRewind ReviseLenore DianeShouts from the Abyss

Fit it or DealLynn Schneider BooksSo I Went Undercover

Joe Owen’s BlogMC’s WhispersLittleWonder2  –

Blog It or Lose It!Voice in MeApprentice, never master

A Year of Daily PostsDiary of a Sensitive SoulDot Knows!k8edid

Snow White, Some Dwarfs and A Million Pieces of Coal

It’s clear that Hollywood is pretty well tapped-out when it comes to new ideas.  Heaven forbid they consider coming to WordPress and looking for some fresh writing talent.  Instead, they’ve rehashed a fairy tale and added a generous batch of special effects to spice it up.   I know my loyal readers will point out that I recently did the same thing with the Three Little Pigs in my erotic opus, Forty Seven Shades of Pink.  In my defense, no one is paying me buckets of cash to write anything, original or otherwise, and I didn’t actually use any special effects except the pigs being able to dress themselves in lingerie.  Let’s face it, they could already talk and build houses so that’s not exactly a quantum leap in believability.

It’s all in the wrist: you swing your broadsword thusly and…Boom! Nothing but a pile of coal where the knight used to be. (Image from Hotnerdgirl.wordpress.com)

I don’t have too many clear memories of my early childhood, largely because it was a long damn time ago.  I’m told that my parents and grand parents read me fairy tales from time to time.  Though my memory is admittedly a tad vague until early puberty,  I’m pretty sure I would have recalled the part in Snow White wherein evil doers are sliced in half with swords and immediately turn into a million chunks of digital coal.  I certainly would not have forgotten a witch who looks like Charlize Theron, spins in the woods and turns into a swirling flock of ravens like some bad-trip, M.C. Escher print.

In the spirit of full disclosure, I haven’t actually seen the new Snow White movie, and I likely won’t.  I’ve seen the trailer a couple of times, and that’s more than enough for me.  The special effects certainly looked dazzling enough, but to be honest, when you’ve seen one evil henchman reduced to a scattered pile of black rocks, you’ve pretty much seen them all.

Fairest of them all?! I mean it’s really, really close! Hottest of them all? Well, yeah, it’s still realllllly close. Do I have to choose? Maybe we could get that guy out of the picture so I could focus?  Thanks, dude…why don’t you take 5 and go grab a coffee or a danish, I got this.  (Image from justjared.com)

Compared to most fairy tales, the traditional storyline of Snow White is not particularly reliant upon special effects.  There’s an evil witch with competition issues and a talking mirror.  The mirror tells her about a more beautiful woman, named Snow White (we’ll save the speculation about Hitler youth ideals for some other blog).  The wicked witch can’t deal with being the second fairest of them all.  She fails in putting a hit out on Snow White who escapes into the woods, eventually shacking up with seven miners who happen to be dwarfs.  The queen hunts her down and slips her a poison apple which puts Snow White in a coma.  Aside from the talking mirror, there’s absolutely no reason for special effects in the story.  I’m pretty sure I’ve seen  talking mirrors on sale at Bed, Bath and Beyond, in case you’re interested in getting one of your own.  Bear in mind, those sassy bitches are on the clearance rack for a reason.

The new movie, if the title is accurate, focuses more on the early part of the story and the huntsman’s role as failed hit-man.  Certainly there is room for the character to deal with the turmoil of his task.  Again, no real reason for additional special effects, unless the film makers decided to go with the miniature angel-huntsman on one shoulder and the little devil-huntsman on the other, but I didn’t see that in the trailer.  A quick consult with some blog writers and we might have had the angel-devil on the shoulders scene, but nooo, those big wheels out in Hollywood couldn’t be bothered.

See? We could put these on the Huntsman’s shoulders, or on the Queen’s. As long as these she-devils/angels aren’t fairer than Charlize. These two might not be tied for 4th, but they could make the top ten, depending upon the kingdom. (Image from reviews.partycity.com)

Obviously, Snow White as a story doesn’t really need special effects, gratuitous or not.  Another part of the problem is the special effects themselves.  With the advent of computer generated imagery, the wonder of special effects is no longer wondrous.  Once upon a time, movie-goers would speculate for days about “how’d they do that?”, scanning the edge of the screen for tell-tale silouettes of wire or looking for the zipper on the back of the Godzilla suit.  Today, we don’t even bother wondering how the magic happens.

I know how to use my computer like a typewriter to write these dopey blogs and to look at porn research online.  There are hundreds of thousands of twelve year olds people who can do so much more with a computer than me.  They can do things like make Spiderman swing from buildings or create dog-beasts from thin air to chase the last few Hunger Games contestants to the final fight scene.  Hell, computer experts can even see about getting me an upgrade on my airline tickets (though they can’t consistently get me an emergency exit row or bulkhead seat).  I would love to say how much I appreciate their facility with the keyboard and mousepad, but as long as Spidey doesn’t break up and freeze into a pixilated mess of red and blue, midswing, I don’t even notice their work.

Sorry Hollywood, adding a bunch of eye candy and razzle dazzle is no way to fool us into thinking we didn’t already know this story line since we were 4 years old.  Now when “Jack and Jill, Terror Hill” comes out, I may have to change my stance and go see it.  Rumor has it the scene where Jack breaks his crown is incredibly gruesome, plus we finally get to find out what a crown is.

