Great Aunt Tilda Was A Rough Rider? – Did you actually think you were going to find dirty details about those old-time sex acts over here?!? True perverts and historians knew right away that I just made all of those up. So I guess that makes you an amateur perv? You should have your mouth washed out with soap, but you’d probably like that, wouldn’t you? Go back to the post and finish reading. When you’re done, you can click “like” and we’ll just pretend like this never happened.
Bruce Jenner’s Bucket List – As of this writing, and to the best of my knowledge, Bruce Jenner still has one penis and Kim Kardashian still has two assholes.
New Year’s Resolutions You Can Actually Keep – Despite knowing better, I took my own advice on this one. I ended up slipping on an icy patch down at the cemetery and ruined my one winning scratch-off ticket in a puddle of slush. As if that wasn’t bad enough, I damn near had a coronary raking my yard when no one else showed up to do it for me. Ingrates!
My Coaching Application – NY Jets – True to form, the Jets brass went with NFL veteran player/coach Todd Bowles. I didn’t even get consideration for assistant special teams coach or game ball inflation consultant for the twice yearly meeting with the Patriots. So much for visionary owners. I can’t guarantee that I’ll still be available in 2 or 3 years when they dump this bum!
I Failed My Personality Quiz – It’s been a long damn time since I updated this updates page. I don’t have enough shit on my plate without having an updates page to update?! If you’re here looking for special deals on Disney products, your personality quiz shows you’re a rube! I suggest you pay full price for those products over at the mall. In the meantime, try to be glad you live in one of the countries where their products are sold, and not in one of the countries where their products are made.
A New New Years Eve – “Don Ho’s New Years Eve Claymation Special” ?! Seriously?! How gullible are you guys? Try reading the whole post before you go clicking on links just a few sentences into the piece! No wonder our children score so low on standardized tests – they’re hitting on links and switching subjects with the focus of fleas on meth!
Life On The Trail – True Tales From The Easter Bunny – I wrote this gem back around Easter for everyone’s spring holiday enjoyment. It describes my exclusive interview with the Easter Bunny himself in a roadside bar somewhere in the Florida panhandle, during the holiday off-season. In addition to the hard-drinking, hard living Easter Bunny, Santa and a host of others are in attendance. No flash photography was permitted, so I had to resort to dusting off my colored pencils and drawing board to illustrate it. Now I’m seeing commercials for a new movie called “The Guardians” featuring MY versions of these characters! Hollywood better quit stealing my ideas, or I’m going to have to knock some heads. I’m serious, Pixar! Don’t make me come out there!
That Gender-Bias Mocha Swirl Will Go Straight To Your Thighs – This was my whiney lament to being left out of Lenore-Diane’s chick-fest of showing love for Ben and Jerry’s many delicious products. Apparently the good folks at Ben and Jerry’s thought my suggestion of a Heroin Almond Crunch flavor had some merit, because now they’re following me on Twitter. That’s right bitches, THEY are following ME ! Nuff said!
Let’s Drop iPhone and Call It a Royale With Cheese – iPhone commecrcials march further into my psyche, adding Martin “Marty” Scorcese chatting to Siri in the back of a taxi. Scorcese in a taxi?! No Limo?! Not even a Towncar?! He comes across like he’s doing a mediocre imitation of George Steinbrenner from old Seinfeld episodes. I’m not looking forward to seeing George Will’s premiere – please George, please don’t do it.
Most Annoying Television Personalities – Summer 2012 – Hold the phone! As annoying as Phil “Tour de France” Liggett is, he looks like a piker compared to our new winner; Mr. Bob Costas. I don’t know what the hell I was thinking writing that blog BEFORE the Olympic games!? Costas has some sort of delusion that he’s something more than a sportscaster, and takes every opportunity to get all “preachy” and “newsy” on us when talking about jocks.
So-Called “Words” With So-Called “Friends” – Despite what you might wish to believe, I am not friends on Facebook 0r anywhere else with Jerry Sundusky, Marie Antionette, Sally Jones or Bob Smith. I can only hope Mr. Sandusky has a new friend named Bubba, and that Sally Jones has seen the light and is using actual words in a game with the word “Words” in its name. In other news, I’ve forgotten how I indented the rest of the updates below. Oh wait! I just figured it out!
Lemon-Scented Garbage – I tried valiantly for almost an hour to find a way to put my incredible program pitches into the hands of the movers and shakers at TLC, A & E, and Nat Geo, but to no avail. These networks are apparently bombarded with lunatics who make it difficult for the real talent to get through. This doesn’t mean my ideas won’t be showing up on your cable soon, it just means I won’t get the credit I requested and deserve. Where’s the justice, huh?
47 Shades of Pink – To date I have not received any feedback from Oscar Mayer, Hormel, or Miss Piggy (or Pixar regarding my drawing prowess). I fully expect a “Fritz the Cat” type adult-themed computer animated feature to show up within a year or two. Unlike the TLC program pitches, I’ll fight this one all the way to the Supreme Court, baby!
Bully For You – As I predicted, politicians have cooled in their jets on the whole bullying issue and have moved onto the next big thing. I was incorrect about it being insecticides in hair styling products. Instead they’ve decided the next massively important issue is campaign tour bus etiquette. Even though very few Americans have anything to do with campaign tour buses, the politicians know what’s best for us. So remember, keep right, pass left and no pressed hams!
Tour dates?! We’re getting ahead of ourselves just a tad aren’t we folks?! If I go on tour, you guys and gals will be the first to know.
3/29/2015: Do vacations count as tour dates? I guess I should put them on here so I can connect with my fan base, but my wife is concerned that all I’ll be doing is letting burglars know when I’ll be out of town (What are they gonna steal, sweetie? This crappy old laptop?)
All drawings and photographs attributed to David Lovett or “the author” in 1pointperspective and all blog content contained within 1pointperspective, unless otherwise noted, are the exclusive property of David Lovett. Copyright 2012 David Lovett.
Grand Prize Giveaway:
I’m not going on tour, but you folks think I’m giving away a grand prize? You’re a gullible bunch. Tell you what, if I ever make it to 100 followers, I’ll give away one of my drawings. We’ll figure out the specifics if and when it’s time for a contest; the last thing I want is to sponsor a contest and have no one show up. It would bruise my already fragile ego as both a fledgling writer and a mediocre artiste. I’ll even attach the drawings below as an enticement for you to drum me up some new followers (Plus, it’ll fill this sorry-looking page a bit).
I know, I phoned this one in. No one, including me, wants a sad drawing of an engraved whistle on a torn string. What’s that? You didn’t realize it was a whistle?! Now you’re just being hurtful. This is not the drawing which will be awarded, as it will likely end up on the bottom of a birdcage before I have 100 followers.
In the spirit of full disclosure, this drawing is on a crappy piece of copier paper and not the Bristol Board the other ones are drawn on. To spare you firearm afficienados the trouble, I’ll go ahead and admit that the bullets are way too small to be for the .45 mentioned in the story. Get over it! It’s called artistic license! Also, until I started drawing bullets, I had no idea just how phallic those little fuckers are – maybe you gun nuts should take a long look in the mirror.
The sexy sandals by the pool is from the “Lust” entry in the 7 Deadly Sins competition. As God is my witness, I’ll think long and hard before attempting to draw water again. In the spirit of suffering for my art, I actually went out and bought my wife this pair of sandals so that I could draw them. She has refused to wear them in any circumstances, and by the time you’ve read this, she will have taken them back to the store and exchanged them for something more suitable to her tastes in footwear.