Now that the author of the “Shades of Gray” books is likely swimming in a jacuzzi filled with C-notes and caviar, I thought I’d take a stab at some of this erotica stuff myself. Rather than waste valuable energy developing a plot, I’ve opted to just rehash a classic- inserting juicy parts as I go. I’ll just slip them in slowly, but with urgent determination, again and again.
Once upon a time, there were three little pigs, Francine, Gloria and Beulah. All three of the pink, succulent porkers were mesmerized by thoughts of the new guy in town, the roguishly handsome Mr. B. B. Wolfe. They nestled together in the comfort of Francine’s California king-sized bed, beneath the tangled sheets in a sea of eager, pink flesh and tightly coiled tails. They whispered to one another about B.B. and his devilish good looks. Each hot breath filling their pointy little ears, until they could hardly stay still from the excitement.
They’d heard that Wolfe had a fondness for tail. He’d surely want theirs, and they quivered in a volatile mixture of fear and anticipation. Each piggy had her own views on how best to build her house to keep him out.
Buelah set to work on her plans. She set out from the comfort of the bed and hastily slipped into her work clothes, not even pausing to bother with her thong. In truth, Buelah seldom wore a thong, she’d long ago grown tired of untangling her curly tail from the G-strings.
She got working on her new home, which would be an earth-friendly, straw design. As she busily tied the bunches of straw together, her mind kept drifting to B.B. There were rumors in the village that he had a penchant for ropes and hand-cuffs. She found it hard to focus on tying the bundles as she imagined her own hooves being wrapped in twine, unable to move as B.B. helped himself to a wolf’s share of her fatback. She imagined herself squealing in pain and pleasure, helpless as Wolfe did as he pleased. Though she was a successful, self-sufficient young sow, she had to admit to herself that it made her pork loins tremble at the thought of being used by Wolfe for his every whim.
When at last her work was done, she sat back and regarded the fruits of her labor. Her new home was quite stylish, and politically correct from a renewable resource standpoint. The front door was hung in a flimsy frame made of bundled straw, and would take no effort for B.B. to blow it down. She knew she should reinforce it, but deep inside, her inner bacon bits yearned to be ravaged by the lupine lothario.
Gloria left the giant bed and wiggled her little pork butt over to her own construction site, where her new home was being built with sticks. Unlike Buelah’s hands-on style, Gloria favored having paid construction professionals doing her heavy lifting. She sat in the shade of a nearby elm and watched the team from Seven Dwarfs Construction as they worked weaving the sticks together to make the walls. It was a hot day, and the little men glistened from their efforts in the afternoon sun.
Gloria tickled her cheek with a piece of grass and wondered if what they said about dwarfs was true. She thought the one named “Dopey” looked especially virile. She dozed off and dreamed of two or three of her hot little laborers and B.B. Wolfe, all together with her back in the giant bed. Stubby little fingers pulled at her pink pigskin and a long hairy tail wagged in delight at the orgiastic scene.
When she awoke, the construction workers had left for the day. The house was nearly finished, except for the thatching of the roof. Gloria could plainly see that her money was not all that well spent. The house would never hold up to B.B.’s hot, powerful breath. Maybe Wolfe would show up at the exact moment she was meeting with Doc, the construction foreman. The wee builder could see for himself how little protection the house provided. One thing would lead to another, and Gloria would end up as the suckling pig centerpiece at the feast of their attentions. She smiled to herself and her pork belly jiggled just a little as her mind went back to her naughty fantasies.
Francine was happy to finally have the giant bed to herself. She rolled around in the cool sheets happy as a pig in poop. Her brick villa was finally done, and she would most certainly have the safest house of the three. She had a soft spot for both Beulah and Gloria, and they would be welcome to seek refuge in her home once theirs proved to be unsafe. She thought of the three of them together and cozy in the bed again. While their company was always welcome, Francine had a weakness for bad boys, like Wolfe. The very thought of him made her hog jowls flush and her chitlins churn. She put on her thigh-high stockings and her sexiest 12 cup Victoria’s Secret bra and waited as patiently as she could.
Francine was roused from her fantasizing by the squeals of her two friends. She thought that perhaps B.B. Wolfe had already chased them to her, but saw not a trace of him when she flung open the door. Before her stood Gloria and Beulah, their tails still very much intact, but their faces streaked with tears. She ushered her dear friends into the house to find out what was the matter.
Gloria started, “It’s that B.B. Wolfe!” she cried, “I was ready for him. My house of sticks is nearly done, at no small expense, I might add, and there’s no sign of him. I could have stayed in my old place and saved my money”
Beulah cut in, “My straw house was all set too. I waited and waited, but B.B. never showed up. When I spoke with Henny Penny in town, she told me what she had heard.”
“That B.B. is a kinkier rascal than we knew. He got us all worked up and worried about our tails, then he went and shacked up with Little Red, over in the hood.”