When Life Gives You Lemons, Make Lemon-Scented Garbage

I was watching TLC the other night and saw several commercials for “Craft Wars”.  For those of you who have enough of a life to have avoided seeing the commercials or TLC itself, allow me to describe what this craft competition show will apparently be about.

“Hi Tori! By the way, I’m a big fan of your work. Oh…Okay, well anyway, this piece is my interpretation of a happy jack-o-lantern. It will make a great door hanging or as seasonal decoration. The crooked grin gives it a touch of whimsy!” (Image from blog.craftzine.com)

Three contestants are given crafting supplies including all the hot-glue sticks and glitter they could ever hope for.  Then, the host says “Your time starts…NOW!”  The crafter-contestants, who by their very existence make me feel like a superior life form, all scramble across the set to get to the bins of crap that they’ll be making “crafts” out of.  This is essentially the same format that’s used on shows like “Top Chef”, “Design Star”, “Chopped”, “The White Room Challenge” and countless others.  As if watching these scrap-booking, swatch-pasting zealots isn’t bad enough in and of itself, the whole thing is hosted by massive has-been mega-talent, Tori Spelling!  The description above was gleaned from my having viewed a 30 second commercial several times, while I was busy watching some other inane offering on TLC.

It’s truly effortless to sit here and complain about what passes for entertainment these days.  I mean, they make it so easy.  So I sat down to write my rants about just that, but then a deeper thought occurred to me.  With the recent celebration of Father’s Day, I was reminded of what my Dad used to say;

“Turn off that damn idiot box and go cut the grass, dammit!”

Oh wait, wrong Dad quote.  He also used to say;

“If you’ve got a problem with it, then come up with something better or shut the hell up!”

Good point, Dad (My Dad didn’t actually curse that much, but I sure as shit do).  I put on my thinking cap and came up with some programming  ideas of my own.  I’m going to email these ideas to TLC, NatGeo, HGTV, Bravo and A&E.  They’ll be welcome to use any and all of my ideas without having to pay me a dime, but I do want the title “Creative Consultant” and a link to my blog in the opening and closing credits.  Here we go:

The Rolls Royce of Eternal Rest – this baby is a serious upgrade.(Image from Jawdrops.com)

America’s Next Top Mortician – Three morticians are given a challenging stiff to prepare for a viewing and funeral.  They will each have a fixed number of hours to fully prepare the corpse for interment.  Some of the challenges will include pushy, unrealistic family members who want Aunt Bessie to look “more life-like”, ill-fitting clothes for the deceased, and convincing the family they should pay for the up-graded casket.  Finally, what final-rest competition would be complete without the hearse-obstacle course?

Janitors Got Talent – Everyone knows at least one janitor who insists on singing or telling jokes while pushing brooms and emptying trash cans.  Here’s a chance for janitors to shine like freshly scrubbed porcelain!  Each contestant will have to demonstrate their unique talent while brushing toilets, running a floor buffer and refilling the soap dispensers in the women’s bathroom.

Cryo-Bank Tellers  24/7 – This gritty, up-close slice of reality will follow the challenges of round-the-clock employees at a St. Louis sperm bank as they deal with the crazy demands of such a bizarre work environment.  Hand held cameras will follow them throughout the facility with copious amounts of digitized blurring of clients faces, specimen jars and more!  At least once every episode, one of the tellers will lament “The sign on the door said ‘Unoccupied’, Geez I hate when that happens!”  Hilarity meets revulsion when new staff members are pranked and directed to put their lunches in the wrong refrigerator!

Bus Wars – Broad Street Local – Parking Wars meets Cash Cab as Philadelphia’s public transportation passengers are asked impossibly difficult trivia questions.  Contestants are frustrated, angered and embarrassed to realize they can’t possibly win any money.  Tempers flare when the contestants realize that the host/driver has ignored their stops while waiting for one of them to answer the question!

You turbo-charge this thing, put a chain guard on it and go to work. (Image from social.kidspot.com.au)

American Baby-Nose Pickers – Poor little Tyler and Brittany can’t do it themselves with their little bitty fingers!  Whether they use the squeeze ball, a Q-Tip or their own massive adult fingers, Moms and even Dads just can’t rest until that little hanger is out of their babies’ honkers.  The contestants will have to face tough challenges like booger-eating older siblings and the nausea of onlookers.  Tension builds as we close in on the final weigh-in!

My Biggest Fat Gypsy Rose Lee Loser – Theatrical directors and personal trainers team up to direct a community theater production of “Gypsy”, starring the morbidly obese who compete to lose the most weight while dancing and singing the hit numbers from 1959’s Broadway smash!  Wardrobe issues and self-esteem are on a collision course in this emotional competition!  Contestants are pushed to the brink when they have to keep their appetites and salivary glands in check while singing the lyric “..have an egg roll, Mr. Goldstone..”

That’s all I’ve got for now.  I’m going to go ahead and send the link for this blog to all those networks.  Keep your eyes peeled in the months to come, I think I’ve got a few winners here.  Listen up network execs, as promised, these ideas are there for the taking, and all I ask is the “Creative Consultant” tag and a plug for my blog.  Be warned though, my next batch won’t come so cheap!