That “Gender-Bias Mocha Swirl” Will Go Right To Your Thighs

My favorite flavor is “Montezuma’s Cacao-Nib Revenge”. Sadly, my opinion is only valued for more manly pursuits, like drinking beer, amusing super-models and running with the bulls in Pamplona. (image from

A blogger named Lenore Diane recently decided that it would be fun to invite some of her fellow writers to wax poetic all about how deeply they love Ben and Jerry’s ice cream.  The great thing about an idea like this is that it gives the writers a chance to express their personal views on a wonderfully universal topic.  I can’t speak for all bloggers, but I love having someone else give me a topic to write about, it so beats the hell out of coming up with a thought from scratch.

A cynic might point out that this entire affair is a thinly disguised attempt on L.D.’s part to get a lifetime supply of frozen pints for all the free publicity.  There are others who see this as something darker, something that’s so very, very wrong.

L.D. and I have a little history.  We run in some of the same blog circles and our comments sometimes intersect.  We follow one another on Twitter.  We’re not exactly blog buddies, but we know of each other.  Despite our obvious connection, she left me off her list of people who were invited to write about Ben and Jerry’s delicious product line.  Amazing, right?!

A closer look at the list of bloggers who were invited reveals that only one of the ten invitees is a male.   To clarify, the topic is Ben and Jerry’s ice cream, not how hard it is to find a pair of pumps to go with that green skirt or Keith Urban’s dreamy eyes.  Anyone who’s ever stood in the Quickie Mart at 2:30 in the morning with $5.63 burning a hole in their pocket knows about Ben and Jerry’s, irrespective of whether they tinkle standing up or not.

I’m not upset that L.D. didn’t invite me specifically to write on this topic (yes I am).  I am upset that there wasn’t a more gender-balanced group (no I’m not, I couldn’t care less).  I’m sure if she was pressed on an answer, L.D. would say it just worked out that way, and I’m sure that’d be true.  Let’s face it, society has decided that sweet, rich desserts are the domain of women.  That’s why “Cupcake Wars” is not going to be found on Spike TV, not even in syndicated re-runs.

I don’t normally get all charged up about being slighted like this.   Maybe it’s the time of year.  All the political commercials, mud-slinging and such has me feeling contentious and more knee-jerky than ever.  I’m sure that my crankiness can also be traced to Weight Watchers for Men – I’m just not sure how.  I feel like it’s only a matter of time before I’ll have to listen to Charles Barkley going on and on about how great it is to fit into his skinny jeans – it’s just wrong.  On a side note, I need to find out if pissing and moaning can earn me exercise points.

The frustrating part is that I feel like I could’ve written a good post on Ben and Jerry’s.  I’m a big fan of their products as well as the company’s socially conscientious efforts to be something other than a money-making conglomerate.  As for their flavors, my favorite would have to be Heroin Toffee Crunch, if only they’d make it.  Seriously, that stuff would be addictive.  I’d also really enjoy Cashew-Gesundheit Frozen Yogurt, but only during cold season.

Alas, the opportunity to join in on the love fest for Ben and Jerry’s is a ship which has sailed.  I’ll lick my emotional wounds and hope that the next time there’s a call for entries, my deep voice and shaved head won’t keep me from being considered.  Being so manly in this world of sensitive writers has cost me another opportunity.  It would shatter gender stereotupes for me to weep anymore about it, I’ll just have to suffer quietly and pretend that I’m not hurting on the inside.  This is when real men retreat to moody silence and a tumbler of single malt scotch.

L.D., no hard feelings.  We’re good.  Please, notes of apology aren’t required (but if you feel like sending me one of those coupons for a free pint, I won’t turn my nose up at it).

37 thoughts on “That “Gender-Bias Mocha Swirl” Will Go Right To Your Thighs

  1. Actually, the Dos Equis guy is from, I took the liberty of adding the Cherry Garcia and the text – because despite being an admitted macho man, I can do me some creative stuff too.