Gloria sobbed, “It turns out, B.B. is some kind of transvestite freak who’s into dressing up like Grandma and doing the whole role playing thing!” She wailed in falsetto “Oooh, what big eyes you have! I tell you it’s just sick!”
Francine knew there was no chance B.B. would be stopping by now. She said, “Cmon girls, I’ll make us some slop, we can climb into my bed and watch some cable to get our minds off things. Maybe there’s an old episode of ‘Sex and the Sty’ on.”
The three pigs walked into the brick house and soon forgot their disappointment. They lolled around on the satin sheets and watched the TV as Carnitas, Hamantha and the other characters negotiated the social world of the sty and vied for the attention of a guy named Mr. Pig.
The moral of the story: A wolf in sheep’s clothing may just be into that sort of thing -or- You can’t make a silk thong out of a sow’s ear.
65 thoughts on “Forty-Seven Shades of Pink”
I haven’t read 50 Shades of Grey – is it about the wolf?
To be honest, i haven’t read it either. Between writing and reading all of these blogs,just didn’t have the time. I have heard several exerpts though. My favorite was read by Gilbert Godfried.
I don’t know nothin bout no wolf.
Does your wife know you’re writing about pig butts?
She’s just happy I’m leaving her alone. She’s a vegetarian anyway, so….
Oh then you’re golden.
right on, soul bruthah
It’s funny because I wasn’t quite sure how far you were going to go with this – it could’ve got really smutty. But alas, you are a man of class my friend. And I liked the transvestite twist. How was the bacon?
I was too nervous about insulting someone. Plus, they were pigs and dwarfs and a wolf – that inter-species stuff is pretty risque.
The bacon is on the menu for this weekend. Too much trouble to cook it during the week.
Hilarious. I haven’t read the books, but know enough to get this post. Very well written (and illustrated!)
Aww shucks! Glad you liked it. I was worried that it wasn’t going to live up to the title. My blogs tend to have good titles and weak bodies or visa versa.
I have to say that not only were your words FABFAB, but your drawing sure churned my chitlins! The dwarfs had me concerned, though. I was waiting for Drippy to show up and make his move, but you pulled through that passage without twisting my trotters with gratuitous body fluids or phlegm infused details.
You know Mr. 1Point, I like your profile photo and the top of your head is very appealing as heads go, but perhaps for the fall and winter you could kick this page up a bit by looking for that old hat of yours, the one with the alluring furry flaps that you wore so often 40 years ago and posting a new pic. Just a suggestion…
Suggestion duly noted. Sadly that hat was destroyed by a black lab puppy about 35 years ago. My ears have been cold ever since.
Well, this was downright disturbing. I think I need a shower. At least there is no need for me to read “Fifty Shades of Grey.” There is no way it could top this. The transvestite thing was a nice twist. I’m sure Hollywood will be calling, though likely not Disney… 😉
If Hollywood calls, I’ll pretend I’m not home, I’m holding out for Oscar Meyer.
sorry…where are my manners?! Nice hat!
Thanks. I went from boring to dorky.
I am fifty shades of pissed off because your posts stopped showing up in my reader – going to unfollow then subscribe again. I kept waiting for your post with an illustration as you had mentioned…
Love this. Love it.
YOU’RE PISSED OFF?! What about me?! I keep getting hits on my posts and new followers, and yet my number of followers never seems to go up any higher. Small wonder!
I think we need to send Jules Winnfield over there to have a talk with the IT geeks at WP.
On the plus side, following me once shows a temporary lapse in judgement and/or taste, but twice means sooo much more. Welcome back!
Yeah, well I almost married my first husband twice, God rest his soul…It’s good to be back.
Very creative and funny~Can I repost to my wall so that my friends can read this?
I don’t know what all the hype about the books is about. I read all 3 only because
I wanted to know how it ended….by the second book it became extremely repetitive…and absurd…I hope to never hear or read these words again…inner goddess, biting of the lower lip, rolling of the eyes….
absolutely share it with all your FB friends, and anyone else who might wanna see it.
Ya know, after commenting to your most recent bloggery, I was compelled to drive by this entry once more. And while doing so, it occurred to me that you had not once mentioned SPAM, the other shade of pink.
scrapple didn’t make the cut either (too philly). Spam didn’t get in there for fear of reprisals from angry Monty Python fanatics.
Scrapple couldn’t be in there since its a yucky grey color.
true enough, but it has all the X-rated parts of the pig in it.
Oh my! This post has my panties in a bunch. I can’t decide whether to turn you in to the ASPCA or drop some weenies into the frying pan. Such a dilemma.
why not make some delicious pork products for those hard working folks over a the ASPCA? or is it SPCA?
Glad to have provided you with amusement and/or titillation!
Probably SPCA. I think at one time it was the American SPCA. But, then again, I’m really old.
I’m old as well. I always called it ASPCA, but I’ve been corrected too many times.
Oh. Well. Consider me corrected. I’m off to burn some bacon.
you go girl. Just remember, Emmeril says “Pork fat rules”
Ha! I knew it! Beulah and I were meant to be together! I must have a copy of that drawing. It’s amazing. I can help her through these hard times. I know all about wolves like B.B.
This is fabulous on so many levels. My mom just left me with all three Shades of Grey books on Father’s Day. I was going to “review” them on my blog after I read them – but, why bother when I can just send people to this post instead?!
I’ve heard mixed reviews of Shades of Gray. The best thing I heard was when Gilbert Godfried read uncensored passages on XM. Tough to describe how funny that was.
I’m glad you’re liking my stuff. It’s a serious kick to have someone who writes well compliment me, so thanks again.
I’m not sure if I like my Beulah drawing best or the Easter Bunny. Didn’t have quite the audience back when I posted that one, but I like the Hawiian shirt and cigarettes in a bar motif.
Oh man. Just the thought of Gilbert Godfried reading a racy romance novel has me in stitches!
The Easter Bunny is great, too, but I feel like, even as a borderline alcoholic, I relate to the jilted pig more. Oh. I love her. (Then, too, there’s the bacon association, LOL) Actually, if I framed a copy of that one for my bestie and sent her the link to your post, she’d go nuts. And her birthday is next month! Hmm. Let’s talk, 1 Point. Name your price. I trust you’ll be fair to a fellow Jerseyian.
Now you’ve gone and put me between a hock and a lard face. I publicly offered the pics to try to coerce my followers to boost my numbers so that I could have a contest. What if everyone else wants the pig? It was a more popular post….hmmm…dilemmas dilemmas….
I take it back! I am utterly devoted to your blog contest! Everyone will want her. IT’S THE PERFECT CONTEST.
Don’t worry your pretty little head. If things go like they usually seem to for me on this site, there will only be two or three entries – your odds are good.
“..between a hock and a lard face…” sometimes I amuse myself.
Don’t laugh it off! Laughing it off is certainly easier than getting into some big weight loss competition for months and months.
After my recent incident with a frozen swine product, I was reluctant to read 47 Shades of Pink…for so many reasons, but I’m glad I did! Hilarious! Did you do the illustration? If so, please tell me that is what you do for a living. You are very gifted indeed!
Glad you enjoyed 47 shades. It was fun.
Sadly, there’s very few money making opportunities in drawing pigs (or rabbits). Luckily, I’m able to make my living as a physical therapist.
If you go back onto my blog page, you’ll see a page listed on the side for copyrights and contests etc, I have all my illustrations to date along with a contest idea. Personally, I like my Easter Bunny portrait slightly better than Beulah. Keep posted, you could be a winner (when and if I get the contest together).
This is HILARIOUS!!!! And you drew the illustration??? Wow! Fantastic. I hope you get some views from my blog party!
I wish I would’ve posted it much, much sooner, but it was one of those days.
I’m glad you liked it. I have all of my illustrations on my second page under tour dates, contests, etc. The Easter Bunny in repose is still my favorite, but the pig in a dress is a close second.
They are fantastic! Do you illustrate children’s books?
not yet…I have one I’ve half written, but it’s n there like my adult novel, etc…this damn day job gets in the way of my productivity!
You should finish it! Your illustrations rock!
It’s on my list…my life is likely to change a little professionally in the next few years, as my youngest will be finishing college, and my wallet will be significantly fatter then. My time should be slightly more plentiful as well.
On the subject of champagne, try Gruet from New Mexico – highly rated by Wine Enthusiast Magazine….your party
I will! Thanks!
I see the parody is indeed not dead. Thank God!
Glad you enjoyed it . I’m also doing the 7 Deadly Sins challenge, if you’re interested.
Susie sent me here, and I’m glad she did! The only way this could be funnier is if you could get Gilbert Gottfried to read it (uncensored) on XM. Love the porcine illustration. Excuse me while I pork – er – poke around your site a little more.
Thank you, (and thanks to Susie). As I mentioned to a few others, I’m also participating in the 7 Deadly Sins Challenge. The first one is gluttony, then envy, and then sloth. Lust will be posted in the next week or so, probably. I think you can find them in there if you look around, or I can find you the links.
The Beulah picture is awesome! I had no idea pigs could be so kinky… (I may have scanned the picture for hidden objects too.)
That picture is the fan favorite, though I’m still partial to the Easter Bunny drawing – much looser drawing style on that one. You can see all of my drawings on the “contests, updates and tour dates” page of my blog.
drawn from my brain – couldn’t find a pig who’d wear a dress that ugly.
Pigs are fashionistas after all.
Lawdy mercy, this purely did scintillate my souse and gnarl my knuckles.
It has been known to have that effect.