  2. You are hilarious, 1pt!! Listen, I just finished a pint of there nougat flavor. Go grab you a pint of the same flavor, and we can discuss our separate experiences. It was a new flavor for me, and I won’t get it again.
    I sincerely apologize for not inviting you to this reindeer game. I will next time. I promise!
    Thanks for the shout out. While I have no plans to decline any offers for free pints from Ben and Jerry, I saluted the ice cream makers because I am truly addicted -er- passionate about their ice cream. Long live Phish Food! Long live Peanut Butter World! Long live Chocolate Therapy! Long live my Nordic Track, cuz I have several pints to work off.

    1. I was fairly confident that you’d see the humor in my words. I haven’t had much luck getting invited to things, having missed the cut to the “Ode To Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups” several months back.

      I think my niche is the disenfranchised outsider.

        1. ironically, my little tantrum scored me a new follower on twitter…a certain follower named “ben and jerry’s”

    1. For God’s sake woman! You’re a published author now – Get yourself a pedicure and take care of your heels! You’re a big deal now; you don’t have to live with thick skin like a commoner!

            1. I had no doubt. On the bright side, you left baboon butts out of the discussion, and for that we thank you.

              1. Oh, wait, are they the ones with the rough, ugly butts? Can’t remember. Guess it’s time for a trip to the zoo.

                1. Nothing beats finding the animals with the ugliest butts, unless they’re mating when you find them, that beats every other zoo experience.

                    1. I knew a lady turtle and she used to say that her mate really knew how to take his time.

                      But seriously, put yourself in the animal’s place: You’re stuck in an environment with no predators to add danger, no food issues, since you’re fed regularly, and barely any competition for mates! Might as well knock boots with that hot baboon chick who was throwing her feces at you the other day. It’s not like there’s much else to do.

  3. Well, when you and Carrie have quite finished talking about the mating habits of baboons, maybe you could let someone else have a chance at commenting!

    I’ve completely forgotten what I was going to say now, but trust me, it was hilarious!

    Oh, and if you’re interested, my favourite flavour is Coffee Heath Bar Crunch, but you can’t get it here in the UK, and I’m not happy about that!

    1. Sorry about detailing your train of thought, but she started it!

      In other news, Ben and Jerry’s actually started following me on Twitter! I don’t know whether to take that as a compliment or as something slightly more ominous.

  4. Brace yourself….I am a Ben & Jerry’s virgin. I’m not sure how that happened, other than me and the boys just don’t run in the same circles. I think this weekend might be a good time for a threesome. Starting with Half-Baked seems appropriate.

    1. Don’t feel obligated. There’s a reason they haven’t come out with the heroin flavor, and I suspect that it’s because their product line is already far more addicitve than mere opiates.

      You’ve been warned.

  5. Sorry you were on the receiving end of this blatant sexual discrimination. I’m ashamed to even know Lenore.

    On the plus side, licking your emotional wounds won’t do quite as much damage to your thighs as licking a triple-scooper of Phish Food, something I know you standing-tinklers always obsess about.

    1. Good point. Unfortunately most of us standing tinklers don’t obsess about our thighs as much as we do yours.

    1. Without your manly presence, my charges of gender bias would’ve looked a bit more potent, but you were still quite the minority.

      As I wrote in the post, I love when people give me something to write about, so I don’t have to come up with ideas from scratch, so thanks for doing your part.

      For all my whining, I somehow managed to get followed by Ben and Jerry’s on Twitter…go figure.

    1. thats a tricky topic…to be honest, until this recent bunch of revelations, i was leaning toward believing in his innocence, but now thats not so easy to do…you never know what direction the wind will blow through my ears as far as topics…until somebody starts paying me, i’ll keep doing whatever floats the boat.

  6. Let me preface this by saying I was invited to the party but couldn’t go since I was out of town that weekend. Now having said that, I can more comfortably say that gee that really sucks. You poor guy. Let’s three-way call Lenore and I’ll ask her what she thinks about you while you listen in. I learned that trick in 7th grade.

    I’m actually mad at all of yous for this since now I want a pint of Ben and Jerry’s and possibly some heroin.

    1. With the healing of time, I’ve come to see that I would not have written nearly as good a post if I was invited than I did because I wasn’t. (?)

      I didn’t “know” the participants or even realize the same opportunity existed back when many of my favorites got together and wrote their odes to Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups. Even then, I think I would have preferred to play the role of the kid from the wrong side fo the tracks, watching the high-society party from outside the window, the hot tears of rejection hidden in the darkness and anonymity of the shadows…

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